Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Music - Them Crooked Vultures

We know we are cultured bitches. Do you know any other dogs who have been to Swan Lake and didn't actually bring down one of the swan-like ballerinas? While our true nature is subdued and timid, we are occasionally whipped into a frenzy by the daytime tv judges** whose shows we so enjoy.*

*This is why some of our readers, those of you who have seen us in our natural habitat, have been surprised by our explosive energy after a long day in the basement.

**There has also been some controversy recently as to Maggie's pedigree. We are suspicious that Judge Joe Brown may be her father. See the photo below for evidence:

When we give in to our rambunctious nature, we crave rock and roll music - the kind that our dad likes to listen to in the car. Unfortunately, most of today's rock music is more suited for felines than discriminating canines (have you ever had to endure Fallout Boy?!). It was with great relish that we stumbled on the debut album of Them Crooked Vultures.

The Vultures include John Paul Jones (a la Led Zeppelin), Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters), and Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age). So, not only does this group rock, these bitches have a pedigree backed up with some seriously credible papers.

These rockers bring the best from their respective projects into one bitchin' group. We call Them Crooked Vultures AKC approved! (Awesome Kanine Club)

Friday, March 26, 2010

Music - She & Him

We first heard Zooey Deschanel singing in the movie Elf where she plays the ingenue aside Will Ferrell. So when 'Volume One,' an album created by Zooey and M. Ward, came out in 2008 we picked it up immediately. We were not disappointed by the duo who coined themselves She & Him and were excited to see 'Volume Two' come out.

The music of She & Him in one word, is honest. With modern music, it's standard to hide the singer's voice with synthesizers and heavy strumming of simplistic major chords. We bitches are not fooled by these obfuscations. So when we hear an album that is clean-sounding with chords and lyrics that ring true, we are pleased with the results.

Now don't get us wrong. This is not an incredible album that you'll be tapping your paws to for years to come. But it's a great collection of music, with Volume Two taking a more mature and focused tone than Volume One. We'll enjoy listening to it, especially while we're busy doing something else like plotting to take over the world or licking our boobies. And for another thing, why aren't there more dog parks included in Obama's new Healthcare plan???

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


We watch a lot of daytime television, and so are exposed to breakthrough new products all the time. We are experts on the ShamWow, and our father recently had to close out our QVC charge account. However, no television product is as revolutionary and as useful as the Snuggie!

The Snuggie is the most popular of the 'Sleeved Blanket' line of products. (First marketed as the Freedom Blanket!) A miraculous invention, the Snuggie allows the wearer to live their normal lives while remaining warm from a blanket. The only thing keeping millions of
Americans from living their lives to their fullest was hands trapped under blankets. Look no more, America, Snuggie is here!

Our father loves his Snuggie, and often goes about with it belted around his waist as if he's a holy pink-fleeced monk. So imagine our pleasure and surprise when we were given the ultimate gift, the Dog Snuggie! The Dog Snuggie takes all the features that humans love, and adds a few that dogs love too! The velcro attachments make it usable by our tall and fluffy Aunt Izzy (Golden Doodle) and our short and pudgy Aunt Annie (Springer Spaniel)! Also, the pink color accentuates our femininity.

So until the snow melts from the mountaintops and our basement dwelling warms up, just know that as we read, watch tv, and blog; we'll be warm and cozy thanks to the Dog Snuggie.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Book: The Mystery of Capital

After spending a few days watching Judge Judy while our parents were at work, we decided to sink our teeth into something with more substance. No, we're not talking about birds. Our parents - while they claim to care for us - will not allow prey in the house. We wanted topical substance, so we turned to development economics.

We have long been following the plight of the intelligent, yet unfortunate, Moscow street dogs (and here) but have never understood why simple things like bitch friendly bluetooth keyboards are beyond their reach. Hernando de Soto provides an interesting answer in his book The Mystery of Capital.

De Soto posits that, while capitalism has spread like wildfire during the past twenty years, systems for tracking, transferring, and legitimizing capital have not developed. This means that capitalism only operates for a small section of the world's population - those who already had capital. Most of the world's wealth, in fact, is held in informal sectors and most of the world's businesses are informal. De Soto and his students attempt to open legally recognized businesses around the world and find that the process is so fraught with expense, uncertainty, and hassle that entrepreneurs are not able to bear the burden. So, the shop owner in the Haitian slum - to use one of the book's most timely examples - can never leverage their assets to provide capital for a business.

We like de Soto - his respect for the intelligence and spirit of the world's poor is infectious. Like westerners who ascribe third world poverty simply to 'cultural differences' - a euphemism for 'they are not as smart as us' - canine potential is also grossly misunderstood. You would be surprised how many other bitch bloggers are out there using a pseudonym to avoid uncomfortable comparisons of intelligence with their dull-witted human owners.

If you have always wondered why a Moscow street dog - who can learn to commute into town on the metro - cannot have access to simple blogging tools, or why a Filipino - who can rebuild after a slum fire destroys their home and business - can never break the cycle of poverty; you should read The Mystery of Capital. De Soto offers substantive policy prescriptions while avoiding the trap of calling for more foreign direct investment or blaming 'culture.' Mr. de Soto, we salute you (or at least we would if we had hands).

Friday, March 19, 2010

Activities - Jazz Game!

This week, we got off the couch and ran the two blocks to the Trax station. There we pretended to be humans and snuck on board. Humans are so self-centered they often don't see what's right in front of them! Either that or the humans that take Trax are routinely brown and grey colored, quite hairy, and with floppy ears. We arrived 45 minutes later at the Energy Solutions Arena where we watched the Utah Jazz destroy the Washington Wizards.

We watch many sports during the days, but they are usually lower key sports like golf or bowling or tv court; so it was nice to see some basketball, and in person. Or rather, in dog. We loved the game and enjoyed barking at the ridiculous Wizard players, but of course we found a few flaws in the system.

Most notably, why is the mascot of the Utah Jazz a bear? We think that a dog would make a highly superior mascot. Here are a few facts to back up our claim.
Fact: Humans hate bears. They are disturbing and routinely raid picnic baskets. Humans love dogs.
Fact: Bears are less intimidating that dogs.
Fact: Sammi looks much better in clothes than the Jazz Bear.
Fact: Dogs are much better basketball players than bears.

A Jazz dog would be much more awe-inspiring than a Jazz bear.

This is a picture we took of the game from our seats to prove how excellent our seats were. Seriously though, there were only ten rows behind us! If you are up on your dog psychology, you will remember that the most alpha dog sits with his head the highest. There were only a few drunk fatties and a group of teeny-boppers that were more dominant than us. Excellent!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Local politics - teenage terrors!

We - the world's pre-eminent bitch judges - typically howl in support of political dialogue. So, it was with great regret, that we read about a neighboring city whose Council didn't even need Super Dell Schanze to make decisions a bitch in heat would regret.

After a speech at the State Capital by former NYC Mayor Guliani, during the Q&A session, a member of the Orem Youth City Council had the audacity to ask a question! Even worse, the question came from a book! And the worst part? The book was Freakonomics - a title that may or may not cause teenagers to get freaky! We are growling just thinking that a modern teenager would read a thought provoking book instead of updating his Facebook status. More specifically, Stevie confronted Guliani with the author's contention that legalized abortion - not the Mayor's celebrated crime fighting policies - were behind NYC's renaissance. Orem City agrees with us. We all feel that Stevie should have been at home telling his Facebook friends about his latest Farmville achievement, not attending a political speech. In fact, Orem City felt so strongly that it immediately removed Stevie from the Youth City Council for asking his question.

The city attorney, Paul Johnson, used razor sharp legal reasoning to explain why Stevie was expelled from the Youth City Council in his letter of dismissal. Johnson states:

"before we left in the bus for the capital, I admonished everyone to stay together. I gave the warning particularly because I was worried based on past experience that you, Derek and Nick would go off on your own. And that is exactly what you did. Then during Dale Murphy's speech, you three continuously talked among yourselves in a manner that made it harder for everyone else to listen to him... Yours is not the attitude that we want on the Youth City Council. I'm sorry that this has happened and I hope that you can learn something from it."

We couldn't figure out if this was dialogue from a really boring episode of Gossip Girl - you know, the one where Blake Lively decides to get involved in student government - or if the text was actually written by someone older than 17. I hope that Mr. Johnson also told Stevie that he couldn't sit at his lunch table.... Second, don't they teach writing in law school? As lovers of good writing, we recommend Volokh's classic Academic Legal Writing to our attorney friend - he may find it helpful in convincing others that his diploma didn't come from a mail order catalogue or that he learned to speak and write while being raised by monkeys in the Amazon.

The real meat of the Orem Department of Legal Service's letter, though, was that Stevie "used [his] membership on the Youth City Council to advance [his] own agenda, and ended up embarrassing the City and government." What?! To think that a teenager, involved in politics, would ever think of his own agenda is disappointing. It's more likely that his heroes - amazing men and women like Barak Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and George W. Bush - have taught him selflessness through their examples. I bet that the Orem City Council never has an agenda either - I can't imagine where Stevie got the idea that it's ok to have an agenda as a politician. His parents must be truly awful humans and perhaps are using drugs as we click away at the keys with our long nails - it seems to be the only explanation for his behavior.

Even worse, how could you embarrass the "City and the government" Stevie? Didn't you know that governments have feelings too?

We recommend that all cities immediately ban reading and thoughtful deliberation by teenagers. We also recommend that any book on dog obedience, training, or whispering be burned. Only once our cities have protected us, can we all listen to our homegrown heroes - the politicians - regale us with unbiased, non-agenda stories that warm even the coldest hearts. And, in closing, we echo Mr. Johnson's sentiment. We hope you've learned something important Stevie!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Twitter Account

As dogs, we are big fans of short prose. A human would have to use the lengthy phrase, "Hey mailman, if you don't get the hell off of our porch and stop endangering our humans, we will rip the intestines from your body via your butt-hole." Whereas, a well-emphasized bark or two will convey the exact same message. We say, "Orrrunghhh," whereas our father would say, "I need to go outside and relieve the pressure on my bladder! I shouldn't have had that fourth non-alcoholic beer..."

So when we heard about the concept of Twitter, we were very excited. What a great way for us to communicate in short bursts, and another way for you, our loyal readers, to follow us on the internets! So we created a Twitter account this evening, our username is judgmentbitches and you can see our profile here.

Already, Twitter is teaching us about other injustices endured by dogs around the world. Twitter linked us to this blog post about a poor Weimaraner subjected to humiliating rabbit ears. Obviously dog ears are much better for hunting and killing, stupid humans!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Exercise -- running on the treadmill

While technically domesticated, every bitch has a wild streak. We love being outside - even just in the yard. Chasing cats, swimming after ducks, running wildly down a mountainside with a long stick in our mouth, or jumping on unsuspecting neighborhood children when they wander too close to our perimeter (must protect our weak human parents!) make us drool with anticipatory joy.

During the long, cold winter - though - we don't get to do anything fun. This is largely due to the fact that cats (yes, cats) designed the land use policy for our local national forest. So, while our parents go skiing, we sit in the basement and drag our butts across the floor waiting for them to return - even Oprah is beginning to feel stale. Although our writing is bold and powerful, we have - until today - been terrified of the human torture devices in the basement.

As the winter drags on our parent use their "treadmill", "trainer" (i.e. fancy bike stand/home decoration), and "weights" less frequently and with increasing despondence. After a pack of wild yet tiny dogs started terrorizing our nightly walk, we needed an outlet for our excess energy so we put on our running booties and limbered up.

**As a side note, we would love to neuter these tiny but ferocious stud dogs with our sharp angry teeth but our parents - with the help of the insipid Milan guidebook - will not allow us to protect them from these dangerous animals.
***As another side note, we have nothing against tiny dogs - one of our favorite bitch commenters happens to be a maltese - we just hate these tiny dogs. During our last walk, the black one tried to bite us both. If it wasn't for dog whispering we would have batted it around fiercely before administering some harsh canine justice.

It was with great trepidation that we used the treadmill, trainer, and weights.

Why do humans do this to themselves?! You get all the obnoxiousness of exercise (panting, soreness, exhaustion) without any of the fun - although we suspect that Nancy Pelosi's superhuman jumping strength was built using these kinds of machines. To all our human readers - go outside AND TAKE YOUR DOGS WITH YOU! Neither human nor bitch should suffer the torture of treadmills any longer. We look forward to blogging about this spring's adventures and hope every dog finds a carcass, large stick, or fetid body of water to wash away winter's gloom.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Book: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

We are avid learners, and Sammi recently received a B.S. (Bitch of Science) from the University of Canine Learners of America (UCLA). Maggie is working on her M.B.A. (Master Bitch of Ass-smelling), she's just completing her thesis about uppity humoid dogs who don't expose their nethers to strangers. She's using her Aunt Annie as a case study.

This is Chester, the first dog to earn an MBA!

We try to keep up with the latest in Dog Science and Canine Nature, and keep our skills sharp and relevant. Several of these periodicals pointed us to the book 'The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks' by Rebecca Skloot. We downloaded it on our mother's Kindle faster than you can say 'deoxyribonucleic acid!'

Any scientifically educated bitch is familiar with Hela cells, the first immortal cell line. In laboratory training, every student grows and kills millions of these cells in developing culturing skills. These cells are frequently used as precursors to animal and then human testing, and have been used in developing new vaccines, medications, cosmetics, cancer therapies, and more. Without Hela cells, modern science would be vastly different.

But what are Hela cells? This book takes one through the life of Henrietta Lacks, a black woman in the South in 1951 who is diagnosed with agressive cervical cancer. Tumor cells were harvested without her knowledge, and then cultivated to create Hela cells (from the first two letters of her names). The book explores race relations, the history of cell culturing, the life of a woman who's had an incredible impact on the world, and the bioethics surrounding tissue ownership.

The book did get repetitive, especially when Henrietta's descendants constantly complained about their lack of health insurance. We don't have health insurance, and we're doing just fine! Overall however, we thought it was a great read. Skloot (Ha! Humans have funny last names.) has done her research, and this book leaves you with something to think about as you chew on your phantom tail. Tail-docking is a terrible practice...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Politics - Governor David Paterson

While we typically follow political scandal like a cat with a ball of yarn, we do not understand the furor over ‘troopergate’. We knew we liked New York Governor David Paterson the first time we laid eyes on his rich luxurious coloring, small eyes, and large powerful jowls. He looks just like a Bloodhound!

Watching Best in Show always reminds us that the Bloodhound is an amazing animal. It has been European man’s domesticated partner since before the Crusades when the first specimens were brought from Constantinople. We also admire the North American Bloodhound’s tireless support for law enforcement.

Last month, Governor Paterson was charged with witness tampering in a domestic violence case against staffer David W. Johnson. Allegedly, Governor Paterson had the New York State Police persuade the woman to drop her case. We don’t understand the problem! Like the Bloodhound, Governor Paterson knows that loyalty is the most important of human virtues. We’ve been known to snarl at whoever needed to keep the bird homicide charges from sticking. Bitches [and bloodhounds] stick together!

The AKC describes the Bloodhound as a “unique looking dog in a baggy suit.” The beleaguered New York governor certainly fits the description. We also know that, while affectionate, Governor Paterson can be sensitive to correction by his master (in his case, public opinion). We guess that this sensitivity is why, despite heavy pressure, he has refused to step down from his post.

From his press conferences it’s easy to see that the AKC was exactly right when they described Governor Paterson:

The expression is noble and dignified, and characterized by solemnity, wisdom, and power. The head is furnished with an amount of loose skin, which in nearly every position appears superabundant, but more particularly so when the head is carried low; the skin then falls into loose, pendulous ridges and folds, especially over the forehead and sides of the face.

So, as influential politically savvy bitches, we urge the media to see Governor David Paterson for who he is - a loyal, wonderful man whose canine traits make him a supremely competent leader.

Friday, March 5, 2010


This is our 400th post, quite an achievement for two bitches with nothing but free time, quick wits, and an iMac. We started writing this blog back in November of 2007 to show the world that dogs are capable of critical analysis. We are smart, savvy bitches who are pleased to bring the world our critiques, our words, and our fragrant doggie gases. We hope to bring you many more meaningful posts in the future.

But for now, we thought we'd leave you with a photo essay to celebrate this achievement. We spend a lot of time working on this blog, but rarely are shown doing so. Enjoy! Also, we would like to thank our mother and her Nikon for capturing the essence of our blogging spirit.

Maggie is thoughtfully reading her Kindle. Maggie's book reviews are always apt and poignant.

Sammi is rocking out to her iPod. Her musical palate is vast, but she is very critical. No Britney Spears for Sammi, though Brit makes a great bitch!

Maggie is enraged by yet another left-leaning politico's take on the recession. When will they embrace her progressive libertarianism?

Somedays, there just is no inspiration. In times like this, we lay in the exact same way and sigh in exasperation.

Sammi is diligently typing another blogpost. Bluetooth keyboards are a dream for blogging bitches!

Thank you for your support. We love writing for you.

The Bitches of Judgment
(Maggie & Sammi)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Current Events - Canine Obesity

While some of our kind (Ol' Roy) have propagated the vile lie that small sawdust nuggets held together by rendered cattle can sate the voracious canine appetite, it's no wonder that we have been known to beg for human food. In fact, we are constantly starving and occasionally make drool bubbles as we wait for scraps of food to fall from our parents' table.

Its not just that dog food is bad, though, it's that human food is so incredible. A recent blog comment from a Maltese friend of ours brought to mind the day that - unbeknownst to our parents - we snuck into the Blue Plate Diner and took just a bit of delicious restaurant food from a table before the proprietor herded us out the front door. It is one of our fondest memories. With all the delicious human food on offer, it's no wonder that an epidemic of canine obesity is ravaging America.

America's epidemic - canine obesity

An obese dog is not a happy dog. Without chasing cats, jumping on dangerous neighborhood children, and mountain biking with dad, life is not vibrant and wonderful. We demand the government do something about canine obesity! How can our elected officials sleep at night when obese dogs are everywhere?! We demand the dealers of delicious, fat laden human food be brought to justice! Luckily, our lovely first lady - with the help of the first dog Bo - has decided to solve this problem (in addition to solving the much smaller problem of human childhood obesity). Her passion for eliminating pesky fat deposits also received mention in the President's latest State of the Union Address.

As reported by ABC news, Mrs. Obama's new $10 billion dollar budget will fund a "myriad of initiatives that target four key pillars: Getting parents more informed about nutrition and exercise, improving the quality of food in schools, making healthy foods more affordable and accessible for families, and focusing more on physical education." The good news is that the effort is well focused.... Among other items, we would like to point out:

1. Parents currently cannot keep their children from spending all day in front of the television. Obviously more information will magically increase household discipline.
2. It must be poor quality food that makes dogs and kids fat, not the enormous quantity of food they choose to consume. Short of rationing by amount - a concept that makes us snarl dangerously - no food quality initiative will help.
3. If the Obamas are not actually able to magically change prices heretofore determined by complex market relationships, maybe Michelle can flood the market with cheap produce from the White House garden. That will make healthy food more affordable!
4. Kids hate physical education. More time with an adult creepy enough to want to spend their life looking at school age children in hot pants will not foster a lifelong commitment to exercise.

While we wag our tails at the effort, we miss the days when government intervention was simple and effective. Take for example the government's experiment with poisoning alcohol during Prohibition. Very effective. If Michelle Obama wants to eradicate obesity, she - and her fellow do gooders - will have to drastically reduce the personal freedom we have to stuff our faces the way we want.

As highly intelligent bitches, we recommend Mrs. Obama outlaw all food more delicious than Ol' Roy. This can be done simply by banning the production and distribution of harmful substances like butter, cream, chocolate - already terribly dangerous to dogs, and sugars. Our stomachs will shrink as the nation revels in its newfound culinary blandness. We look forward to the day when Michelle Obama's dream comes true. More specifically, when both children and dogs are full of so much natural healthy energy that they will be staked to leashed in their yards side by side.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The curative properties of dog saliva

While we love you - our doggishly loyal readers - we have spent much of the weekend watching over our parents. The human constitution is inherently much weaker than the canine's so we often find ourselves taking care of the humans in our lives. That being said, we are busy licking our parents back to full health and will not have our regularly scheduled Monday post.

Stay tuned!