Felinity Divinity

We ofttimes put on a canine face and feign disgust, but tonight we have to make a confession. We have hid the truth for so long, hid behind years of prejudice, but we are ready to come into the light. We love cats!

Cats are extremely beautiful and noble creatures. Their delicate lines and long tails remind us of the beautiful ballerinas we saw at Swan Lake. We long to be like them. Sammi spends hours licking her boobies not unlike a cat licking itself. Even the way they cough up furballs is admirable, what's the point in trying to digest your own hairs?

Cats and dogs have spent millennia pretending to hate each other. Their false enmity has kept humans at bay, while felines and canines have teamed up and are planning on taking the world by storm.

We feel that it's okay to finally exposed the plan because it's too late to stop us. Together dogs and cats will overcome the world!

Politics - President's Day

We apologize for not posting yesterday, we were caught up in the spirit of the holiday. We love the Monday holidays early in the year, especially President's day. We were overtaken with curiosity and Wikipedia-ed the day, which is the celebration of George Washington's birthday. We love George Washington, and find his resemblance to the basset hound uncanny.

The inestimable Mr. Washington.

Washington himself received several basset hounds from the Marquis de Layfette to use in his hunting expedition. We believe that he could not be upset to be compared to the basset hound, "In temperment it is mild, never sharp or timid. It is capable of great endurance in the field and is extreme in its devotion." President Washington was extremely devoted to freedom (though not extremely devoted to his homeland as he defected from Britain).

A basset hound, a regal beast.

"The skin over the whole of the head is loose, falling in distinct wrinkles over the brow when the head is lowered... The muzzle is deep, heavy, and free from snipiness." Washington was full of loose skin, thick jowls, and distinct wrinkles.

New Year's Resolutions

We have to thank our mother's cousin Kirsten for letting us have these lovely reindeer antlers, rather than giving them to her little girl. We got a lot of use out of these!

In the classic tradition of canines and humans the world over, we decided to list our New Year's resolutions for 2010 on this blog. Some of them will be easier to keep than others, but we hope to foster a spirit of self-improvement, encouraging our parents and readers to change as well.

Sammi's Resolutions

1. Stop licking my armpits.

2. Finish my fight with the German Shepherd in the dog park over who is better, the Kaiser (Yes!) or the Fuhrer (No!). German breeds have a hard time getting along...

3. Stop licking my boobies. My parents have gone through tubes and tubes of booby salve (aka Neosporin) this year. Oh, but they taste so good!

4. Stop looking at kitty porn.

5. Write the next great American novel.

Maggie's Resolutions

1. Stay cancer free! No more microwaves, cell phones, or eating from uranium deposits.

2. Destroy Cesar Millan...

3. Stay away from all clothes, and my mother who wants to put me in said clothes.

4. Love my daddy, the ultimate alpha male.

5. Spend more time outside sniffing the flowers and finding the perfect spot to daintily dribble some urines.

New Year; New You

After running in circles for three hours today, we realized we haven’t posted for a very long time. Although catching your stub/tail is a lofty goal, we know our status as mildly celebrated bitch bloggers requires more dedication. We also know that “holiday” is just code for spending hours in the basement to lick, watch tv, read, scratch, and blog.

During the last few months a lot has happened in our world. Maggie had a cancer scare and numerous health problems due to a particularly awful 'bumor' (butt tumor). This has significantly changed our perspective on the current healthcare debate being held by those bitches in Washington, but more on that later.

Sammi has become even more neurotic, and has fallen in love with the dog fashion selections available at Old Navy.

But none of these events match up to the most heinous of acts committed by our parents this weekend, which more than anything else, drove us to blogg about the injustice of our lives.

They are attempting to control us using Cesar's patented Doggy Manipulation and Cruelty techniques. We are hard-headed bitches with minds of our own. We reserve the right to pull on our leashes, growl at the terrier down the street, and most of all, bark viciously at that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, our mail carrier. Luckily our parents left the computer on yesterday and we were able to do a little research on this Cesar character. Cesar is obviously evil - even at the normally tender age of 13, he publicly declared his intention to be the best dog trainer in the world. I'm drooling just thinking about biting his bitter, tender flesh. Also, Mr. Millan illegally crossed the US border in 1990.

Maggie, being a libertarian, has tended to agree with our current President - "America has nothing to fear from today's immigrants." And "America can only prosper when all Americans prosper--brown, black, white, Asian, and Native American." Well, Maggie, looks like Cesar's trying to keep you down -- and you're BROWN! We have everything to fear.

We will be posting our complete review on Cesar's book shortly - and will demonstrate that such powerful whispering techniques can work on humans too.

Have a fantastic New Year, and feel free to send any suggestions for media to review!

The Bitches

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!  We're taking the rest of the week off to enjoy our lovely family and beg turkey off everyone.  Just don't drink too much or else you'll end up looking like this...

Yeah, we know.  Terrifying.