Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hobbies - breaking the law

After a long winter of watching television and licking ourselves, we decided to follow our dad to Moab for some biking. Promise of a bike ride on our local trail network makes us salivate with anticipation, but a trip to Moab makes us chase our tails at full speed.

Our trip began wonderfully with a shakeout ride on Amasa Back and down the Rock Stacker trail. Then, after our afternoon ride on Baby Steps, we decided to attempt the 'trail that must not be named.' That's right, an illegal trail! Fortunately, the Bureau of Land Management is taking care of our public lands by prohibiting bikers (and their dogs) from riding on sandstone. We assume their scientist found that skinny rubber tires cause way more damage than the sheep grazing they subsidize on our public lands. Come to think of it, we would love to chase some of those sheep down....

In fact, the sheep had us so worked up that we ignored each of the 20 area closed signs as we dashed onto the un-mentionable trail. The trail led us along the edge of a huge cliff and treated us to some fantastic technical and exposed riding. In fact, the views, flow, and fun of the trail may give it the title of the best trail in Moab. We wish we could share the name of this trail (or offer a picture), but - despite the likeness of many politicians to dogs - the Federal Government does not treat law breaking canines very kindly. But hey - we pay taxes! We pay for public schools even though they will not accept puppies. It's time to fight back. We urge dogs and humans to unite, find this trail, and ride it over and over again - it will make even the most invisible human tails wag with delight. And - if you happen to run into us at the dog park - we may give you directions to the trailhead...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Apps: Hipstamatic

We love our parents' iPhones! We are constantly on the watch for the newest and greatest apps to play with. Our new favorite, is the Hipstamatic app, and we've been playing with it as much as possible! We even told our mother about it, and she used it on her trip to Boston more than other standard cameras available.

Their tagline is, 'Digital Photography Never Looked so Analog.' The app uses the iPhone's 2mp camera and applies film, flash, and lens macros to take really awesome pictures on the go.

The app is $1.99, but it's totally worth it! There are other films and lenses available for purchase, but we've been very satisfied with the standard equipment and haven't felt the need to augment them.

We are in love with this app, and we think that you will fall in love with it as well! Now we will have a camera handy to take pictures of the cats and quail that sit in our yard to taunt and annoy us!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Book: Wicked Plants by Amy Stewart

We are getting excited for Spring to come, and are honing in our outdoor skills. Though dogs are born with certain innate senses, it helps for us to refresh our botany, orienteering, and sniffing skills so that when Spring comes, we can never get lost on accident. Last fall, Sammi got 'lost,' and conveniently ended up with a bunch of pot-smoking hippies who fed her some funny brownies. We're sure you can understand the benefits.

So we picked up the book, 'Wicked Plants: The Weed that Killed Lincoln's Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities.' First of all, that's an excellent title, one that we can really sink our teeth into. Secondly, this book is thrilling!

The book divides the plants up into varying sections depending on their attack mode (i.e. poisonous, carnivorous, flammable, projectiles) and then details the plant species' specific 'atrocities.' When possible, the author includes an anecdote about famous run-ins with the plant.

Now, when we head out into the wilderness, we will know which plants will hurt our tummies when eaten, which plants will stick to our fur, and which seeds and berries we can carefully transport home to leave for the unsuspecting quail that plague our front yard.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Fending for Ourselves - Doga

Our mom has been out of town for most of the week, so we are forced to take care of our dad who is helpless like a kitten on a roof without our constant domestic help. In order to deal with the stress of taking care of an adult human, we have begun doga - the dog form of yoga. We have been skeptical of yoga for a long time - we don't need to limber up before taking down an evil bird - but a recent article in the New York Times convinced us to try.

Aside from the spiritual aspects - 'namaste' is a really hard word to bark - we love yoga. And how can you fault an exercise with a pose call downward facing dog? We were honored by this homage.

We recommend yoga for all of our human readers who enjoy any combination of strength training, stretching, relaxation, or hot bitches in tight clothes! And please - take your dogs.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Lookalike - Jesse Jackson

For all of you readers who were concerned about our newfound love for cats last week - April Fools! We couldn't help but get caught up in the spirit of such a wonderful holiday. Rest assured, though, we terrorized the neighborhood cats all day on April 2nd to make up for it.

We heard (through the great barking chain of course) that our friend Echo - a beautiful, black standard poodle - is upset about never being featured on the blog. In fact, there was some speculation on Echo's part about being excluded due to her color. Being a minority herself, Maggie is very familiar with discrimination and reached out to her close, personal friend Jesse Jackson to understand how to best deal with these allegations. Then it hit us! Echo and Jesse Jackson could be twins!

We often stay at Echo's house while our parents are out having fun without us (we know they are having fun because they often come home smelling like food - why don't they take us?!). During these forced displacements we find the atmosphere oppressive. While we know how to bully Echo's mom into opening the treat cupboard on demand, Echo's other mom practices a particularly effective form of Cesar Milan's doggie mind control. We found this environment oppressive until Echo showed us the path to freedom - the doggie door!

Like Echo, Jesse Jackson has been trying to lead oppressed minorities to a better place. At least if you don't count American Jews or black-turned-President Obama as minorities. During his 1984 Presidential campaign Jackson remarked "four out of five [of Nixon's top advisors] are German Jews and their priorities are on Europe and Asia"; that he was "sick and tired of hearing about the Holocaust"; and that there are "very few Jewish reporters that have the capacity to be objective about Arab affairs." Oops - we wonder why his campaign floundered. Jackson also criticized then-Senator Barack Obama for "acting White" and later, in 2008, was caught on tape saying "see, Barack's been, ahh, talking down to black people on this faith-based... I want to cut his nuts out." We dogs know something about having nuts cut out; this is not an appropriate punishment for holding unpopular political views. While, on the other hand, we completely understand hatred for one particular race - cats. Like Jackson, Echo has been known to help dogs find freedom while harboring secret dreams of cornering a cat and shaking it by the neck like a brand new squeak toy.

Speaking of the Poodle, the AKC says it is an "intelligent and elegant-appearing dog, squarely built, well proportioned, moving soundly and carrying himself proudly. Properly clipped in the traditional fashion and carefully groomed, the Poodle has about him an air of distinction and dignity peculiar to himself." Due to the particular physiology shared by Jackson and the standard poodle, Jackson has been able to hold his head proudly despite numerous affairs and a very public love-child (something we, as bitches, would never feel ashamed of!). From the AKC, the Poodle's (and Jackson's) "neck [is] well proportioned, strong and long enough to permit the head to be carried high and with dignity. Skin snug at throat. The neck rises from strong, smoothly muscled shoulders." A well clipped Jackson certainly fits the profile of a standard Poodle.

We urge Echo to continue her errand of showing bitches everywhere the doggie door of emancipation while holding her head up high. As Jackson has demonstrated so capably, her Poodle physiology means she can continue to hold her own prejudiced beliefs and philander, while remaining a respected leader in the fight against dog whispering! We urge all of our readers to reach out and pet the first poodle you see as a sign of respect, even if it is Jesse Jackson!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Felinity Divinity

We ofttimes put on a canine face and feign disgust, but tonight we have to make a confession. We have hid the truth for so long, hid behind years of prejudice, but we are ready to come into the light. We love cats!

Cats are extremely beautiful and noble creatures. Their delicate lines and long tails remind us of the beautiful ballerinas we saw at Swan Lake. We long to be like them. Sammi spends hours licking her boobies not unlike a cat licking itself. Even the way they cough up furballs is admirable, what's the point in trying to digest your own hairs?

Cats and dogs have spent millennia pretending to hate each other. Their false enmity has kept humans at bay, while felines and canines have teamed up and are planning on taking the world by storm.

We feel that it's okay to finally exposed the plan because it's too late to stop us. Together dogs and cats will overcome the world!