Monday, January 25, 2010

Pugnacious Local Politician

While, as intelligent and influential bitches, we feel that sharing our insight adds significantly to the national political dialogue – we are unsure that our bark really makes a difference. While our parents encourage us to continue to write about national issues, we have become discouraged. Bo – the current First Dog – has begun to exercise a stranglehold on all doggie correspondence to those in power. And, while the Portuguese Water Dog is known for its spiritedness and intelligence, Bo has been corrupted by power. He doles out access only to bitches who raised money for the Obamas in 2008 (or wear a blue dress and beret to the oval dog house). We don’t meet either criteria. If you remember, Sammi was an ardent Clinton supporter – she really wanted to see a Bitch in the White House. Maggie is a Libertarian.

So, we’ve decided to sink our teeth into local politics. This has been no easy task, because the only thing we knew know about local politics is that our current Mayor, Tom Dolan, ran on the ‘mustache platform’. Because the mustache is simply a human version of dog whiskers, we wholeheartedly supported his candidacy.

Tom Dolan (With a cat?!)

Other local politicians, though, do not leave such a good impression. While his pug-like good looks at first reminded us of our friends Sasha and Scooter, Chris Buttars represents everything that is wrong with representative government. And, unlike his archetype Strom Thurmond, Representative Buttars refuses to change with the times.

Senator Buttars

A pug

For those of you who don’t know Mr. Buttars, he represents South and West Jordan in the Utah State Senate. We have always been suspicious of South Jordan – what type of community wouldn’t have a dog park?! When interviewed, Sasha and Scooter voiced an emphatic WOOF of disproval over the physical similarities.

The American Kennel Club states “[Pugs] are recognized for their even-tempers, playful personalities, and their outgoing, loving dispositions.”This hardly describes a man who claimed “Brown v. Board of Education is wrong to begin with,” and “This baby is black, I'll tell you. This is a dark, ugly thing.” Buttars, in a January 2009 interview, also said that gays and lesbians were "the greatest threat to America going down," comparing members of the LGBT community to radical muslims. "I believe they will destroy the foundation of the American society.”

Senator Buttars has obviously never even spent time with a dog because he cannot recognize that we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary process. In fact, this wizard of a scientist sponsored a bill in 2006 that would have teachers tell students evolution is a controversial theory and offer “Divine Design” as an alternative. Hey Senator Buttars – you obviously descended from a monkey!

The physical similarities are striking, though. “The head is large, massive, round–not apple-headed, with no indentation of the skull. The eyes are dark in color, very large, bold and prominent, globular in shape… The wrinkles are large and deep. The muzzle is short, blunt, square, but not upfaced.” The AKC really couldn’t have done a better job describing Mr. Buttars. It’s a shame when bad humans look like good dogs.

We urge the voters of West Jordan and South Jordan to represent themselves better! Stand up and show that you are not ignorant, racist, and backwards – help Chris Buttars retire. And while you’re at it, build a dog park!


Anonymous said...

"Hey Senator Buttars – you obviously descended from a monkey!"

The bitch's humor is razor sharp-ei.

Kris said...

Love it! Please don't pick on any Cache Valley (I am thinking of a specific town) politicians. You are TOO funny...and spot on!

4 Reale said...

Politicians should be more like me and the late, great Evita Peron! (I was named after her, you know!)



PS. Tell your mom thanks for fixing my paws! When can we play!?

Anonymous said...

Dog latin for Chris Buttars species: homophobus dorki malum