Technology - iPad

Our nation has drawn together this week, united by a common goal, evaluating the new Apple iPad.

We love touch screens. Our parents both have iPhones, and we find the screens very responsive to our rough paws and our claws have only made minor scratches in the glass. We were excited about blogging on a device that seemed perfect for us, a giant iPhone.

We expected to lust over the iPad immediately, but how can you lust over a device that immediately reminds one of feminine hygiene products??? A refined bitch should never even need to use that word - we've been spayed. The stud in charge of naming the device ought to be put in a cone of shame. (We know that a bitch would never make such an egregious error.)

Maggie in a cone of shame.

While we have never used the device, we are full of opinions anyways -- this is a trait we have learned from humans. Most notably, we find Dr. Laura Schlessinger especially amazing -- she always knows how to do the 'right thing' with the scantest of context!

Reasons We Would Like an iPad:

- Cool factor. The dogs at the dog park would be impressed.

- Fun to use.

- Easier for our unwieldy paws to use than the iPhone.

Reasons We Will Not Buy an iPad:

- Stupidest. Name. Ever.

- We are not interested in another subscription. Audible, Netflix, gas, power, cell phones, mortgage. NO MORE MONTHLY BILLS.

- Doesn't really fit into our computer/media usage. It wouldn't replace any of our current devices. (Including: Desktop, notebook, Kindle, iPhone.)

- We already have pads on our paws, and they are much more functional than Apple's pads. You can't run after dad's mountain bike on four iPads!

- Has many of the limitations of the iPhone: No flash (read: No Hulu), No applications running in the background (read: No Pandora), smudgy screen (read: Nose juices everywhere).

The Apple website describes the iPad as, "Our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device at an unbelievable price." We want to be convinced, but for now the only magic we believe in is at Hogwarts.

Movie - Up In the Air

In order to better understand our father, we snuck out of our house to watch George Clooney's latest picture, Up In the Air. We will never understand the obsession of humans to fly in the sky like birds. We hunt birds and find their flesh delicious. Perhaps our father flies on planes to snatch fresh prey from the sky. Yum! We will have to ask him when he gets home.

In any case, we loved Up In the Air. We laughed at the obsession Ryan Bingham has over hotel rewards and airline frequent flier miles. We have licked our butts through many long discussions between our father and our grandpa Dean about their 'medallion status' and which airport has the best-equipped crown room. BOooooring.

The movie had a great message and ended realistically. It was fun, fresh, and interesting. It was one of the best flicks we've seen in some time.

We loved George Clooney's salt and pepper hairstyle. Maggie, the elder of the bitches, has started to show her age in the grey hairs on her chin. There is nothing wrong with greying with age, and we don't understand why humans insist on coloring the evidence of their wisdom. Additionally, Maggie's boobies (She has 8, while Sammi has 10. Believe us, the boy dogs love Sammi's extra pair!) are starting to sag with age, and she sees no reason to get doggy booby enhancement surgery, the boy-dogs love her just the way she is! That is, if she would ever let them get near her at the dog park...

Pugnacious Local Politician

While, as intelligent and influential bitches, we feel that sharing our insight adds significantly to the national political dialogue – we are unsure that our bark really makes a difference. While our parents encourage us to continue to write about national issues, we have become discouraged. Bo – the current First Dog – has begun to exercise a stranglehold on all doggie correspondence to those in power. And, while the Portuguese Water Dog is known for its spiritedness and intelligence, Bo has been corrupted by power. He doles out access only to bitches who raised money for the Obamas in 2008 (or wear a blue dress and beret to the oval dog house). We don’t meet either criteria. If you remember, Sammi was an ardent Clinton supporter – she really wanted to see a Bitch in the White House. Maggie is a Libertarian.

So, we’ve decided to sink our teeth into local politics. This has been no easy task, because the only thing we knew know about local politics is that our current Mayor, Tom Dolan, ran on the ‘mustache platform’. Because the mustache is simply a human version of dog whiskers, we wholeheartedly supported his candidacy.

Tom Dolan (With a cat?!)

Other local politicians, though, do not leave such a good impression. While his pug-like good looks at first reminded us of our friends Sasha and Scooter, Chris Buttars represents everything that is wrong with representative government. And, unlike his archetype Strom Thurmond, Representative Buttars refuses to change with the times.

Senator Buttars

A pug

For those of you who don’t know Mr. Buttars, he represents South and West Jordan in the Utah State Senate. We have always been suspicious of South Jordan – what type of community wouldn’t have a dog park?! When interviewed, Sasha and Scooter voiced an emphatic WOOF of disproval over the physical similarities.

The American Kennel Club states “[Pugs] are recognized for their even-tempers, playful personalities, and their outgoing, loving dispositions.”This hardly describes a man who claimed “Brown v. Board of Education is wrong to begin with,” and “This baby is black, I'll tell you. This is a dark, ugly thing.” Buttars, in a January 2009 interview, also said that gays and lesbians were "the greatest threat to America going down," comparing members of the LGBT community to radical muslims. "I believe they will destroy the foundation of the American society.”

Senator Buttars has obviously never even spent time with a dog because he cannot recognize that we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary process. In fact, this wizard of a scientist sponsored a bill in 2006 that would have teachers tell students evolution is a controversial theory and offer “Divine Design” as an alternative. Hey Senator Buttars – you obviously descended from a monkey!

The physical similarities are striking, though. “The head is large, massive, round–not apple-headed, with no indentation of the skull. The eyes are dark in color, very large, bold and prominent, globular in shape… The wrinkles are large and deep. The muzzle is short, blunt, square, but not upfaced.” The AKC really couldn’t have done a better job describing Mr. Buttars. It’s a shame when bad humans look like good dogs.

We urge the voters of West Jordan and South Jordan to represent themselves better! Stand up and show that you are not ignorant, racist, and backwards – help Chris Buttars retire. And while you’re at it, build a dog park!

Book - The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

In Garth Stein's novel, The Art of Racing in the Rain, the narrator is the family's faithful dog. Enzo, a lab/terrier mix, is as loyal a companion as a man or child could hope for, and his unconditional love for his family is evident.

Though it may violate the contract we had previously signed, we're going to let you in a little secret. We consulted with Garth Stein in this book, most of his best ideas are from us! Think about it; halfway through the book, Danny, the alpha male of the household figures out that leaving the television on for his dog during the day makes him happy. We have our tv on all the time, giving us ample time to watch our soaps! Enzo loves to rip apart stuffed animals, be with his master, interrupt personal times, and ride in fast cars. Sound like anyone you know? Yes, the Bitches!

This is a must read, and not just because Enzo is dog after our own heart. Stein writes a beautiful story of love, loss, healing, and the intangible bond between man and his dog. We suppose that non-dog-lovers would like it as well, but we don't really associate with people like that, so that's just a guess.

[maggiE aNd sammi iZ dOod uns = ENZO ] <--Evidence

Music -- Flight of the Conchords (season 2)

Have you ever tried a kiwi? What a delicious, juicy surprise! It’s not often that unfamiliar floor food is so luscious (Sammi will never forgive Mom for the clove of garlic she dropped on the floor last week). We also imagine that taking a large bite out of a human kiwi would be delicious. Lamb fed, ruddy, and natural human-kiwi induces our Pavlovian drool response.

As part of our vigilant food detection regimen, we have been learning how to identify Kiwis who may stray within our perimeter - remember, no fence can contain us. One important exercise has been listening to a couple of talented New Zealanders: the Flight of the Conchords.

We enjoyed the first season of their television show, The Flight of the Conchords, and the second season doesn’t disappoint. We were especially touched by the episode dedicated to ‘Pepileptic Dogs.’ Bret and Jemaine dedicate their time, musical talent, and powerpoint skills to raise money for this important-yet-obscure cause.

More importantly, just like the first season’s soundtrack, the Conchord’s newest music inspires our parents to sing along and generally act like fools. So, if you feel like laughing at some over the top musical comedy, this may be your ticket.

“Some people say that rappers are invincible

We're 'vincible (we're 'vincible)

What you are about to hear are true stories (real experiences)

Autobiographical raps (things that happen to us)

All true - bring the rhymes!”

-- “Hurt Feelings”

“Bret, she was looking at me

No, she was looking at me

Bret, she was looking at me, she had her eye on my knee

Dawg, I am sorry, she had her eye on my guns

Oh, you're loco! She was checkin out my buns

No bro, she had her eye on me

She had her eye on me

Well how could she have her eye on both of us?

Wait a minute, you talkin’ bout the girl with the lazy eye?

I think she might have had a slight little lazy eye

We're both in love with a sexy lady with an eye thats lazy

The girl thats fly with a wonky eye

She’s smokin’ with an eye thats broken, I think it's hot

The way she looks left a lot”

-- “We’re Both in Love With a Sexy Lady”

Listen to the album or we’ll bite you. Really. We’re starving -- what ever happened to free feeding?

Politics - Nancy Pelosi

Because we were bred for hunting, we are keen observers of our environment. Unfortunately, humans frown on bringing dead animals in from the yard, so we focus our rapier sharp skills on other activities

. And, because we are the most civic minded bitches at the dog park, we have been following politics with great interest. Here’s what we found: Nancy Pelosi is just like a Boston Terrier. Even your weak human eyes can see the similarities.

We know some very famous Boston Terriers, Roxy and Zion, who - when consulted - confirmed that Miss Pelosi is just the type of Bitch they would call their own. She has also been known to exhibit some strikingly dog-esque behavioral patterns. Compare her reaction to President Obama’s State of the Union address to the Boston Terrier JazzyLou’s reaction to seeing her toy in a bird bath. The similarities are striking.

Additionally, Speaker Pelosi’s dogged pursuit of President Obama’s healthcare legislation is just the type of behavior exhibited by the Boston Terrier. The American Kennel Club states (speaking of both the Boston Terrier and Nancy Pelosi) “they require only a moderate amount of exercise and a minimum amount of grooming. The breed is easy to train and they are easy keepers, preferring to remain by their owner’s sides.” This explains both Miss Pelosi’s look and her unwavering support of the President.

The similarities continue, “the dog conveys an impression of determination, strength and activity, with style of a high order; carriage easy and graceful. The thighs are strong and well muscled, bent at the stifles and set true. The hocks are short to the feet, turning neither in nor out, with a well defined hock joint. The feet are small and compact with short nails.” A perfect description if we’ve ever heard one.

As the most powerful Bitch in Congress, we have immense respect for Speaker Pelosi, although Maggie has never agreed with her worldview. And we imagine that, like the Boston Terrier, in person she would be friendly and lively - which makes her an incomparable companion!

Game - Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

We don’t want to come across as arrogant, but - like most dogs - we are capable of exercising incredible restraint. Our dad is not capable of sitting, and staying, the way we are. That’s why he never gets a biscuit. And mom has never been able to sit on the front yard and point out birds with absolute concentration. That’s why we were so surprised when it took Sammi an entire year to understand that doors are not a snack.

Once Sammi grasped the idea that compulsively biting the door would not free us from the downstairs dungeon, dad upgraded our living space. This has been wonderful (the plaintiffs in Judge Judy are so convincing in hi-def!). The best part, though, has been the addition of Playstation into our typically television rich daily routine. Our drool reflex was triggered when we noticed a Playstation game produced by Naughty Dog. We were hoping for some instruction, but ended up playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves for three straight days instead.

The gameplay is amazing, and it turns out our paws can manipulate the little joysticks with surprising dexterity. The game’s protagonist, and intrepid treasure hunter, tracks the evil villain through dozens of incredibly detailed levels to snatch the treasure at the last minute. Uncharted 2 is like a James Bond movie mated with a Choose Your Own Adventure book - you control Bond. We love Bond - his mating rituals are similar to those of our species - and the game provides some love interests for the main character. Unfortunately, there is no in game mating. We will never understand the human tendency to banish that activity from public.

This game has it all: the potential for world domination, shooting, puzzle solving, love, and a rich environment. It’s so good we would roll over and submit for it. 8 paws up! Feel free to come over anytime and delve into this game with us, although we may lick the screen when it gets exciting.

Book - Cesar's Way by Cesar Millan

And now we come to that insipid man, the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan. Our parents recently read his book, Cesar's Way. We can tell that they have already started using his evil tactics to try and control us.

Cesar has tapped into the inner psyche of dogs. He has spent time studying their packs and has taught himself to be the ultimate pack leader. We dogs have been programmed through the ages to obey without question their pack leader. He teaches humans how to exploit this great trait, at the chagrin of housedogs everywhere.

We can already detect the changes in our lives. Our parents are controlling us. They are stopping us from jumping on them when they get home from wherever they go all day. Our mother is no longer letting us eat straight from the dishwasher. We have to walk next to them on walks now, as if!

This cruel immigrant moved from his home country to wreak havoc on American doggies. We think it is time to start a great crusade the world over to stop Cesar and all his evil ways. We dogs need to stop listening to anyone that acts in a 'calm-assertive' manner. We need to make sure that every copy of Cesar's Way is destroyed, preferably by canine chewing. We do not need to be 'whispered' at to be well-behaved, we got along just fine before Cesar came along, and we're the worse for his words in our home....

IT IS WAR.

Movie - Avatar

We were still a twinkle in a bitch’s eye when the movie Ferngully came out, so we were excited by Avatar. A movie we thought would be a carbon copy of the 90’s classic, but with better visual effects. We snuck into the IMAX 3D theater by our house to watch, and settled in for a thrilling ride. Unfortunately, 3D doesn’t work for dogs like it does for humans, we ended up vomiting (and then eating back up the sick, naturally) and left early. We returned the next night, buying tickets to the regular theater, which worked out much better for us.

As a science fiction/fantasy idea, the movie was incredible. Rarely are intricate worlds so convincingly created, and common sci-fi shortcuts (e.g. planetary air equivalent to earth, mildly disguised humans) were avoided. We loved the idea of connecting to a global network through braid chords. We saw a lot of really cool ideas that we thought about for days afterwards. The only gripe we have in the Pandora world is that dogs are portrayed as evil villains that attack without provocation, outrageous!

Our main howl against the show was based in plot. Many of the characters were extremely one-dimensional (e.g. The businessman, the army guy) and suffered from loss of imagination. And speaking of lack of imagination, what the woof is unobtainium? The plot was thin, partly because they needed so much action in a movie that was already three hours long. (Which is 21 hours in doggy time, interminable!!!) The other part was a design flaw from the outset. As an audience, we are tired of the message that the West is greedy, obsessed with destroying nature, and heartless towards indigenous peoples.

Our solution: Make it a two, or even three part series. The potential was easily there to develop complex plotlines. People’s interest would have been piqued with the first movie, and the agenda (if necessary) could have been introduced later on. Also, there would have been time for character development of secondary (read: humans) parts. We think the movie had Star Wars potential, but as is, it will fall flat.

We think you should see it, at least so you know what everyone’s talking about, but unobtainium? Give us a break. We’re dogs, we can smell a pile of crap from lightyears away.

Book - Sustainable Energy Without the Hot Air by David MacKay

Sammi, having a particularly powerful social conscience, was deeply affected by the specter of Climate Change after watching An Inconvenient Truth last year. Maggie, however, was a climate change skeptic. On Sammi’s recommendation, though, Maggie accepted President Obama’s invitation to join him at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.

Those world leaders – so selfless. The courage of these ordinary politicians inspired us to chew on little bit thicker book than usual; Sustainable Energy – Without the Hot Air by David JC MacKay.

David MacKay is a scientist (the odd breed of human that describes our mother), so his book begins with a data intensive chapter on historic emissions of Co2, and a quick review of the science behind global warming. While we typically enjoy books that reinforce our world view, it was refreshing to read a book that laid all biases and assumptions out for the reader to review. The remainder of the book explores sustainable energy sources in the UK and weighs their potential against current energy consumption. This book is good, and is the first thing that we have read to make some sense out of a highly emotional debate.

We don’t want to give it away, but even highly evolved blogger bitches like us consume far less energy than even the smelliest of our daddy’s telemarking friends. For any of you who care about the earth at all, we recommend an immediate policy change to support dog ownership. This policy cannot be too ambitious. Specifics could include lifting the federal tax credit for children, creating universal doggie day care as part of the national health care plan, and providing free table scraps for all. Also, while Congress is making this change, it would be nice to exempt dogs from airport security – we don’t wear underpants.

Enjoy your weekend, and don’t forget to thank the next dog you see for their role in saving the Earth. A vigorous belly rub will do.

The Bitches

New Year's Resolutions

We have to thank our mother's cousin Kirsten for letting us have these lovely reindeer antlers, rather than giving them to her little girl. We got a lot of use out of these!

In the classic tradition of canines and humans the world over, we decided to list our New Year's resolutions for 2010 on this blog. Some of them will be easier to keep than others, but we hope to foster a spirit of self-improvement, encouraging our parents and readers to change as well.

Sammi's Resolutions

1. Stop licking my armpits.

2. Finish my fight with the German Shepherd in the dog park over who is better, the Kaiser (Yes!) or the Fuhrer (No!). German breeds have a hard time getting along...

3. Stop licking my boobies. My parents have gone through tubes and tubes of booby salve (aka Neosporin) this year. Oh, but they taste so good!

4. Stop looking at kitty porn.

5. Write the next great American novel.

Maggie's Resolutions

1. Stay cancer free! No more microwaves, cell phones, or eating from uranium deposits.

2. Destroy Cesar Millan...

3. Stay away from all clothes, and my mother who wants to put me in said clothes.

4. Love my daddy, the ultimate alpha male.

5. Spend more time outside sniffing the flowers and finding the perfect spot to daintily dribble some urines.

New Year; New You

After running in circles for three hours today, we realized we haven’t posted for a very long time. Although catching your stub/tail is a lofty goal, we know our status as mildly celebrated bitch bloggers requires more dedication. We also know that “holiday” is just code for spending hours in the basement to lick, watch tv, read, scratch, and blog.

During the last few months a lot has happened in our world. Maggie had a cancer scare and numerous health problems due to a particularly awful 'bumor' (butt tumor). This has significantly changed our perspective on the current healthcare debate being held by those bitches in Washington, but more on that later.

Sammi has become even more neurotic, and has fallen in love with the dog fashion selections available at Old Navy.

But none of these events match up to the most heinous of acts committed by our parents this weekend, which more than anything else, drove us to blogg about the injustice of our lives.

They are attempting to control us using Cesar's patented Doggy Manipulation and Cruelty techniques. We are hard-headed bitches with minds of our own. We reserve the right to pull on our leashes, growl at the terrier down the street, and most of all, bark viciously at that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, our mail carrier. Luckily our parents left the computer on yesterday and we were able to do a little research on this Cesar character. Cesar is obviously evil - even at the normally tender age of 13, he publicly declared his intention to be the best dog trainer in the world. I'm drooling just thinking about biting his bitter, tender flesh. Also, Mr. Millan illegally crossed the US border in 1990.

Maggie, being a libertarian, has tended to agree with our current President - "America has nothing to fear from today's immigrants." And "America can only prosper when all Americans prosper--brown, black, white, Asian, and Native American." Well, Maggie, looks like Cesar's trying to keep you down -- and you're BROWN! We have everything to fear.

We will be posting our complete review on Cesar's book shortly - and will demonstrate that such powerful whispering techniques can work on humans too.

Have a fantastic New Year, and feel free to send any suggestions for media to review!

The Bitches