Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hobbies - breaking the law

After a long winter of watching television and licking ourselves, we decided to follow our dad to Moab for some biking. Promise of a bike ride on our local trail network makes us salivate with anticipation, but a trip to Moab makes us chase our tails at full speed.

Our trip began wonderfully with a shakeout ride on Amasa Back and down the Rock Stacker trail. Then, after our afternoon ride on Baby Steps, we decided to attempt the 'trail that must not be named.' That's right, an illegal trail! Fortunately, the Bureau of Land Management is taking care of our public lands by prohibiting bikers (and their dogs) from riding on sandstone. We assume their scientist found that skinny rubber tires cause way more damage than the sheep grazing they subsidize on our public lands. Come to think of it, we would love to chase some of those sheep down....

In fact, the sheep had us so worked up that we ignored each of the 20 area closed signs as we dashed onto the un-mentionable trail. The trail led us along the edge of a huge cliff and treated us to some fantastic technical and exposed riding. In fact, the views, flow, and fun of the trail may give it the title of the best trail in Moab. We wish we could share the name of this trail (or offer a picture), but - despite the likeness of many politicians to dogs - the Federal Government does not treat law breaking canines very kindly. But hey - we pay taxes! We pay for public schools even though they will not accept puppies. It's time to fight back. We urge dogs and humans to unite, find this trail, and ride it over and over again - it will make even the most invisible human tails wag with delight. And - if you happen to run into us at the dog park - we may give you directions to the trailhead...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Apps: Hipstamatic

We love our parents' iPhones! We are constantly on the watch for the newest and greatest apps to play with. Our new favorite, is the Hipstamatic app, and we've been playing with it as much as possible! We even told our mother about it, and she used it on her trip to Boston more than other standard cameras available.

Their tagline is, 'Digital Photography Never Looked so Analog.' The app uses the iPhone's 2mp camera and applies film, flash, and lens macros to take really awesome pictures on the go.

The app is $1.99, but it's totally worth it! There are other films and lenses available for purchase, but we've been very satisfied with the standard equipment and haven't felt the need to augment them.

We are in love with this app, and we think that you will fall in love with it as well! Now we will have a camera handy to take pictures of the cats and quail that sit in our yard to taunt and annoy us!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Book: Wicked Plants by Amy Stewart

We are getting excited for Spring to come, and are honing in our outdoor skills. Though dogs are born with certain innate senses, it helps for us to refresh our botany, orienteering, and sniffing skills so that when Spring comes, we can never get lost on accident. Last fall, Sammi got 'lost,' and conveniently ended up with a bunch of pot-smoking hippies who fed her some funny brownies. We're sure you can understand the benefits.

So we picked up the book, 'Wicked Plants: The Weed that Killed Lincoln's Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities.' First of all, that's an excellent title, one that we can really sink our teeth into. Secondly, this book is thrilling!

The book divides the plants up into varying sections depending on their attack mode (i.e. poisonous, carnivorous, flammable, projectiles) and then details the plant species' specific 'atrocities.' When possible, the author includes an anecdote about famous run-ins with the plant.

Now, when we head out into the wilderness, we will know which plants will hurt our tummies when eaten, which plants will stick to our fur, and which seeds and berries we can carefully transport home to leave for the unsuspecting quail that plague our front yard.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Fending for Ourselves - Doga

Our mom has been out of town for most of the week, so we are forced to take care of our dad who is helpless like a kitten on a roof without our constant domestic help. In order to deal with the stress of taking care of an adult human, we have begun doga - the dog form of yoga. We have been skeptical of yoga for a long time - we don't need to limber up before taking down an evil bird - but a recent article in the New York Times convinced us to try.

Aside from the spiritual aspects - 'namaste' is a really hard word to bark - we love yoga. And how can you fault an exercise with a pose call downward facing dog? We were honored by this homage.

We recommend yoga for all of our human readers who enjoy any combination of strength training, stretching, relaxation, or hot bitches in tight clothes! And please - take your dogs.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Lookalike - Jesse Jackson

For all of you readers who were concerned about our newfound love for cats last week - April Fools! We couldn't help but get caught up in the spirit of such a wonderful holiday. Rest assured, though, we terrorized the neighborhood cats all day on April 2nd to make up for it.

We heard (through the great barking chain of course) that our friend Echo - a beautiful, black standard poodle - is upset about never being featured on the blog. In fact, there was some speculation on Echo's part about being excluded due to her color. Being a minority herself, Maggie is very familiar with discrimination and reached out to her close, personal friend Jesse Jackson to understand how to best deal with these allegations. Then it hit us! Echo and Jesse Jackson could be twins!

We often stay at Echo's house while our parents are out having fun without us (we know they are having fun because they often come home smelling like food - why don't they take us?!). During these forced displacements we find the atmosphere oppressive. While we know how to bully Echo's mom into opening the treat cupboard on demand, Echo's other mom practices a particularly effective form of Cesar Milan's doggie mind control. We found this environment oppressive until Echo showed us the path to freedom - the doggie door!

Like Echo, Jesse Jackson has been trying to lead oppressed minorities to a better place. At least if you don't count American Jews or black-turned-President Obama as minorities. During his 1984 Presidential campaign Jackson remarked "four out of five [of Nixon's top advisors] are German Jews and their priorities are on Europe and Asia"; that he was "sick and tired of hearing about the Holocaust"; and that there are "very few Jewish reporters that have the capacity to be objective about Arab affairs." Oops - we wonder why his campaign floundered. Jackson also criticized then-Senator Barack Obama for "acting White" and later, in 2008, was caught on tape saying "see, Barack's been, ahh, talking down to black people on this faith-based... I want to cut his nuts out." We dogs know something about having nuts cut out; this is not an appropriate punishment for holding unpopular political views. While, on the other hand, we completely understand hatred for one particular race - cats. Like Jackson, Echo has been known to help dogs find freedom while harboring secret dreams of cornering a cat and shaking it by the neck like a brand new squeak toy.

Speaking of the Poodle, the AKC says it is an "intelligent and elegant-appearing dog, squarely built, well proportioned, moving soundly and carrying himself proudly. Properly clipped in the traditional fashion and carefully groomed, the Poodle has about him an air of distinction and dignity peculiar to himself." Due to the particular physiology shared by Jackson and the standard poodle, Jackson has been able to hold his head proudly despite numerous affairs and a very public love-child (something we, as bitches, would never feel ashamed of!). From the AKC, the Poodle's (and Jackson's) "neck [is] well proportioned, strong and long enough to permit the head to be carried high and with dignity. Skin snug at throat. The neck rises from strong, smoothly muscled shoulders." A well clipped Jackson certainly fits the profile of a standard Poodle.

We urge Echo to continue her errand of showing bitches everywhere the doggie door of emancipation while holding her head up high. As Jackson has demonstrated so capably, her Poodle physiology means she can continue to hold her own prejudiced beliefs and philander, while remaining a respected leader in the fight against dog whispering! We urge all of our readers to reach out and pet the first poodle you see as a sign of respect, even if it is Jesse Jackson!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Felinity Divinity

We ofttimes put on a canine face and feign disgust, but tonight we have to make a confession. We have hid the truth for so long, hid behind years of prejudice, but we are ready to come into the light. We love cats!

Cats are extremely beautiful and noble creatures. Their delicate lines and long tails remind us of the beautiful ballerinas we saw at Swan Lake. We long to be like them. Sammi spends hours licking her boobies not unlike a cat licking itself. Even the way they cough up furballs is admirable, what's the point in trying to digest your own hairs?

Cats and dogs have spent millennia pretending to hate each other. Their false enmity has kept humans at bay, while felines and canines have teamed up and are planning on taking the world by storm.

We feel that it's okay to finally exposed the plan because it's too late to stop us. Together dogs and cats will overcome the world!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Music - Them Crooked Vultures

We know we are cultured bitches. Do you know any other dogs who have been to Swan Lake and didn't actually bring down one of the swan-like ballerinas? While our true nature is subdued and timid, we are occasionally whipped into a frenzy by the daytime tv judges** whose shows we so enjoy.*

*This is why some of our readers, those of you who have seen us in our natural habitat, have been surprised by our explosive energy after a long day in the basement.

**There has also been some controversy recently as to Maggie's pedigree. We are suspicious that Judge Joe Brown may be her father. See the photo below for evidence:

When we give in to our rambunctious nature, we crave rock and roll music - the kind that our dad likes to listen to in the car. Unfortunately, most of today's rock music is more suited for felines than discriminating canines (have you ever had to endure Fallout Boy?!). It was with great relish that we stumbled on the debut album of Them Crooked Vultures.

The Vultures include John Paul Jones (a la Led Zeppelin), Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters), and Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age). So, not only does this group rock, these bitches have a pedigree backed up with some seriously credible papers.

These rockers bring the best from their respective projects into one bitchin' group. We call Them Crooked Vultures AKC approved! (Awesome Kanine Club)

Friday, March 26, 2010

Music - She & Him

We first heard Zooey Deschanel singing in the movie Elf where she plays the ingenue aside Will Ferrell. So when 'Volume One,' an album created by Zooey and M. Ward, came out in 2008 we picked it up immediately. We were not disappointed by the duo who coined themselves She & Him and were excited to see 'Volume Two' come out.

The music of She & Him in one word, is honest. With modern music, it's standard to hide the singer's voice with synthesizers and heavy strumming of simplistic major chords. We bitches are not fooled by these obfuscations. So when we hear an album that is clean-sounding with chords and lyrics that ring true, we are pleased with the results.

Now don't get us wrong. This is not an incredible album that you'll be tapping your paws to for years to come. But it's a great collection of music, with Volume Two taking a more mature and focused tone than Volume One. We'll enjoy listening to it, especially while we're busy doing something else like plotting to take over the world or licking our boobies. And for another thing, why aren't there more dog parks included in Obama's new Healthcare plan???

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


We watch a lot of daytime television, and so are exposed to breakthrough new products all the time. We are experts on the ShamWow, and our father recently had to close out our QVC charge account. However, no television product is as revolutionary and as useful as the Snuggie!

The Snuggie is the most popular of the 'Sleeved Blanket' line of products. (First marketed as the Freedom Blanket!) A miraculous invention, the Snuggie allows the wearer to live their normal lives while remaining warm from a blanket. The only thing keeping millions of
Americans from living their lives to their fullest was hands trapped under blankets. Look no more, America, Snuggie is here!

Our father loves his Snuggie, and often goes about with it belted around his waist as if he's a holy pink-fleeced monk. So imagine our pleasure and surprise when we were given the ultimate gift, the Dog Snuggie! The Dog Snuggie takes all the features that humans love, and adds a few that dogs love too! The velcro attachments make it usable by our tall and fluffy Aunt Izzy (Golden Doodle) and our short and pudgy Aunt Annie (Springer Spaniel)! Also, the pink color accentuates our femininity.

So until the snow melts from the mountaintops and our basement dwelling warms up, just know that as we read, watch tv, and blog; we'll be warm and cozy thanks to the Dog Snuggie.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Book: The Mystery of Capital

After spending a few days watching Judge Judy while our parents were at work, we decided to sink our teeth into something with more substance. No, we're not talking about birds. Our parents - while they claim to care for us - will not allow prey in the house. We wanted topical substance, so we turned to development economics.

We have long been following the plight of the intelligent, yet unfortunate, Moscow street dogs (and here) but have never understood why simple things like bitch friendly bluetooth keyboards are beyond their reach. Hernando de Soto provides an interesting answer in his book The Mystery of Capital.

De Soto posits that, while capitalism has spread like wildfire during the past twenty years, systems for tracking, transferring, and legitimizing capital have not developed. This means that capitalism only operates for a small section of the world's population - those who already had capital. Most of the world's wealth, in fact, is held in informal sectors and most of the world's businesses are informal. De Soto and his students attempt to open legally recognized businesses around the world and find that the process is so fraught with expense, uncertainty, and hassle that entrepreneurs are not able to bear the burden. So, the shop owner in the Haitian slum - to use one of the book's most timely examples - can never leverage their assets to provide capital for a business.

We like de Soto - his respect for the intelligence and spirit of the world's poor is infectious. Like westerners who ascribe third world poverty simply to 'cultural differences' - a euphemism for 'they are not as smart as us' - canine potential is also grossly misunderstood. You would be surprised how many other bitch bloggers are out there using a pseudonym to avoid uncomfortable comparisons of intelligence with their dull-witted human owners.

If you have always wondered why a Moscow street dog - who can learn to commute into town on the metro - cannot have access to simple blogging tools, or why a Filipino - who can rebuild after a slum fire destroys their home and business - can never break the cycle of poverty; you should read The Mystery of Capital. De Soto offers substantive policy prescriptions while avoiding the trap of calling for more foreign direct investment or blaming 'culture.' Mr. de Soto, we salute you (or at least we would if we had hands).

Friday, March 19, 2010

Activities - Jazz Game!

This week, we got off the couch and ran the two blocks to the Trax station. There we pretended to be humans and snuck on board. Humans are so self-centered they often don't see what's right in front of them! Either that or the humans that take Trax are routinely brown and grey colored, quite hairy, and with floppy ears. We arrived 45 minutes later at the Energy Solutions Arena where we watched the Utah Jazz destroy the Washington Wizards.

We watch many sports during the days, but they are usually lower key sports like golf or bowling or tv court; so it was nice to see some basketball, and in person. Or rather, in dog. We loved the game and enjoyed barking at the ridiculous Wizard players, but of course we found a few flaws in the system.

Most notably, why is the mascot of the Utah Jazz a bear? We think that a dog would make a highly superior mascot. Here are a few facts to back up our claim.
Fact: Humans hate bears. They are disturbing and routinely raid picnic baskets. Humans love dogs.
Fact: Bears are less intimidating that dogs.
Fact: Sammi looks much better in clothes than the Jazz Bear.
Fact: Dogs are much better basketball players than bears.

A Jazz dog would be much more awe-inspiring than a Jazz bear.

This is a picture we took of the game from our seats to prove how excellent our seats were. Seriously though, there were only ten rows behind us! If you are up on your dog psychology, you will remember that the most alpha dog sits with his head the highest. There were only a few drunk fatties and a group of teeny-boppers that were more dominant than us. Excellent!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Local politics - teenage terrors!

We - the world's pre-eminent bitch judges - typically howl in support of political dialogue. So, it was with great regret, that we read about a neighboring city whose Council didn't even need Super Dell Schanze to make decisions a bitch in heat would regret.

After a speech at the State Capital by former NYC Mayor Guliani, during the Q&A session, a member of the Orem Youth City Council had the audacity to ask a question! Even worse, the question came from a book! And the worst part? The book was Freakonomics - a title that may or may not cause teenagers to get freaky! We are growling just thinking that a modern teenager would read a thought provoking book instead of updating his Facebook status. More specifically, Stevie confronted Guliani with the author's contention that legalized abortion - not the Mayor's celebrated crime fighting policies - were behind NYC's renaissance. Orem City agrees with us. We all feel that Stevie should have been at home telling his Facebook friends about his latest Farmville achievement, not attending a political speech. In fact, Orem City felt so strongly that it immediately removed Stevie from the Youth City Council for asking his question.

The city attorney, Paul Johnson, used razor sharp legal reasoning to explain why Stevie was expelled from the Youth City Council in his letter of dismissal. Johnson states:

"before we left in the bus for the capital, I admonished everyone to stay together. I gave the warning particularly because I was worried based on past experience that you, Derek and Nick would go off on your own. And that is exactly what you did. Then during Dale Murphy's speech, you three continuously talked among yourselves in a manner that made it harder for everyone else to listen to him... Yours is not the attitude that we want on the Youth City Council. I'm sorry that this has happened and I hope that you can learn something from it."

We couldn't figure out if this was dialogue from a really boring episode of Gossip Girl - you know, the one where Blake Lively decides to get involved in student government - or if the text was actually written by someone older than 17. I hope that Mr. Johnson also told Stevie that he couldn't sit at his lunch table.... Second, don't they teach writing in law school? As lovers of good writing, we recommend Volokh's classic Academic Legal Writing to our attorney friend - he may find it helpful in convincing others that his diploma didn't come from a mail order catalogue or that he learned to speak and write while being raised by monkeys in the Amazon.

The real meat of the Orem Department of Legal Service's letter, though, was that Stevie "used [his] membership on the Youth City Council to advance [his] own agenda, and ended up embarrassing the City and government." What?! To think that a teenager, involved in politics, would ever think of his own agenda is disappointing. It's more likely that his heroes - amazing men and women like Barak Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and George W. Bush - have taught him selflessness through their examples. I bet that the Orem City Council never has an agenda either - I can't imagine where Stevie got the idea that it's ok to have an agenda as a politician. His parents must be truly awful humans and perhaps are using drugs as we click away at the keys with our long nails - it seems to be the only explanation for his behavior.

Even worse, how could you embarrass the "City and the government" Stevie? Didn't you know that governments have feelings too?

We recommend that all cities immediately ban reading and thoughtful deliberation by teenagers. We also recommend that any book on dog obedience, training, or whispering be burned. Only once our cities have protected us, can we all listen to our homegrown heroes - the politicians - regale us with unbiased, non-agenda stories that warm even the coldest hearts. And, in closing, we echo Mr. Johnson's sentiment. We hope you've learned something important Stevie!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Twitter Account

As dogs, we are big fans of short prose. A human would have to use the lengthy phrase, "Hey mailman, if you don't get the hell off of our porch and stop endangering our humans, we will rip the intestines from your body via your butt-hole." Whereas, a well-emphasized bark or two will convey the exact same message. We say, "Orrrunghhh," whereas our father would say, "I need to go outside and relieve the pressure on my bladder! I shouldn't have had that fourth non-alcoholic beer..."

So when we heard about the concept of Twitter, we were very excited. What a great way for us to communicate in short bursts, and another way for you, our loyal readers, to follow us on the internets! So we created a Twitter account this evening, our username is judgmentbitches and you can see our profile here.

Already, Twitter is teaching us about other injustices endured by dogs around the world. Twitter linked us to this blog post about a poor Weimaraner subjected to humiliating rabbit ears. Obviously dog ears are much better for hunting and killing, stupid humans!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Exercise -- running on the treadmill

While technically domesticated, every bitch has a wild streak. We love being outside - even just in the yard. Chasing cats, swimming after ducks, running wildly down a mountainside with a long stick in our mouth, or jumping on unsuspecting neighborhood children when they wander too close to our perimeter (must protect our weak human parents!) make us drool with anticipatory joy.

During the long, cold winter - though - we don't get to do anything fun. This is largely due to the fact that cats (yes, cats) designed the land use policy for our local national forest. So, while our parents go skiing, we sit in the basement and drag our butts across the floor waiting for them to return - even Oprah is beginning to feel stale. Although our writing is bold and powerful, we have - until today - been terrified of the human torture devices in the basement.

As the winter drags on our parent use their "treadmill", "trainer" (i.e. fancy bike stand/home decoration), and "weights" less frequently and with increasing despondence. After a pack of wild yet tiny dogs started terrorizing our nightly walk, we needed an outlet for our excess energy so we put on our running booties and limbered up.

**As a side note, we would love to neuter these tiny but ferocious stud dogs with our sharp angry teeth but our parents - with the help of the insipid Milan guidebook - will not allow us to protect them from these dangerous animals.
***As another side note, we have nothing against tiny dogs - one of our favorite bitch commenters happens to be a maltese - we just hate these tiny dogs. During our last walk, the black one tried to bite us both. If it wasn't for dog whispering we would have batted it around fiercely before administering some harsh canine justice.

It was with great trepidation that we used the treadmill, trainer, and weights.

Why do humans do this to themselves?! You get all the obnoxiousness of exercise (panting, soreness, exhaustion) without any of the fun - although we suspect that Nancy Pelosi's superhuman jumping strength was built using these kinds of machines. To all our human readers - go outside AND TAKE YOUR DOGS WITH YOU! Neither human nor bitch should suffer the torture of treadmills any longer. We look forward to blogging about this spring's adventures and hope every dog finds a carcass, large stick, or fetid body of water to wash away winter's gloom.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Book: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

We are avid learners, and Sammi recently received a B.S. (Bitch of Science) from the University of Canine Learners of America (UCLA). Maggie is working on her M.B.A. (Master Bitch of Ass-smelling), she's just completing her thesis about uppity humoid dogs who don't expose their nethers to strangers. She's using her Aunt Annie as a case study.

This is Chester, the first dog to earn an MBA!

We try to keep up with the latest in Dog Science and Canine Nature, and keep our skills sharp and relevant. Several of these periodicals pointed us to the book 'The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks' by Rebecca Skloot. We downloaded it on our mother's Kindle faster than you can say 'deoxyribonucleic acid!'

Any scientifically educated bitch is familiar with Hela cells, the first immortal cell line. In laboratory training, every student grows and kills millions of these cells in developing culturing skills. These cells are frequently used as precursors to animal and then human testing, and have been used in developing new vaccines, medications, cosmetics, cancer therapies, and more. Without Hela cells, modern science would be vastly different.

But what are Hela cells? This book takes one through the life of Henrietta Lacks, a black woman in the South in 1951 who is diagnosed with agressive cervical cancer. Tumor cells were harvested without her knowledge, and then cultivated to create Hela cells (from the first two letters of her names). The book explores race relations, the history of cell culturing, the life of a woman who's had an incredible impact on the world, and the bioethics surrounding tissue ownership.

The book did get repetitive, especially when Henrietta's descendants constantly complained about their lack of health insurance. We don't have health insurance, and we're doing just fine! Overall however, we thought it was a great read. Skloot (Ha! Humans have funny last names.) has done her research, and this book leaves you with something to think about as you chew on your phantom tail. Tail-docking is a terrible practice...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Politics - Governor David Paterson

While we typically follow political scandal like a cat with a ball of yarn, we do not understand the furor over ‘troopergate’. We knew we liked New York Governor David Paterson the first time we laid eyes on his rich luxurious coloring, small eyes, and large powerful jowls. He looks just like a Bloodhound!

Watching Best in Show always reminds us that the Bloodhound is an amazing animal. It has been European man’s domesticated partner since before the Crusades when the first specimens were brought from Constantinople. We also admire the North American Bloodhound’s tireless support for law enforcement.

Last month, Governor Paterson was charged with witness tampering in a domestic violence case against staffer David W. Johnson. Allegedly, Governor Paterson had the New York State Police persuade the woman to drop her case. We don’t understand the problem! Like the Bloodhound, Governor Paterson knows that loyalty is the most important of human virtues. We’ve been known to snarl at whoever needed to keep the bird homicide charges from sticking. Bitches [and bloodhounds] stick together!

The AKC describes the Bloodhound as a “unique looking dog in a baggy suit.” The beleaguered New York governor certainly fits the description. We also know that, while affectionate, Governor Paterson can be sensitive to correction by his master (in his case, public opinion). We guess that this sensitivity is why, despite heavy pressure, he has refused to step down from his post.

From his press conferences it’s easy to see that the AKC was exactly right when they described Governor Paterson:

The expression is noble and dignified, and characterized by solemnity, wisdom, and power. The head is furnished with an amount of loose skin, which in nearly every position appears superabundant, but more particularly so when the head is carried low; the skin then falls into loose, pendulous ridges and folds, especially over the forehead and sides of the face.

So, as influential politically savvy bitches, we urge the media to see Governor David Paterson for who he is - a loyal, wonderful man whose canine traits make him a supremely competent leader.

Friday, March 5, 2010


This is our 400th post, quite an achievement for two bitches with nothing but free time, quick wits, and an iMac. We started writing this blog back in November of 2007 to show the world that dogs are capable of critical analysis. We are smart, savvy bitches who are pleased to bring the world our critiques, our words, and our fragrant doggie gases. We hope to bring you many more meaningful posts in the future.

But for now, we thought we'd leave you with a photo essay to celebrate this achievement. We spend a lot of time working on this blog, but rarely are shown doing so. Enjoy! Also, we would like to thank our mother and her Nikon for capturing the essence of our blogging spirit.

Maggie is thoughtfully reading her Kindle. Maggie's book reviews are always apt and poignant.

Sammi is rocking out to her iPod. Her musical palate is vast, but she is very critical. No Britney Spears for Sammi, though Brit makes a great bitch!

Maggie is enraged by yet another left-leaning politico's take on the recession. When will they embrace her progressive libertarianism?

Somedays, there just is no inspiration. In times like this, we lay in the exact same way and sigh in exasperation.

Sammi is diligently typing another blogpost. Bluetooth keyboards are a dream for blogging bitches!

Thank you for your support. We love writing for you.

The Bitches of Judgment
(Maggie & Sammi)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Current Events - Canine Obesity

While some of our kind (Ol' Roy) have propagated the vile lie that small sawdust nuggets held together by rendered cattle can sate the voracious canine appetite, it's no wonder that we have been known to beg for human food. In fact, we are constantly starving and occasionally make drool bubbles as we wait for scraps of food to fall from our parents' table.

Its not just that dog food is bad, though, it's that human food is so incredible. A recent blog comment from a Maltese friend of ours brought to mind the day that - unbeknownst to our parents - we snuck into the Blue Plate Diner and took just a bit of delicious restaurant food from a table before the proprietor herded us out the front door. It is one of our fondest memories. With all the delicious human food on offer, it's no wonder that an epidemic of canine obesity is ravaging America.

America's epidemic - canine obesity

An obese dog is not a happy dog. Without chasing cats, jumping on dangerous neighborhood children, and mountain biking with dad, life is not vibrant and wonderful. We demand the government do something about canine obesity! How can our elected officials sleep at night when obese dogs are everywhere?! We demand the dealers of delicious, fat laden human food be brought to justice! Luckily, our lovely first lady - with the help of the first dog Bo - has decided to solve this problem (in addition to solving the much smaller problem of human childhood obesity). Her passion for eliminating pesky fat deposits also received mention in the President's latest State of the Union Address.

As reported by ABC news, Mrs. Obama's new $10 billion dollar budget will fund a "myriad of initiatives that target four key pillars: Getting parents more informed about nutrition and exercise, improving the quality of food in schools, making healthy foods more affordable and accessible for families, and focusing more on physical education." The good news is that the effort is well focused.... Among other items, we would like to point out:

1. Parents currently cannot keep their children from spending all day in front of the television. Obviously more information will magically increase household discipline.
2. It must be poor quality food that makes dogs and kids fat, not the enormous quantity of food they choose to consume. Short of rationing by amount - a concept that makes us snarl dangerously - no food quality initiative will help.
3. If the Obamas are not actually able to magically change prices heretofore determined by complex market relationships, maybe Michelle can flood the market with cheap produce from the White House garden. That will make healthy food more affordable!
4. Kids hate physical education. More time with an adult creepy enough to want to spend their life looking at school age children in hot pants will not foster a lifelong commitment to exercise.

While we wag our tails at the effort, we miss the days when government intervention was simple and effective. Take for example the government's experiment with poisoning alcohol during Prohibition. Very effective. If Michelle Obama wants to eradicate obesity, she - and her fellow do gooders - will have to drastically reduce the personal freedom we have to stuff our faces the way we want.

As highly intelligent bitches, we recommend Mrs. Obama outlaw all food more delicious than Ol' Roy. This can be done simply by banning the production and distribution of harmful substances like butter, cream, chocolate - already terribly dangerous to dogs, and sugars. Our stomachs will shrink as the nation revels in its newfound culinary blandness. We look forward to the day when Michelle Obama's dream comes true. More specifically, when both children and dogs are full of so much natural healthy energy that they will be staked to leashed in their yards side by side.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The curative properties of dog saliva

While we love you - our doggishly loyal readers - we have spent much of the weekend watching over our parents. The human constitution is inherently much weaker than the canine's so we often find ourselves taking care of the humans in our lives. That being said, we are busy licking our parents back to full health and will not have our regularly scheduled Monday post.

Stay tuned!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Book: The Help by Kathryn Stockett

We are very sensitive to issues of race and inequality. As dogs, we face prejudice at every turn. We're sure you've seen the signs at stores and restaurants that say, "Only service animals allowed." We're continually being told that we're not as good as those well-behaved service animals who don't have the sense to disobey. Look at this foolish dog, obeying humans mindlessly.

So the message found in 'The Help' rang particularly true to us, we bitches have been put down by humans, service animals, even cats at times. The 'help' in Stockett's book refers to the black maids that take care of white families. The help knows intimate details about their lives, raise their children, and are in on their darkest secrets; and yet the white families still treat them as inferiors.

This is one of the best books we've read in a long time, a historical fiction set in Mississippi during the days of Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks. It explores the racial tensions, class tensions, and bonds that grow between people despite impossible circumstances - we never cease to be impressed by humans dogged pursuit of meaningful interpersonal relationships no matter their circumstances. This was an excellent read.

So, the next time you are impressed with a service animal, just remember the privileges that we, loving family members and beloved blogdogs, are forbidden, just because we don't wear the right kind of vest. Sit at the front of the bus? Hell, we aren't even allowed on that bus. Where is our Rosa Barks???

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Events: Swan Lake

We are cultured and high breed dogs, and so took to the town this weekend to see a ballet performance. We understand the rhythmic and symbolism that ballet encompasses, it is not unlike the battles for dominance we play out every night. We bite each other's necks, hump each other a little, and the ballerinas walk on their tiptoes and pirouette.

Ballet West put on a production of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake, and we had orchestra level seats! There was some disruption getting in, the bitch ushers (Not literally, they were not dogs.) claimed that we were distracting and that dogs were banned. Luckily, our friend William Wegman was around to help us out with great disguises, not unlike these:

We finally were seated and ready to be stunned by Ballet West, and boy were we. The moves on those ballerinas and ballerinos (A real word?) was stunning! The ballet was tremendously choreographed, the hours flew by, and the orchestra performed beautifully. The artists were so into their work, that a dancer bled at one point.

Traditionally, we like hunting swans and eating the delicious flesh underneath their beautiful feathers, but we were happy to drool from a distance watching the dancers twirl around the stage alongside Tchaikovsky's immortal score. We had a great time!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Current Events - Toyota Recall

We were horrified to hear the highly accurate, proportionate, and unbiased news coverage surrounding the recent discovery that almost every vehicle produced by Toyota is a death trap. The Japanese (boo hiss!) have been trying to destroy America for years (see also this very recent image of an Anti American rally in Japan).

Being highly logical animals, we understand that when something seems too good to be true, it typically is. And our Toyota-made traveling kennel is far too comfortable to be anything other than a carefully designed and planted Japanese time bomb. Just think, a topper in the winter, large windows for sticking your head out, and our old beds in the back; in the summer the wind rushes through your ears - how could we resist its allure?!

Traveling Kennel in Millcreek Canyon

You can imagine our surprise, then, when an insidious Shiba Inu suggested an alternative explanation. That bitch insinuated our impartial public servants - the ones who currently manage the Federal Government's 61% stake in General Motors and stake in Chrysler - may not have intended to follow through on their promise to avoid meddling in the auto industry. She claims that the Obama Administration - feeling the pressure of public opinion against their auto bailouts - is attempting to hurt Toyota in an effort to boost the value of their investments in GM and Chrysler.

Come to think of it, it is suspicious that Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood told Toyota owners to "stop driving it. Take it to a Toyota dealer because they believe they have a fix for it." Especially considering that he later recanted once the statement made headlines in every major news outlet in the country. In fact, while the DOT told owners that their Toyota vehicles were safe to drive, they prevented Toyota from selling any of the models due to "safety concerns." If they were more concerned about safety than publicity, shouldn't they have prevented already sold models from leaving home as well?

The press has not abated, either. Yesterday's biggest news story was the publication of an internal Toyota memo touting cost savings from negotiating a smaller-than-expected recall in 2007. While the memo was given to the government in 2009, it's interesting that it was not released until right before Toyota's CEO is to scheduled to be flogged by Congress.

Hmmm... perhaps the savage Japanese Shiba could be right. While we'd love to sink our teeth into Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda's soft fleshy belly, it seems obvious that the current administration's response to the questionable decisions made at Toyota was completely self serving. In fact, after reconsidering, it seems like the real situation can best be summed up in the following graph:

So please, humans, if you have a dog - whether bitch or stud - do not let the most recent recall dissuade you from outfitting them with a brand new traveling kennel. Because the only thing worse than questionable corporate judgment is a powerful and bitchy government official!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Vancouver 2010

We think of ourselves as very well-rounded and accepting bitches. We sniff the butts of dogs from all walks of life (literally), all races, colors, breeds, and nationalities. But once every two years we pull out our American flag collars and take the supercilious persona adopted by all Americans. It's Olympic time!

August 2008 we were head-over-paws for the summer Olympics in Beijing. (Read our scathing post on Michael Phelps!) We watched as the Chinese showed the world that children should be seen or heard, but never simultaneously. We saw Phelps swim nearly as well as Maggie in a duck pond. And we saw the Chinese shame our patriotic tails over and over again.

So naturally, we were excited for the Olympic opportunity to come around again. We watched with bated breath for the opening ceremonies. Who could forget the Beijing opening ceremonies? The boxes are people, THE BOXES ARE PEOPLE! The 2010 opening ceremonies were about as exciting as catnip, which is to say they were disappointing and targeted towards idiots. The following picture is misleading in that it appears to convey an exciting event.

Luckily, the USA is winning in the medal count so far with some very exciting events behind us. Surprisingly, Bode Miller didn't totally choke and actually medaled this time, we well remember his debacles of years past. Apolo Ohno (Salt Lake resident, boo yeah!) made a repeat performance, silver medaling in the 1500m speed skating. Basically, America has been kicking the trash of communists, former Nazis, socialists, and losers from all over the world. We love the Olympics!
We are upset that there are no dog competitions, but we have a few ideas for submission to the Olympic committee.

For the Winter Olympics:
  • An Iditarod-esque dog sledding race
  • Ice fetch (fetching on ice, pretty much exactly what it sounds like)
  • Snow Eating
For the Summer Olympics:
  • Swimming
  • Digging
  • Tug-of-War aka 'Pulley' (Our Aunt Annie would win this one for sure!)
  • Butt-liking (Not really a seasonal sport.)
What do you think? Any dog sports out there you think deserve to be competed against any chien, perro, koira, Hund, or gau?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Book - Mao: The Unknown Story

We love politics! Human pack dynamics are so complicated except at pivotal moments when the opposition chooses to roll over en masse and expose its soft boobies to the pack leader (Democrats to George W. Bush in 2001 and Republicans to President Obama in 2008). While humans are asserting dominance on a small scale every day, it's not often we get to witness it on a grand scale. We are very glad, by the way, that our television news program didn't show Janet Napolitano exposing her boobies in submission to the President after failing to catch the underwear bomber.

Our Fearless Chief of Homeland Security

A Chow Chow we have been courting at the dog park told us a story of a Chinese pack leader who was able to exert dominance over hundreds of millions of people for decades. It was with great interest that we devoured Mao: The Unknown Story by Jung Chang and Jon Halliday.

This exhaustively researched book attacks many of the myths perpetuated by the Chinese Communist Party about its genesis, Mao, and its concern for the peasant. Throughout the text, Mao emerges as monster - concerned with absolutely nothing other than extending his personal sphere of power. He used terror liberally to beat an entire nation into submission. Mao then leveraged this submission to starve tens of millions of Chinese peasants and attempted to purchase international political influence with their food. In fact, the Chinese Communist Party only survived, and took power, because of Stalin's influence and Mao behaved as if he suffered from an inferiority complex the balance of his life. He wasted billions of dollars trying to drive a wedge between the USSR and its satellite states so he could assume power. We assume, had Mao grown up in Idaho, he would have driven a very large truck.

Mao's policies were often ineffective and laden with waste - like his helicopters that not even Pol Pot would accept because of their inability to fly. Mao was also very eccentric (i.e. crazy). He never once took a bath during his reign, preferring instead to be wiped down with towels by his servants, and once declared sparrows as one of the nations 'four pests' and ordered all sparrows destroyed. His anti-sparrow policy was so effective, that he later had to import sparrows from the USSR to reverse adverse ecological effects. We found ourselves drooling at the thought of a world without birds - it was the only Mao policy that we found ourselves in wholehearted agreeance with.

If you have the stomach for a long book that, at times, can be dry - we recommend Mao: The Unknown Story. We gained an appreciation for the incredible resilience of the Chinese people, a greater understanding of the history of a nation that has finally become - after abandoning 'Mao tse-tsung thought' - a superpower, and saw a glimpse into Asian history more broadly. this is the best book we have read in a long time.

We also hope this will help us lure a Chow Chow stud back home from the dog park - what a breed!

The Chow Chow -- fearless and cute

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Politics - President's Day

We apologize for not posting yesterday, we were caught up in the spirit of the holiday. We love the Monday holidays early in the year, especially President's day. We were overtaken with curiosity and Wikipedia-ed the day, which is the celebration of George Washington's birthday. We love George Washington, and find his resemblance to the basset hound uncanny.

The inestimable Mr. Washington.

Washington himself received several basset hounds from the Marquis de Layfette to use in his hunting expedition. We believe that he could not be upset to be compared to the basset hound, "In temperment it is mild, never sharp or timid. It is capable of great endurance in the field and is extreme in its devotion." President Washington was extremely devoted to freedom (though not extremely devoted to his homeland as he defected from Britain).

A basset hound, a regal beast.

"The skin over the whole of the head is loose, falling in distinct wrinkles over the brow when the head is lowered... The muzzle is deep, heavy, and free from snipiness." Washington was full of loose skin, thick jowls, and distinct wrinkles.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Book - The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

Our parents both got Kindles for Christmas, so we've been reading voraciously. Our mother has a leather cover for hers, and it tastes so much better than chewing on a boring paperback. One of the best books that we've read all year is, 'The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie' by Alan Bradley. We love all books that have human foods in the titles. Humans have the most delicious food, and they don't even appreciate it.

Flavia de Luce is a young girl living in a manor in the English countryside. Her passion is chemistry and pranks. She becomes involved in a murder, and uses her chemistry skills, along with quick thinking and street smarts to figure out whodunit.

This book was fun and interesting, which is more than we can say about the cats that live in our neighborhood.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Politics - Scott Brown

Unless, like a cat, you are not capable of processing current events, we're sure you've heard about the heated elections in Massachusetts. Of the candidates vying for the Senate seat vacated by the late Ted Kennedy, Scott Brown beat the Democratic candidate and surprised the nation by being the first Republican elected to the US Senate from Massachusetts since 1972. This is even before our father was born, if you can believe it!

This is Scott Brown.

We believe that Senator Brown's election marks a turning point. A point in the country's history where we will no longer judge a man for posing nude in Cosmo. (Warning, shocking link.) We don't understand humans and their obsession with covering up body parts that they have all seen anyways. It's very egotistical of them to assume that everyone is constantly wondering what they have under all those layers, though come to think of it, your crotch does smell extra interesting today...

Before Scott Brown can begin to disappoint his electorate with his new position however, we would like to take a moment to admire his visage, his long nose, and his uncanny resemblance to the Scottish Terrier.

Look at those strong forelegs!

The AKC says of the Scottish Terrier, "Naturally a 'digger' at heart, the Scottie was originally bred to hunt and kill vermin on farms." This is obviously true of Scott as well. Please consider, for a moment, this picture of his Democratic opponent, Martha Coakley.

She doesn't look all that smart to us.

They could be sisters!

Yup - digging out vermin is a perfect description. The similarities don't stop there. "The Scottish Terrier should have a thick body and heavy bone." Well, Senator Brown did not get to be Cosmopolitan's Sexiest Man by having a thin scrawny body, that's for sure. "He should exude ruggedness and power, living up to his nickname, the 'Diehard.'" Enough said. If you disagree, we recommend looking at his picture again. Being highly discerning bitches when it comes to aesthetics, we appreciate Senator Brown's natural thickness.

The Scottie Dog is known for its "heads up tails up" attitude, and so is Senator Brown. Though there were several setbacks during his campaign, including a series of attack ads claiming he wanted to deny care to rape victims, he rose above it all and continues to make unpopular choices by pledging to filibuster the new healthcare reform bill in the Senate. Filibuster on Senator Brown - we hope your filibuster becomes as famous as Strom Thurmond's signature move! It only needs to be 24 hours and 19 minutes in length, nonstop.

Senator Scott Brown with his thick bone structure, sex-appeal, and conservative politics beat out Martha Coakley for Massachusetts' Senate seat. This is not unlike the way the Scottish Terrier has killed and devoured rats and other rodents for centuries. Good call, America. We love democracy!