It was with great relish that we tuned into last week's State of the Union address. Watching Speaker Pelosi bounce up and down like her breed-sake JazzyLou always makes us drool with anticipation - she did not disappoint! President Obama is also a powerful speaker, especially in contrast to his predecessor W. While we have enjoyed his previous political speeches, the luster has begun to fade.
In case you were not aware, dogs are evolutionarily advantaged to resist the wiles of political speech writers. Both the Weimareiner and Labrador Retriever have large, floppy ears that - when positioned properly - can block the persuasive sounds of human speech. Last week, for example, Sammi managed to finish digging a very important hole in the garden while mom was yelling at her!
Humans on the other hand, are cursed with exposed ear canals that leave you powerless against President Obama's words - at least when he can see his teleprompter. So, we decided to cover our ears, turn on closed captioning, and critically examine the speech for the benefit of our human readers.
- Obama: "We have to seek new markets aggressively, just as our competitors are. If America sits on the sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, we will lose the chance to create jobs on our shores. But realizing those benefits also means enforcing those agreements so our trading partners play by the rules."
- Bitches: We've always know that our problems are caused by the actions of other nations. Every Weimareiner knows that the problems in Germany between World Wars were the Russians fault - Sammi's great grand-stud was the hunting companion of an influential member of the Reichstag! We couldn't agree more - make those 'others' play by our rules. We'll be damned if modern dogs from Labrador or Germany take our blogging jobs.
- Obama: "At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program. On top of that, the effects of the recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget. All this was before I walked in the door."
- Bitches: We are happy to understand that President Obama is not responsible for any of the current rash government spending. He looks judicious, and apparently he is as judicious as a bird dog on point. It was at this point in the speech that we could not stop growling at the Republicans in the audience.
- Obama: "Last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests -- including foreign corporations -- to spend without limit in our elections. I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities."
- Bitches: Good one Barack. We too miss the days when the Supreme Court was biased against those different than us. What ever happened to Justice Taney of Dred Scott fame? He was a true American hero. Plus, if we allowed foreigners to influence elections they may just want to recall some of that debt so carelessly piled up by the previous administration.
Perhaps you could not tell that Maggie and I do not actually agree with many of the tenets of the President's speech - our instructor at the Petsmart school of dog obedience recently taught us about satire as a literary tool. We found one his final remarks to be the most telling:
"When the Union was turned back at Bull Run, and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt. When the market crashed on Black Tuesday, and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, the future was anything but certain. These were the times that tested the courage of our convictions, and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitations and our fears, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation, as one people."
We love our country, and we feel that America's diversity is the key to its success. It was a small faction of radical Republicans who pushed for Emancipation and reunification during our Civil War. Civil rights marchers were interlopers in the deep south, they challenged unity in a fundamental way. We are suspicious of any human who feels the need to be leader of a large pack (that includes you Cesar!). So, it is with great conviction that we urge our human friends to look beyond President Obama's resolute tone, charming good looks, and loyal dog. Foreigners, immigrants, and previous administrations did not force consumers, businesses, and government to gorge on unsustainable amounts of debt. Language, skin color, and dependence on foreign oil did not cause our problems. It was cats.
So, when the next State of the Union rolls around, we will not be listening. We prefer to sit at home and lick our privates.