Lookalike - Jesse Jackson

For all of you readers who were concerned about our newfound love for cats last week - April Fools! We couldn't help but get caught up in the spirit of such a wonderful holiday. Rest assured, though, we terrorized the neighborhood cats all day on April 2nd to make up for it.

We heard (through the great barking chain of course) that our friend Echo - a beautiful, black standard poodle - is upset about never being featured on the blog. In fact, there was some speculation on Echo's part about being excluded due to her color. Being a minority herself, Maggie is very familiar with discrimination and reached out to her close, personal friend Jesse Jackson to understand how to best deal with these allegations. Then it hit us! Echo and Jesse Jackson could be twins!

We often stay at Echo's house while our parents are out having fun without us (we know they are having fun because they often come home smelling like food - why don't they take us?!). During these forced displacements we find the atmosphere oppressive. While we know how to bully Echo's mom into opening the treat cupboard on demand, Echo's other mom practices a particularly effective form of Cesar Milan's doggie mind control. We found this environment oppressive until Echo showed us the path to freedom - the doggie door!

Like Echo, Jesse Jackson has been trying to lead oppressed minorities to a better place. At least if you don't count American Jews or black-turned-President Obama as minorities. During his 1984 Presidential campaign Jackson remarked "four out of five [of Nixon's top advisors] are German Jews and their priorities are on Europe and Asia"; that he was "sick and tired of hearing about the Holocaust"; and that there are "very few Jewish reporters that have the capacity to be objective about Arab affairs." Oops - we wonder why his campaign floundered. Jackson also criticized then-Senator Barack Obama for "acting White" and later, in 2008, was caught on tape saying "see, Barack's been, ahh, talking down to black people on this faith-based... I want to cut his nuts out." We dogs know something about having nuts cut out; this is not an appropriate punishment for holding unpopular political views. While, on the other hand, we completely understand hatred for one particular race - cats. Like Jackson, Echo has been known to help dogs find freedom while harboring secret dreams of cornering a cat and shaking it by the neck like a brand new squeak toy.

Speaking of the Poodle, the AKC says it is an "intelligent and elegant-appearing dog, squarely built, well proportioned, moving soundly and carrying himself proudly. Properly clipped in the traditional fashion and carefully groomed, the Poodle has about him an air of distinction and dignity peculiar to himself." Due to the particular physiology shared by Jackson and the standard poodle, Jackson has been able to hold his head proudly despite numerous affairs and a very public love-child (something we, as bitches, would never feel ashamed of!). From the AKC, the Poodle's (and Jackson's) "neck [is] well proportioned, strong and long enough to permit the head to be carried high and with dignity. Skin snug at throat. The neck rises from strong, smoothly muscled shoulders." A well clipped Jackson certainly fits the profile of a standard Poodle.

We urge Echo to continue her errand of showing bitches everywhere the doggie door of emancipation while holding her head up high. As Jackson has demonstrated so capably, her Poodle physiology means she can continue to hold her own prejudiced beliefs and philander, while remaining a respected leader in the fight against dog whispering! We urge all of our readers to reach out and pet the first poodle you see as a sign of respect, even if it is Jesse Jackson!

Local politics - teenage terrors!

We - the world's pre-eminent bitch judges - typically howl in support of political dialogue. So, it was with great regret, that we read about a neighboring city whose Council didn't even need Super Dell Schanze to make decisions a bitch in heat would regret.

After a speech at the State Capital by former NYC Mayor Guliani, during the Q&A session, a member of the Orem Youth City Council had the audacity to ask a question! Even worse, the question came from a book! And the worst part? The book was Freakonomics - a title that may or may not cause teenagers to get freaky! We are growling just thinking that a modern teenager would read a thought provoking book instead of updating his Facebook status. More specifically, Stevie confronted Guliani with the author's contention that legalized abortion - not the Mayor's celebrated crime fighting policies - were behind NYC's renaissance. Orem City agrees with us. We all feel that Stevie should have been at home telling his Facebook friends about his latest Farmville achievement, not attending a political speech. In fact, Orem City felt so strongly that it immediately removed Stevie from the Youth City Council for asking his question.

The city attorney, Paul Johnson, used razor sharp legal reasoning to explain why Stevie was expelled from the Youth City Council in his letter of dismissal. Johnson states:

"before we left in the bus for the capital, I admonished everyone to stay together. I gave the warning particularly because I was worried based on past experience that you, Derek and Nick would go off on your own. And that is exactly what you did. Then during Dale Murphy's speech, you three continuously talked among yourselves in a manner that made it harder for everyone else to listen to him... Yours is not the attitude that we want on the Youth City Council. I'm sorry that this has happened and I hope that you can learn something from it."

We couldn't figure out if this was dialogue from a really boring episode of Gossip Girl - you know, the one where Blake Lively decides to get involved in student government - or if the text was actually written by someone older than 17. I hope that Mr. Johnson also told Stevie that he couldn't sit at his lunch table.... Second, don't they teach writing in law school? As lovers of good writing, we recommend Volokh's classic Academic Legal Writing to our attorney friend - he may find it helpful in convincing others that his diploma didn't come from a mail order catalogue or that he learned to speak and write while being raised by monkeys in the Amazon.

The real meat of the Orem Department of Legal Service's letter, though, was that Stevie "used [his] membership on the Youth City Council to advance [his] own agenda, and ended up embarrassing the City and government." What?! To think that a teenager, involved in politics, would ever think of his own agenda is disappointing. It's more likely that his heroes - amazing men and women like Barak Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and George W. Bush - have taught him selflessness through their examples. I bet that the Orem City Council never has an agenda either - I can't imagine where Stevie got the idea that it's ok to have an agenda as a politician. His parents must be truly awful humans and perhaps are using drugs as we click away at the keys with our long nails - it seems to be the only explanation for his behavior.

Even worse, how could you embarrass the "City and the government" Stevie? Didn't you know that governments have feelings too?

We recommend that all cities immediately ban reading and thoughtful deliberation by teenagers. We also recommend that any book on dog obedience, training, or whispering be burned. Only once our cities have protected us, can we all listen to our homegrown heroes - the politicians - regale us with unbiased, non-agenda stories that warm even the coldest hearts. And, in closing, we echo Mr. Johnson's sentiment. We hope you've learned something important Stevie!

Politics - Governor David Paterson

While we typically follow political scandal like a cat with a ball of yarn, we do not understand the furor over ‘troopergate’. We knew we liked New York Governor David Paterson the first time we laid eyes on his rich luxurious coloring, small eyes, and large powerful jowls. He looks just like a Bloodhound!

Watching Best in Show always reminds us that the Bloodhound is an amazing animal. It has been European man’s domesticated partner since before the Crusades when the first specimens were brought from Constantinople. We also admire the North American Bloodhound’s tireless support for law enforcement.

Last month, Governor Paterson was charged with witness tampering in a domestic violence case against staffer David W. Johnson. Allegedly, Governor Paterson had the New York State Police persuade the woman to drop her case. We don’t understand the problem! Like the Bloodhound, Governor Paterson knows that loyalty is the most important of human virtues. We’ve been known to snarl at whoever needed to keep the bird homicide charges from sticking. Bitches [and bloodhounds] stick together!

The AKC describes the Bloodhound as a “unique looking dog in a baggy suit.” The beleaguered New York governor certainly fits the description. We also know that, while affectionate, Governor Paterson can be sensitive to correction by his master (in his case, public opinion). We guess that this sensitivity is why, despite heavy pressure, he has refused to step down from his post.

From his press conferences it’s easy to see that the AKC was exactly right when they described Governor Paterson:

The expression is noble and dignified, and characterized by solemnity, wisdom, and power. The head is furnished with an amount of loose skin, which in nearly every position appears superabundant, but more particularly so when the head is carried low; the skin then falls into loose, pendulous ridges and folds, especially over the forehead and sides of the face.

So, as influential politically savvy bitches, we urge the media to see Governor David Paterson for who he is - a loyal, wonderful man whose canine traits make him a supremely competent leader.

Current Events - Canine Obesity

While some of our kind (Ol' Roy) have propagated the vile lie that small sawdust nuggets held together by rendered cattle can sate the voracious canine appetite, it's no wonder that we have been known to beg for human food. In fact, we are constantly starving and occasionally make drool bubbles as we wait for scraps of food to fall from our parents' table.

Its not just that dog food is bad, though, it's that human food is so incredible. A recent blog comment from a Maltese friend of ours brought to mind the day that - unbeknownst to our parents - we snuck into the Blue Plate Diner and took just a bit of delicious restaurant food from a table before the proprietor herded us out the front door. It is one of our fondest memories. With all the delicious human food on offer, it's no wonder that an epidemic of canine obesity is ravaging America.

America's epidemic - canine obesity

An obese dog is not a happy dog. Without chasing cats, jumping on dangerous neighborhood children, and mountain biking with dad, life is not vibrant and wonderful. We demand the government do something about canine obesity! How can our elected officials sleep at night when obese dogs are everywhere?! We demand the dealers of delicious, fat laden human food be brought to justice! Luckily, our lovely first lady - with the help of the first dog Bo - has decided to solve this problem (in addition to solving the much smaller problem of human childhood obesity). Her passion for eliminating pesky fat deposits also received mention in the President's latest State of the Union Address.

As reported by ABC news, Mrs. Obama's new $10 billion dollar budget will fund a "myriad of initiatives that target four key pillars: Getting parents more informed about nutrition and exercise, improving the quality of food in schools, making healthy foods more affordable and accessible for families, and focusing more on physical education." The good news is that the effort is well focused.... Among other items, we would like to point out:

1. Parents currently cannot keep their children from spending all day in front of the television. Obviously more information will magically increase household discipline.

2. It must be poor quality food that makes dogs and kids fat, not the enormous quantity of food they choose to consume. Short of rationing by amount - a concept that makes us snarl dangerously - no food quality initiative will help.

3. If the Obamas are not actually able to magically change prices heretofore determined by complex market relationships, maybe Michelle can flood the market with cheap produce from the White House garden. That will make healthy food more affordable!

4. Kids hate physical education. More time with an adult creepy enough to want to spend their life looking at school age children in hot pants will not foster a lifelong commitment to exercise.

While we wag our tails at the effort, we miss the days when government intervention was simple and effective. Take for example the government's experiment with poisoning alcohol during Prohibition. Very effective. If Michelle Obama wants to eradicate obesity, she - and her fellow do gooders - will have to drastically reduce the personal freedom we have to stuff our faces the way we want.

As highly intelligent bitches, we recommend Mrs. Obama outlaw all food more delicious than Ol' Roy. This can be done simply by banning the production and distribution of harmful substances like butter, cream, chocolate - already terribly dangerous to dogs, and sugars. Our stomachs will shrink as the nation revels in its newfound culinary blandness. We look forward to the day when Michelle Obama's dream comes true. More specifically, when both children and dogs are full of so much natural healthy energy that they will be staked to leashed in their yards side by side.

Current Events - Toyota Recall

We were horrified to hear the highly accurate, proportionate, and unbiased news coverage surrounding the recent discovery that almost every vehicle produced by Toyota is a death trap. The Japanese (boo hiss!) have been trying to destroy America for years (see also this very recent image of an Anti American rally in Japan).

Being highly logical animals, we understand that when something seems too good to be true, it typically is. And our Toyota-made traveling kennel is far too comfortable to be anything other than a carefully designed and planted Japanese time bomb. Just think, a topper in the winter, large windows for sticking your head out, and our old beds in the back; in the summer the wind rushes through your ears - how could we resist its allure?!

Traveling Kennel in Millcreek Canyon

You can imagine our surprise, then, when an insidious Shiba Inu suggested an alternative explanation. That bitch insinuated our impartial public servants - the ones who currently manage the Federal Government's 61% stake in General Motors and stake in Chrysler - may not have intended to follow through on their promise to avoid meddling in the auto industry. She claims that the Obama Administration - feeling the pressure of public opinion against their auto bailouts - is attempting to hurt Toyota in an effort to boost the value of their investments in GM and Chrysler.

Come to think of it, it is suspicious that Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood told Toyota owners to "stop driving it. Take it to a Toyota dealer because they believe they have a fix for it." Especially considering that he later recanted once the statement made headlines in every major news outlet in the country. In fact, while the DOT told owners that their Toyota vehicles were safe to drive, they prevented Toyota from selling any of the models due to "safety concerns." If they were more concerned about safety than publicity, shouldn't they have prevented already sold models from leaving home as well?

The press has not abated, either. Yesterday's biggest news story was the publication of an internal Toyota memo touting cost savings from negotiating a smaller-than-expected recall in 2007. While the memo was given to the government in 2009, it's interesting that it was not released until right before Toyota's CEO is to scheduled to be flogged by Congress.

Hmmm... perhaps the savage Japanese Shiba could be right. While we'd love to sink our teeth into Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda's soft fleshy belly, it seems obvious that the current administration's response to the questionable decisions made at Toyota was completely self serving. In fact, after reconsidering, it seems like the real situation can best be summed up in the following graph:

So please, humans, if you have a dog - whether bitch or stud - do not let the most recent recall dissuade you from outfitting them with a brand new traveling kennel. Because the only thing worse than questionable corporate judgment is a powerful and bitchy government official!

Book - Mao: The Unknown Story

We love politics! Human pack dynamics are so complicated except at pivotal moments when the opposition chooses to roll over en masse and expose its soft boobies to the pack leader (Democrats to George W. Bush in 2001 and Republicans to President Obama in 2008). While humans are asserting dominance on a small scale every day, it's not often we get to witness it on a grand scale. We are very glad, by the way, that our television news program didn't show Janet Napolitano exposing her boobies in submission to the President after failing to catch the underwear bomber.

Our Fearless Chief of Homeland Security

A Chow Chow we have been courting at the dog park told us a story of a Chinese pack leader who was able to exert dominance over hundreds of millions of people for decades. It was with great interest that we devoured Mao: The Unknown Story by Jung Chang and Jon Halliday.

This exhaustively researched book attacks many of the myths perpetuated by the Chinese Communist Party about its genesis, Mao, and its concern for the peasant. Throughout the text, Mao emerges as monster - concerned with absolutely nothing other than extending his personal sphere of power. He used terror liberally to beat an entire nation into submission. Mao then leveraged this submission to starve tens of millions of Chinese peasants and attempted to purchase international political influence with their food. In fact, the Chinese Communist Party only survived, and took power, because of Stalin's influence and Mao behaved as if he suffered from an inferiority complex the balance of his life. He wasted billions of dollars trying to drive a wedge between the USSR and its satellite states so he could assume power. We assume, had Mao grown up in Idaho, he would have driven a very large truck.

Mao's policies were often ineffective and laden with waste - like his helicopters that not even Pol Pot would accept because of their inability to fly. Mao was also very eccentric (i.e. crazy). He never once took a bath during his reign, preferring instead to be wiped down with towels by his servants, and once declared sparrows as one of the nations 'four pests' and ordered all sparrows destroyed. His anti-sparrow policy was so effective, that he later had to import sparrows from the USSR to reverse adverse ecological effects. We found ourselves drooling at the thought of a world without birds - it was the only Mao policy that we found ourselves in wholehearted agreeance with.

If you have the stomach for a long book that, at times, can be dry - we recommend Mao: The Unknown Story. We gained an appreciation for the incredible resilience of the Chinese people, a greater understanding of the history of a nation that has finally become - after abandoning 'Mao tse-tsung thought' - a superpower, and saw a glimpse into Asian history more broadly. this is the best book we have read in a long time.

We also hope this will help us lure a Chow Chow stud back home from the dog park - what a breed!

The Chow Chow -- fearless and cute

Politics - President's Day

We apologize for not posting yesterday, we were caught up in the spirit of the holiday. We love the Monday holidays early in the year, especially President's day. We were overtaken with curiosity and Wikipedia-ed the day, which is the celebration of George Washington's birthday. We love George Washington, and find his resemblance to the basset hound uncanny.

The inestimable Mr. Washington.

Washington himself received several basset hounds from the Marquis de Layfette to use in his hunting expedition. We believe that he could not be upset to be compared to the basset hound, "In temperment it is mild, never sharp or timid. It is capable of great endurance in the field and is extreme in its devotion." President Washington was extremely devoted to freedom (though not extremely devoted to his homeland as he defected from Britain).

A basset hound, a regal beast.

"The skin over the whole of the head is loose, falling in distinct wrinkles over the brow when the head is lowered... The muzzle is deep, heavy, and free from snipiness." Washington was full of loose skin, thick jowls, and distinct wrinkles.

Politics - Scott Brown

Unless, like a cat, you are not capable of processing current events, we're sure you've heard about the heated elections in Massachusetts. Of the candidates vying for the Senate seat vacated by the late Ted Kennedy, Scott Brown beat the Democratic candidate and surprised the nation by being the first Republican elected to the US Senate from Massachusetts since 1972. This is even before our father was born, if you can believe it!

This is Scott Brown.

We believe that Senator Brown's election marks a turning point. A point in the country's history where we will no longer judge a man for posing nude in Cosmo. (Warning, shocking link.) We don't understand humans and their obsession with covering up body parts that they have all seen anyways. It's very egotistical of them to assume that everyone is constantly wondering what they have under all those layers, though come to think of it, your crotch does smell extra interesting today...

Before Scott Brown can begin to disappoint his electorate with his new position however, we would like to take a moment to admire his visage, his long nose, and his uncanny resemblance to the Scottish Terrier.

Look at those strong forelegs!

The AKC says of the Scottish Terrier, "Naturally a 'digger' at heart, the Scottie was originally bred to hunt and kill vermin on farms." This is obviously true of Scott as well. Please consider, for a moment, this picture of his Democratic opponent, Martha Coakley.

She doesn't look all that smart to us.

They could be sisters!

Yup - digging out vermin is a perfect description. The similarities don't stop there. "The Scottish Terrier should have a thick body and heavy bone." Well, Senator Brown did not get to be Cosmopolitan's Sexiest Man by having a thin scrawny body, that's for sure. "He should exude ruggedness and power, living up to his nickname, the 'Diehard.'" Enough said. If you disagree, we recommend looking at his picture again. Being highly discerning bitches when it comes to aesthetics, we appreciate Senator Brown's natural thickness.

The Scottie Dog is known for its "heads up tails up" attitude, and so is Senator Brown. Though there were several setbacks during his campaign, including a series of attack ads claiming he wanted to deny care to rape victims, he rose above it all and continues to make unpopular choices by pledging to filibuster the new healthcare reform bill in the Senate. Filibuster on Senator Brown - we hope your filibuster becomes as famous as Strom Thurmond's signature move! It only needs to be 24 hours and 19 minutes in length, nonstop.

Senator Scott Brown with his thick bone structure, sex-appeal, and conservative politics beat out Martha Coakley for Massachusetts' Senate seat. This is not unlike the way the Scottish Terrier has killed and devoured rats and other rodents for centuries. Good call, America. We love democracy!

Books - Team of Rivals

While we see the benefit of solidarity in the face of trouble (especially dog whispering), we do not always see eye to eye. Putting two opinionated, ambitious, and intelligent bitches in a room together (or asking them to agree on blog content) can cause conflict. We have always been able to move past this conflict, however, and allow our differences to create a team stronger than the sum of our individual greatness.

Maggie wanted to post on the epidemic of canine obesity this morning, Sammi's opinion won in the end.

While we have heard that humans are capable of teamwork, we understand that they find it far more difficult than canines. To better understand how even the most self interested humans form, maintain, and leverage interpersonal relationships we devoured Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals on the recommendation of our Aunt Didi. While not enlightened enough to be a dog owner, Didi seems to make good book recommendations. She was right in this case!

We have never understood the human fascination for Presidents. Presidents, to us, seem to be an odd aberration of humanity - they change their opinions, character, and persona based on the whims of a fickle public. They groom more than a Sharpei in a dog show, and spend their entire life overtly begging others to love them - we know the only thing worth begging for is food. Despite our pre-conceived notions of what a President is, Abraham Lincoln comes across as the quintessential midwesterner. He is completely centered, unflappable, and remarkably calm. His affable personality, and endless capacity for defusing potentially explosive interpersonal situations with stories were unmatched. Some of Lincoln's cabinet members don't come across so sympathetically though.

President Lincoln, for example, chose Edward Stanton to run the War Department during the Civil War. Stanton's capacity to organize and endless energy made him a highly effective leader. But, as an attorney, Stanton publicly humiliated a younger Lincoln with his callousness and arrogance; reconciliation is a broad theme in the book. Not only did Lincoln have to reconcile with his most bitter rivals - and bring them into his cabinet to create a political coalition that could be sustained throughout the war - he had to find a way to reconcile two national factions so contentious, their fighting would lose over half a million lives.

We also enjoyed the context for American slavery and the discussion of the struggle to Emancipate American blacks. We did not know, for example, that Lincoln's first attempt at emancipation would have compensated slave owners and sent all freed slaves to colonize Liberia - many intelligentsia at the time didn't believe that the two races could live together in peace (this is not unlike the way current intelligentsia, as manifested on National Public Radio, feel about conservatives). American Blacks at the time, however, showed a surprising amount of patriotism for the nation that treated them so poorly. They not only expressed a strong connection to their newfound nation, but took up arms en masse to fight for the Union after Emancipation. Interestingly enough, it was the argument of military necessity that allowed Lincoln to actively pursue a policy of Emancipation.

We feel we have a lot in common with President Lincoln. We take our positions as leader of the family pack very seriously, not unlike how Abe took his responsibility as leader of America in a harrowing time. We even think that Maggie looks a bit like this ruggedly handsome president, below is a photo of her looking her most presidential.

We give this book an enthusiastic four paws up. And, perhaps while we are in this position, a kind reader may want to rub our bellies.

Politics - State of the Union

It was with great relish that we tuned into last week's State of the Union address. Watching Speaker Pelosi bounce up and down like her breed-sake JazzyLou always makes us drool with anticipation - she did not disappoint! President Obama is also a powerful speaker, especially in contrast to his predecessor W. While we have enjoyed his previous political speeches, the luster has begun to fade.

In case you were not aware, dogs are evolutionarily advantaged to resist the wiles of political speech writers. Both the Weimareiner and Labrador Retriever have large, floppy ears that - when positioned properly - can block the persuasive sounds of human speech. Last week, for example, Sammi managed to finish digging a very important hole in the garden while mom was yelling at her!

Humans on the other hand, are cursed with exposed ear canals that leave you powerless against President Obama's words - at least when he can see his teleprompter. So, we decided to cover our ears, turn on closed captioning, and critically examine the speech for the benefit of our human readers.

• Obama: "We have to seek new markets aggressively, just as our competitors are. If America sits on the sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, we will lose the chance to create jobs on our shores. But realizing those benefits also means enforcing those agreements so our trading partners play by the rules."

• Bitches: We've always know that our problems are caused by the actions of other nations. Every Weimareiner knows that the problems in Germany between World Wars were the Russians fault - Sammi's great grand-stud was the hunting companion of an influential member of the Reichstag! We couldn't agree more - make those 'others' play by our rules. We'll be damned if modern dogs from Labrador or Germany take our blogging jobs.

• Obama: "At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program. On top of that, the effects of the recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget. All this was before I walked in the door."

• Bitches: We are happy to understand that President Obama is not responsible for any of the current rash government spending. He looks judicious, and apparently he is as judicious as a bird dog on point. It was at this point in the speech that we could not stop growling at the Republicans in the audience.

• Obama: "Last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests -- including foreign corporations -- to spend without limit in our elections. I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities."

• Bitches: Good one Barack. We too miss the days when the Supreme Court was biased against those different than us. What ever happened to Justice Taney of Dred Scott fame? He was a true American hero. Plus, if we allowed foreigners to influence elections they may just want to recall some of that debt so carelessly piled up by the previous administration.

Perhaps you could not tell that Maggie and I do not actually agree with many of the tenets of the President's speech - our instructor at the Petsmart school of dog obedience recently taught us about satire as a literary tool. We found one his final remarks to be the most telling:

"When the Union was turned back at Bull Run, and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt. When the market crashed on Black Tuesday, and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, the future was anything but certain. These were the times that tested the courage of our convictions, and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitations and our fears, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation, as one people."

We love our country, and we feel that America's diversity is the key to its success. It was a small faction of radical Republicans who pushed for Emancipation and reunification during our Civil War. Civil rights marchers were interlopers in the deep south, they challenged unity in a fundamental way. We are suspicious of any human who feels the need to be leader of a large pack (that includes you Cesar!). So, it is with great conviction that we urge our human friends to look beyond President Obama's resolute tone, charming good looks, and loyal dog. Foreigners, immigrants, and previous administrations did not force consumers, businesses, and government to gorge on unsustainable amounts of debt. Language, skin color, and dependence on foreign oil did not cause our problems. It was cats.

So, when the next State of the Union rolls around, we will not be listening. We prefer to sit at home and lick our privates.

Pugnacious Local Politician

While, as intelligent and influential bitches, we feel that sharing our insight adds significantly to the national political dialogue – we are unsure that our bark really makes a difference. While our parents encourage us to continue to write about national issues, we have become discouraged. Bo – the current First Dog – has begun to exercise a stranglehold on all doggie correspondence to those in power. And, while the Portuguese Water Dog is known for its spiritedness and intelligence, Bo has been corrupted by power. He doles out access only to bitches who raised money for the Obamas in 2008 (or wear a blue dress and beret to the oval dog house). We don’t meet either criteria. If you remember, Sammi was an ardent Clinton supporter – she really wanted to see a Bitch in the White House. Maggie is a Libertarian.

So, we’ve decided to sink our teeth into local politics. This has been no easy task, because the only thing we knew know about local politics is that our current Mayor, Tom Dolan, ran on the ‘mustache platform’. Because the mustache is simply a human version of dog whiskers, we wholeheartedly supported his candidacy.

Tom Dolan (With a cat?!)

Other local politicians, though, do not leave such a good impression. While his pug-like good looks at first reminded us of our friends Sasha and Scooter, Chris Buttars represents everything that is wrong with representative government. And, unlike his archetype Strom Thurmond, Representative Buttars refuses to change with the times.

Senator Buttars

A pug

For those of you who don’t know Mr. Buttars, he represents South and West Jordan in the Utah State Senate. We have always been suspicious of South Jordan – what type of community wouldn’t have a dog park?! When interviewed, Sasha and Scooter voiced an emphatic WOOF of disproval over the physical similarities.

The American Kennel Club states “[Pugs] are recognized for their even-tempers, playful personalities, and their outgoing, loving dispositions.”This hardly describes a man who claimed “Brown v. Board of Education is wrong to begin with,” and “This baby is black, I'll tell you. This is a dark, ugly thing.” Buttars, in a January 2009 interview, also said that gays and lesbians were "the greatest threat to America going down," comparing members of the LGBT community to radical muslims. "I believe they will destroy the foundation of the American society.”

Senator Buttars has obviously never even spent time with a dog because he cannot recognize that we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary process. In fact, this wizard of a scientist sponsored a bill in 2006 that would have teachers tell students evolution is a controversial theory and offer “Divine Design” as an alternative. Hey Senator Buttars – you obviously descended from a monkey!

The physical similarities are striking, though. “The head is large, massive, round–not apple-headed, with no indentation of the skull. The eyes are dark in color, very large, bold and prominent, globular in shape… The wrinkles are large and deep. The muzzle is short, blunt, square, but not upfaced.” The AKC really couldn’t have done a better job describing Mr. Buttars. It’s a shame when bad humans look like good dogs.

We urge the voters of West Jordan and South Jordan to represent themselves better! Stand up and show that you are not ignorant, racist, and backwards – help Chris Buttars retire. And while you’re at it, build a dog park!

Politics - Nancy Pelosi

Because we were bred for hunting, we are keen observers of our environment. Unfortunately, humans frown on bringing dead animals in from the yard, so we focus our rapier sharp skills on other activities

. And, because we are the most civic minded bitches at the dog park, we have been following politics with great interest. Here’s what we found: Nancy Pelosi is just like a Boston Terrier. Even your weak human eyes can see the similarities.

We know some very famous Boston Terriers, Roxy and Zion, who - when consulted - confirmed that Miss Pelosi is just the type of Bitch they would call their own. She has also been known to exhibit some strikingly dog-esque behavioral patterns. Compare her reaction to President Obama’s State of the Union address to the Boston Terrier JazzyLou’s reaction to seeing her toy in a bird bath. The similarities are striking.

Additionally, Speaker Pelosi’s dogged pursuit of President Obama’s healthcare legislation is just the type of behavior exhibited by the Boston Terrier. The American Kennel Club states (speaking of both the Boston Terrier and Nancy Pelosi) “they require only a moderate amount of exercise and a minimum amount of grooming. The breed is easy to train and they are easy keepers, preferring to remain by their owner’s sides.” This explains both Miss Pelosi’s look and her unwavering support of the President.

The similarities continue, “the dog conveys an impression of determination, strength and activity, with style of a high order; carriage easy and graceful. The thighs are strong and well muscled, bent at the stifles and set true. The hocks are short to the feet, turning neither in nor out, with a well defined hock joint. The feet are small and compact with short nails.” A perfect description if we’ve ever heard one.

As the most powerful Bitch in Congress, we have immense respect for Speaker Pelosi, although Maggie has never agreed with her worldview. And we imagine that, like the Boston Terrier, in person she would be friendly and lively - which makes her an incomparable companion!

Book - Sustainable Energy Without the Hot Air by David MacKay

Sammi, having a particularly powerful social conscience, was deeply affected by the specter of Climate Change after watching An Inconvenient Truth last year. Maggie, however, was a climate change skeptic. On Sammi’s recommendation, though, Maggie accepted President Obama’s invitation to join him at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.

Those world leaders – so selfless. The courage of these ordinary politicians inspired us to chew on little bit thicker book than usual; Sustainable Energy – Without the Hot Air by David JC MacKay.

David MacKay is a scientist (the odd breed of human that describes our mother), so his book begins with a data intensive chapter on historic emissions of Co2, and a quick review of the science behind global warming. While we typically enjoy books that reinforce our world view, it was refreshing to read a book that laid all biases and assumptions out for the reader to review. The remainder of the book explores sustainable energy sources in the UK and weighs their potential against current energy consumption. This book is good, and is the first thing that we have read to make some sense out of a highly emotional debate.

We don’t want to give it away, but even highly evolved blogger bitches like us consume far less energy than even the smelliest of our daddy’s telemarking friends. For any of you who care about the earth at all, we recommend an immediate policy change to support dog ownership. This policy cannot be too ambitious. Specifics could include lifting the federal tax credit for children, creating universal doggie day care as part of the national health care plan, and providing free table scraps for all. Also, while Congress is making this change, it would be nice to exempt dogs from airport security – we don’t wear underpants.

Enjoy your weekend, and don’t forget to thank the next dog you see for their role in saving the Earth. A vigorous belly rub will do.

The Bitches

New Year; New You

After running in circles for three hours today, we realized we haven’t posted for a very long time. Although catching your stub/tail is a lofty goal, we know our status as mildly celebrated bitch bloggers requires more dedication. We also know that “holiday” is just code for spending hours in the basement to lick, watch tv, read, scratch, and blog.

During the last few months a lot has happened in our world. Maggie had a cancer scare and numerous health problems due to a particularly awful 'bumor' (butt tumor). This has significantly changed our perspective on the current healthcare debate being held by those bitches in Washington, but more on that later.

Sammi has become even more neurotic, and has fallen in love with the dog fashion selections available at Old Navy.

But none of these events match up to the most heinous of acts committed by our parents this weekend, which more than anything else, drove us to blogg about the injustice of our lives.

They are attempting to control us using Cesar's patented Doggy Manipulation and Cruelty techniques. We are hard-headed bitches with minds of our own. We reserve the right to pull on our leashes, growl at the terrier down the street, and most of all, bark viciously at that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, our mail carrier. Luckily our parents left the computer on yesterday and we were able to do a little research on this Cesar character. Cesar is obviously evil - even at the normally tender age of 13, he publicly declared his intention to be the best dog trainer in the world. I'm drooling just thinking about biting his bitter, tender flesh. Also, Mr. Millan illegally crossed the US border in 1990.

Maggie, being a libertarian, has tended to agree with our current President - "America has nothing to fear from today's immigrants." And "America can only prosper when all Americans prosper--brown, black, white, Asian, and Native American." Well, Maggie, looks like Cesar's trying to keep you down -- and you're BROWN! We have everything to fear.

We will be posting our complete review on Cesar's book shortly - and will demonstrate that such powerful whispering techniques can work on humans too.

Have a fantastic New Year, and feel free to send any suggestions for media to review!

The Bitches

Politics: Finally, The First Dog!

President Obama has finally fulfilled one of our greatest hopes of the campaign, he has gotten a puppy for the White House! He may be destroying what's left of our country's economy, in which case anything else that he does will become lost in the fray, but he did get a dog, and we're happy about that. (See our original post on the first dog here, and the follow-up post here.)

Bo (né Charlie) is a Portuguese Water Dog given to the Obamas by the Keneddys. He was born on October 9, 2008 (making him a Libra, for those that care), and is reported to know a few basic commands already. He has met the family without incident (or potty accident!) and he is preparing to move in post-haste. Hurrah!


Quick vote: We're very disappointed that the First Dog is a male. When will we see a bitch in the White House?! But we're also relieved that we can count on our species being well represented in our nations governing.

Aunt Izzie's Whiz-ord: What happened to the Labradoodles? Those Obamas are foo's! I can't believe this. I've got to go chew on something...

Politics: The First Dog (Part II)

As the inauguration of our new president quickly approaches, the first family has been focusing on the most important matter, what will they get for their first dog? The options have been narrowed down to two, the Labradoodle, or the Portuguese Water Dog. We consider this such an important issue that we will give our recommendation a second time, with these revised options.

Maggie: I have met a few Labradoodles at our local dog park, and what a hoot those guys are! No seriously, I'm a lab mix myself and I have to wholly endorse any lab/poodle mix. Labradoodles seems to take on the best attributes of the two breeds, while simultaneously diluting out any genetic problems that might be compounded by inbreeding. They are excellent with children, loyal, easy to train, active, and lovable. Our Aunt Izzie is a relative of the Labradoodle, the Golden Doodle (A golden retriever/poodle mix), and she has an excellent temperment, great manners, and loves to play! These dogs don't shed, which would be a great plus for Malia's allergies. Portuguese Water Dogs need a lot of time and dedication to train them, or else they become destructive. The Obama family is sure to be quite distracted, and I don't want a doggie to destroy the White House and then the rest of us be punished by harsh anti-doggie legislation. I won't let it happen! As loyal as they are, a labradoodle puppy is sure to agree politically with the family, and then intelligently defend their positions to other doggies around the world. This is an excellent choice!

Sammi: What Maggie is not telling you is that Labradoodles are an unpredictable breed. The Obamas could end up with an excellent dog, or they could end up with an unholy terror; that's just the risk that you take mixing two very different breeds. I think that the Obamas should stick with the tried and true, the Portuguese Water Dog. Barack himself has a foreign background, and he would relate well to the Portuguese breed. These dogs are working dogs, great companions, easily trained, and enjoy being petted. A dog of this breed would be perfect for the Obamas, they could train it to pull things around the White House, and it would be content to sit, eagerly awaiting a command, through long meetings or cross-country flights. Also, that reflecting pool in front of the George Washington Monument would make an excellent swimming pool. Since the breed is great at learning and working, perhaps the puppy could pick up some secretarial or note-taking work around the office, saving the taxpayers from having to hire someone! Look at that face, how could you say no to it?!


Quick vote: Regardless of the breed that the Obamas finally settle on, what's really important is that there is a first dog to advocate for canine rights all over the country, and that said dog is a bitch!

Politics: The First Dog

Barack Obama has been elected president of the United States, and now it's essential to get down to what really matters in the White House, the first dog! Obama promised his daughters Malia and Natasha, that when he got elected president (There goes that positive thinking! That must be why he won.) he would let them get a puppy. Here is where we step in to give our recommendations. We know that Malia has dog allergies, so the puppy must be hypoallergenic. The girls expressed some interest in a Goldendoodle (like our Aunt Izzie), but we have some better recommendations...

Sammi: For a young, intelligent family there can be no better choice than the Airedale terrier. These dogs are intelligent, strong-willed, and have a great sense of humor. They are loyal to their masters, and independent thinkers. If the Obamas adopted an Airedale puppy, they would be assured of a loyal companion for life, but one that could decide for herself on the political decisions of the moment. For a young smart family, an Airedale is a perfect choice for a defender and companion. These dogs are fearless and are used in big game hunting, including bears and cougars, because they won't back down. There are even stories of Airedales standing up to bears to protect their masters, and the Obamas could really use this fearlessness in a harshly bipartisian climate. An Airedale would protect those girls from Christian right-wingers protesting in front of the White House.

Maggie: For a family living in the White House and traveling all the time, they need a small dog to accompany the girls on long trips. I recommend the Chinese Crested dogs, which never break ten pounds. These dogs are small, affectionate, and playful. The young girls will enjoy babying this eternal puppy, especially dressing her in clothes in the cold D.C. climate as she has very little fur. Additionally, these dogs are known as champions in the annual 'Ugly Dog Competition,' and I know how much this family loves winning things they have no background in! Finally, with hardly any hair, this is one of the most hypoallergenic breeds possible.


Quick vote: Regardless of what kind of dog the Obamas adopt, it needs to be a bitch, and they need to get it soon so it will be potty-trained by the time they move into the White House. How embarrassing would that be for a puppy to soil the Presidential suite?!

Election Results

Well the results are in.  Obama won, gay marriage in California lost, and in Salt Lake City, Hogle Zoo is getting 33 million dollars to build better habitats for the polar bears and African animals.  Oh, and sadly enough, Super Dell lost!

We won some and we lost some, so supposedly, we'll have to put our stamp of approval on the whole thing.  After all, that's what elections are all about!

Quick vote: Thanks everyone that voted.  We'll see you next year!

Politics: Election 2008

The election is finally, nearly, almost over, thank goodness! (Cue 'Hail to the Chief') We are here to make one last effort to convince you who to vote for, and to get all of our readers to the polls!

Sammi: How many times do I have to tell you that Obama is the candidate for all good canines and dog-lovers out there?! Obama wants to create a health care plan that would cover all uninsured peoples, and I'm sure that includes doggies. He wants to get the troops out of Iraq and home to their family and pets. And finally, how can you not vote for a candidate that dances like this?!

Maggie: Obama-Shmobama, John McCain is the only candidate for the intelligent canine. He's planning on eliminating wasteful government spending (whatever that means), and giving tax-breaks for middle-class, rather than hosing the upper-class like Obama plans on. We're not in the upper-class yet, but we plan on making the transition after our memoir gets a movie deal... And let's be honest, don't we all want this traipsing about the white house instead of this???


Quick vote: Everybody go out and vote so we can finally get this thing over with!

Politics: Utah Governor

I'm sure that you all remember 'Totally Awesome Computers' and it's follower, 'Totally Awesome Guns & Ammo.' If you recall, the annoying owner's name was Super Dell, and he is now running for governor in the state of Utah. And if elected, he promises to change the state name to 'Totally Awesome Snow & Polygamists!' Not really, but some things almost as ridiculous. Here's a candidate we could really sink our teeth into!

He's running under the libertarian party, but he seems to share none of their political opinions and merely needed to be affiliated with a specific party. You can learn more about his principles and platforms by visiting his website. We've found a few morsels for you to enjoy:

"Obama and Huntsman will brutally murder children. Do you think they follow God? Are you completely insane??? 16,000 abortions were performed during Huntsman’s term. You think he is against abortion???? Email this to everyone you know because the TV stations refused to run my ads. That’s right the totally socialist media doesn’t want you to know I am running. I was not allowed in the debate either. Your freedoms are being destroyed by a socialist system."
--YOU ARE FIRED IF YOU VOTE FOR HUNTSMAN OR OBAMA

"“As ye keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land”. God told me personally that if we end abortion we will be able to discover and use the unlimited supply of oil right here in Utah....First keep the commandments, and then we will indeed prosper in the land. It is both a promise from God and a promise from SUPERDELL."
--The 3 Top Issues and Who SUPERDELL Really Is


Quick vote: It's a relief for us to be able to agree on something politically, but I think we are both in agreement that SUPERDELL is awesome. Hopefully, he will keep running over and over again, because we have gotten a lot of laughs from his blog!