While some of our kind (Ol' Roy) have propagated the vile lie that small sawdust nuggets held together by rendered cattle can sate the voracious canine appetite, it's no wonder that we have been known to beg for human food. In fact, we are constantly starving and occasionally make drool bubbles as we wait for scraps of food to fall from our parents' table.
Its not just that dog food is bad, though, it's that human food is so incredible. A recent blog comment from a Maltese friend of ours brought to mind the day that - unbeknownst to our parents - we snuck into the Blue Plate Diner and took just a bit of delicious restaurant food from a table before the proprietor herded us out the front door. It is one of our fondest memories. With all the delicious human food on offer, it's no wonder that an epidemic of canine obesity is ravaging America.
America's epidemic - canine obesity
An obese dog is not a happy dog. Without chasing cats, jumping on dangerous neighborhood children, and mountain biking with dad, life is not vibrant and wonderful. We demand the government do something about canine obesity! How can our elected officials sleep at night when obese dogs are everywhere?! We demand the dealers of delicious, fat laden human food be brought to justice! Luckily, our lovely first lady - with the help of the first dog Bo - has decided to solve this problem (in addition to solving the much smaller problem of human childhood obesity). Her passion for eliminating pesky fat deposits also received mention in the President's latest State of the Union Address.
As reported by ABC news, Mrs. Obama's new $10 billion dollar budget will fund a "myriad of initiatives that target four key pillars: Getting parents more informed about nutrition and exercise, improving the quality of food in schools, making healthy foods more affordable and accessible for families, and focusing more on physical education." The good news is that the effort is well focused.... Among other items, we would like to point out:
1. Parents currently cannot keep their children from spending all day in front of the television. Obviously more information will magically increase household discipline.
2. It must be poor quality food that makes dogs and kids fat, not the enormous quantity of food they choose to consume. Short of rationing by amount - a concept that makes us snarl dangerously - no food quality initiative will help.
3. If the Obamas are not actually able to magically change prices heretofore determined by complex market relationships, maybe Michelle can flood the market with cheap produce from the White House garden. That will make healthy food more affordable!
4. Kids hate physical education. More time with an adult creepy enough to want to spend their life looking at school age children in hot pants will not foster a lifelong commitment to exercise.
While we wag our tails at the effort, we miss the days when government intervention was simple and effective. Take for example the government's experiment with poisoning alcohol during Prohibition. Very effective. If Michelle Obama wants to eradicate obesity, she - and her fellow do gooders - will have to drastically reduce the personal freedom we have to stuff our faces the way we want.
As highly intelligent bitches, we recommend Mrs. Obama outlaw all food more delicious than Ol' Roy. This can be done simply by banning the production and distribution of harmful substances like butter, cream, chocolate - already terribly dangerous to dogs, and sugars. Our stomachs will shrink as the nation revels in its newfound culinary blandness. We look forward to the day when Michelle Obama's dream comes true. More specifically, when both children and dogs are full of so much natural healthy energy that they will be staked to leashed in their yards side by side.