The Bitches of Judgment

Music: The Black Keys - Brothers

2011-01-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

We consider ourselves bitches with some funk and soul. Sammi's background is more WASPB-y (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Bitch), but Maggie has roots in R&B, she is brown after all. So we were pleased to find an album that gets our tails twitching and our paws snapping.

The Black Keys have really created an incredible album with 'Brothers.' The music is a great mixture of blues, rock, electronica, and awesome. Many 'Best Albums of 2010' have included it in their numbers (including Spin, Rolling Stone, and Amazon). We love every song on this album, which is rare for a band to pull off.

In a world filled with crappy music, it's great to hear something that is quite as awesome with such a stellar list as 'Brothers.' And if you still need more coercing, there's a song called "Howlin' For You" that seemed especially written for us. Check it out wherever you get your tunes!

Best of 2010

2011-01-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

Loyal readers! Like a border collie with a thrown frisbee, we have returned to you with our tails between our legs. We're sorry that it's been so long since we have blogged! We have been busy being big sisters, teaching our little sister Olivia the importance of licking yourself and others. She always seems to have something delicious oozing out of her mouth and doesn't mind our tongues, so it's a win-win!

Sammi and Olivia cuddling, no one appreciates a full-body hug like Sammi does!

During 2010, our mother kept a spreadsheet documenting the books she read for a full year. She had a goal to read 100 books, and fell one book shy of reaching the goad - 99 books completed in 2010! She recorded a bit of information about each book, e.g. genre, medium type, letter grade. Here are some of our favorite stats from her year of reading:

Total Books Read: 99

2010 Book Goal: 100

2011 Book Goal: 109 (10% increase)

Fiction Books: 71

Nonfiction Books: 28

Average Books Read Per Month: 8.25

High Month: May (15 books - she went to Europe for a couple of weeks)
Low Months: February, March, June, August (6 books each)

Books Divided by Rating:

A's - 25
B's - 49
C's - 20
D's - 4
F's - 1

Genres with Largest Representation:

Mystery (11 Books)
Fantasy (9 Books)
Historical Fiction (8 Books)
Memoir (7 Books)

We'll give a quick review of our favorites of her favorites here:

Favorite Self-Help of 2010: 'The Happiness Project' by Gretchen Rubin

We literally don't know anyone who wouldn't benefit from reading this book. Rubin offers practical advice on enjoying your everyday with the simplest of changes that are universally applicable. We're probably going to read this book every year, it's that good!

Not honored: 'Cesar's Way' by Cesar Millan

Favorite Mystery of 2010: 'The Likeness' by Tana French

We really like mystery novels, they get our tails wagging, and Tana French is a great author. This book is fun, interesting, and keeps you guessing at the murderer's identity until the very end.

Honorable Mention: 'The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie' by Alan Bradley

Favorite Science Fiction of 2010: 'The Passage' by Justin Cronin

What an excellent book! This book reminds us of a mash-up of 'World War Z,' 'The Stand,' and 'The Walking Dead'- yes we know, not a book. This book is a vampire tale, an apocalyptic look at the world, and to top it off it's well written. -- Beware however, this long book is the beginning of a trilogy, don't plan on it to resolve pleasantly at the end.

Honorable Mention: 'The Unincorporated Man' by Dani Kollin and Eytan Kollin

Favorite Literature of 2010: 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett

A rare finding - this book deserves the hype. We were drooling for more as we read about the black maids of the 1950's waiting on their Southern white employers. We were surprised to hear about the discrimination facing African Americans not so long ago. Maggie is especially sensitive, being a minority herself!

Honorable Mention: 'Room' by Emma Donoghue -- WARNING: Not for the faint of heart.

Favorite Memoir of 2010: 'Shattered Dreams' by Irene Spencer

This is the story of a modern polygamist and her struggle to be one of ten wives. We recommend this to anyone who is interested in polygamy, which we definitely are. Perhaps it's because of our neighbors (real polygamists), or maybe because it's a fascinating lifestyle with local roots. Or perhaps it's because as sisters, we can see ourselves shacking up with the same stud to avoid having to live apart.

Honorable Mention: 'Unbearable Lightness' by Portia de Rossi - A memoir of anorexia.

Favorite Nonfiction of 2010: 'The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks' by Rebecca Skloot

The origin story of science's infamous HeLa cells and the woman behind the world's first immortal human cell line. This book dives into poverty, bioethics, science, and is altogether awesome. We are quite knowledgable in scientific matters, but this knowledge was not needed for the enjoyment of this book.

Honorable Mention: 'The Dead Hand' by David Hoffman - Recently declassified information about the Cold War that will chill you to the tail.

Well, that's it for 2010! We look forward to regular posting again, but don't get too mad at us if we forget to post. We're very busy biting our tails, eating snow, and constantly keeping a vigilant guard against that most vicious of enemies - THE MAILMAN.

Hobbies - breaking the law

2010-04-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

After a long winter of watching television and licking ourselves, we decided to follow our dad to Moab for some biking. Promise of a bike ride on our local trail network makes us salivate with anticipation, but a trip to Moab makes us chase our tails at full speed.

Our trip began wonderfully with a shakeout ride on Amasa Back and down the Rock Stacker trail. Then, after our afternoon ride on Baby Steps, we decided to attempt the 'trail that must not be named.' That's right, an illegal trail! Fortunately, the Bureau of Land Management is taking care of our public lands by prohibiting bikers (and their dogs) from riding on sandstone. We assume their scientist found that skinny rubber tires cause way more damage than the sheep grazing they subsidize on our public lands. Come to think of it, we would love to chase some of those sheep down....

In fact, the sheep had us so worked up that we ignored each of the 20 area closed signs as we dashed onto the un-mentionable trail. The trail led us along the edge of a huge cliff and treated us to some fantastic technical and exposed riding. In fact, the views, flow, and fun of the trail may give it the title of the best trail in Moab. We wish we could share the name of this trail (or offer a picture), but - despite the likeness of many politicians to dogs - the Federal Government does not treat law breaking canines very kindly. But hey - we pay taxes! We pay for public schools even though they will not accept puppies. It's time to fight back. We urge dogs and humans to unite, find this trail, and ride it over and over again - it will make even the most invisible human tails wag with delight. And - if you happen to run into us at the dog park - we may give you directions to the trailhead...

Apps: Hipstamatic

2010-04-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

We love our parents' iPhones! We are constantly on the watch for the newest and greatest apps to play with. Our new favorite, is the Hipstamatic app, and we've been playing with it as much as possible! We even told our mother about it, and she used it on her trip to Boston more than other standard cameras available.

Their tagline is, 'Digital Photography Never Looked so Analog.' The app uses the iPhone's 2mp camera and applies film, flash, and lens macros to take really awesome pictures on the go.

The app is $1.99, but it's totally worth it! There are other films and lenses available for purchase, but we've been very satisfied with the standard equipment and haven't felt the need to augment them.

We are in love with this app, and we think that you will fall in love with it as well! Now we will have a camera handy to take pictures of the cats and quail that sit in our yard to taunt and annoy us!

Book: Wicked Plants by Amy Stewart

2010-04-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

We are getting excited for Spring to come, and are honing in our outdoor skills. Though dogs are born with certain innate senses, it helps for us to refresh our botany, orienteering, and sniffing skills so that when Spring comes, we can never get lost on accident. Last fall, Sammi got 'lost,' and conveniently ended up with a bunch of pot-smoking hippies who fed her some funny brownies. We're sure you can understand the benefits.

So we picked up the book, 'Wicked Plants: The Weed that Killed Lincoln's Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities.' First of all, that's an excellent title, one that we can really sink our teeth into. Secondly, this book is thrilling!

The book divides the plants up into varying sections depending on their attack mode (i.e. poisonous, carnivorous, flammable, projectiles) and then details the plant species' specific 'atrocities.' When possible, the author includes an anecdote about famous run-ins with the plant.

Now, when we head out into the wilderness, we will know which plants will hurt our tummies when eaten, which plants will stick to our fur, and which seeds and berries we can carefully transport home to leave for the unsuspecting quail that plague our front yard.

Fending for Ourselves - Doga

2010-04-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

Our mom has been out of town for most of the week, so we are forced to take care of our dad who is helpless like a kitten on a roof without our constant domestic help. In order to deal with the stress of taking care of an adult human, we have begun doga - the dog form of yoga. We have been skeptical of yoga for a long time - we don't need to limber up before taking down an evil bird - but a recent article in the New York Times convinced us to try.

Aside from the spiritual aspects - 'namaste' is a really hard word to bark - we love yoga. And how can you fault an exercise with a pose call downward facing dog? We were honored by this homage.

We recommend yoga for all of our human readers who enjoy any combination of strength training, stretching, relaxation, or hot bitches in tight clothes! And please - take your dogs.

Lookalike - Jesse Jackson

2010-04-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

For all of you readers who were concerned about our newfound love for cats last week - April Fools! We couldn't help but get caught up in the spirit of such a wonderful holiday. Rest assured, though, we terrorized the neighborhood cats all day on April 2nd to make up for it.

We heard (through the great barking chain of course) that our friend Echo - a beautiful, black standard poodle - is upset about never being featured on the blog. In fact, there was some speculation on Echo's part about being excluded due to her color. Being a minority herself, Maggie is very familiar with discrimination and reached out to her close, personal friend Jesse Jackson to understand how to best deal with these allegations. Then it hit us! Echo and Jesse Jackson could be twins!

We often stay at Echo's house while our parents are out having fun without us (we know they are having fun because they often come home smelling like food - why don't they take us?!). During these forced displacements we find the atmosphere oppressive. While we know how to bully Echo's mom into opening the treat cupboard on demand, Echo's other mom practices a particularly effective form of Cesar Milan's doggie mind control. We found this environment oppressive until Echo showed us the path to freedom - the doggie door!

Like Echo, Jesse Jackson has been trying to lead oppressed minorities to a better place. At least if you don't count American Jews or black-turned-President Obama as minorities. During his 1984 Presidential campaign Jackson remarked "four out of five [of Nixon's top advisors] are German Jews and their priorities are on Europe and Asia"; that he was "sick and tired of hearing about the Holocaust"; and that there are "very few Jewish reporters that have the capacity to be objective about Arab affairs." Oops - we wonder why his campaign floundered. Jackson also criticized then-Senator Barack Obama for "acting White" and later, in 2008, was caught on tape saying "see, Barack's been, ahh, talking down to black people on this faith-based... I want to cut his nuts out." We dogs know something about having nuts cut out; this is not an appropriate punishment for holding unpopular political views. While, on the other hand, we completely understand hatred for one particular race - cats. Like Jackson, Echo has been known to help dogs find freedom while harboring secret dreams of cornering a cat and shaking it by the neck like a brand new squeak toy.

Speaking of the Poodle, the AKC says it is an "intelligent and elegant-appearing dog, squarely built, well proportioned, moving soundly and carrying himself proudly. Properly clipped in the traditional fashion and carefully groomed, the Poodle has about him an air of distinction and dignity peculiar to himself." Due to the particular physiology shared by Jackson and the standard poodle, Jackson has been able to hold his head proudly despite numerous affairs and a very public love-child (something we, as bitches, would never feel ashamed of!). From the AKC, the Poodle's (and Jackson's) "neck [is] well proportioned, strong and long enough to permit the head to be carried high and with dignity. Skin snug at throat. The neck rises from strong, smoothly muscled shoulders." A well clipped Jackson certainly fits the profile of a standard Poodle.

We urge Echo to continue her errand of showing bitches everywhere the doggie door of emancipation while holding her head up high. As Jackson has demonstrated so capably, her Poodle physiology means she can continue to hold her own prejudiced beliefs and philander, while remaining a respected leader in the fight against dog whispering! We urge all of our readers to reach out and pet the first poodle you see as a sign of respect, even if it is Jesse Jackson!

Felinity Divinity

2010-04-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

We ofttimes put on a canine face and feign disgust, but tonight we have to make a confession. We have hid the truth for so long, hid behind years of prejudice, but we are ready to come into the light. We love cats!

Cats are extremely beautiful and noble creatures. Their delicate lines and long tails remind us of the beautiful ballerinas we saw at Swan Lake. We long to be like them. Sammi spends hours licking her boobies not unlike a cat licking itself. Even the way they cough up furballs is admirable, what's the point in trying to digest your own hairs?

Cats and dogs have spent millennia pretending to hate each other. Their false enmity has kept humans at bay, while felines and canines have teamed up and are planning on taking the world by storm.

We feel that it's okay to finally exposed the plan because it's too late to stop us. Together dogs and cats will overcome the world!

Music - Them Crooked Vultures

2010-03-31T06:20:00.000-07:00

We know we are cultured bitches. Do you know any other dogs who have been to Swan Lake and didn't actually bring down one of the swan-like ballerinas? While our true nature is subdued and timid, we are occasionally whipped into a frenzy by the daytime tv judges** whose shows we so enjoy.*

*This is why some of our readers, those of you who have seen us in our natural habitat, have been surprised by our explosive energy after a long day in the basement.

**There has also been some controversy recently as to Maggie's pedigree. We are suspicious that Judge Joe Brown may be her father. See the photo below for evidence:

When we give in to our rambunctious nature, we crave rock and roll music - the kind that our dad likes to listen to in the car. Unfortunately, most of today's rock music is more suited for felines than discriminating canines (have you ever had to endure Fallout Boy?!). It was with great relish that we stumbled on the debut album of Them Crooked Vultures.

The Vultures include John Paul Jones (a la Led Zeppelin), Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters), and Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age). So, not only does this group rock, these bitches have a pedigree backed up with some seriously credible papers.

These rockers bring the best from their respective projects into one bitchin' group. We call Them Crooked Vultures AKC approved! (Awesome Kanine Club)

Music - She & Him

2010-03-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

We first heard Zooey Deschanel singing in the movie Elf where she plays the ingenue aside Will Ferrell. So when 'Volume One,' an album created by Zooey and M. Ward, came out in 2008 we picked it up immediately. We were not disappointed by the duo who coined themselves She & Him and were excited to see 'Volume Two' come out.

The music of She & Him in one word, is honest. With modern music, it's standard to hide the singer's voice with synthesizers and heavy strumming of simplistic major chords. We bitches are not fooled by these obfuscations. So when we hear an album that is clean-sounding with chords and lyrics that ring true, we are pleased with the results.

Now don't get us wrong. This is not an incredible album that you'll be tapping your paws to for years to come. But it's a great collection of music, with Volume Two taking a more mature and focused tone than Volume One. We'll enjoy listening to it, especially while we're busy doing something else like plotting to take over the world or licking our boobies. And for another thing, why aren't there more dog parks included in Obama's new Healthcare plan???

Snuggies!

2010-03-24T06:42:00.000-07:00

We watch a lot of daytime television, and so are exposed to breakthrough new products all the time. We are experts on the ShamWow, and our father recently had to close out our QVC charge account. However, no television product is as revolutionary and as useful as the Snuggie!

The Snuggie is the most popular of the 'Sleeved Blanket' line of products. (First marketed as the Freedom Blanket!) A miraculous invention, the Snuggie allows the wearer to live their normal lives while remaining warm from a blanket. The only thing keeping millions of

Americans from living their lives to their fullest was hands trapped under blankets. Look no more, America, Snuggie is here!

Our father loves his Snuggie, and often goes about with it belted around his waist as if he's a holy pink-fleeced monk. So imagine our pleasure and surprise when we were given the ultimate gift, the Dog Snuggie! The Dog Snuggie takes all the features that humans love, and adds a few that dogs love too! The velcro attachments make it usable by our tall and fluffy Aunt Izzy (Golden Doodle) and our short and pudgy Aunt Annie (Springer Spaniel)! Also, the pink color accentuates our femininity.

So until the snow melts from the mountaintops and our basement dwelling warms up, just know that as we read, watch tv, and blog; we'll be warm and cozy thanks to the Dog Snuggie.

Book: The Mystery of Capital

2010-03-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

After spending a few days watching Judge Judy while our parents were at work, we decided to sink our teeth into something with more substance. No, we're not talking about birds. Our parents - while they claim to care for us - will not allow prey in the house. We wanted topical substance, so we turned to development economics.

We have long been following the plight of the intelligent, yet unfortunate, Moscow street dogs (and here) but have never understood why simple things like bitch friendly bluetooth keyboards are beyond their reach. Hernando de Soto provides an interesting answer in his book The Mystery of Capital.

De Soto posits that, while capitalism has spread like wildfire during the past twenty years, systems for tracking, transferring, and legitimizing capital have not developed. This means that capitalism only operates for a small section of the world's population - those who already had capital. Most of the world's wealth, in fact, is held in informal sectors and most of the world's businesses are informal. De Soto and his students attempt to open legally recognized businesses around the world and find that the process is so fraught with expense, uncertainty, and hassle that entrepreneurs are not able to bear the burden. So, the shop owner in the Haitian slum - to use one of the book's most timely examples - can never leverage their assets to provide capital for a business.

We like de Soto - his respect for the intelligence and spirit of the world's poor is infectious. Like westerners who ascribe third world poverty simply to 'cultural differences' - a euphemism for 'they are not as smart as us' - canine potential is also grossly misunderstood. You would be surprised how many other bitch bloggers are out there using a pseudonym to avoid uncomfortable comparisons of intelligence with their dull-witted human owners.

If you have always wondered why a Moscow street dog - who can learn to commute into town on the metro - cannot have access to simple blogging tools, or why a Filipino - who can rebuild after a slum fire destroys their home and business - can never break the cycle of poverty; you should read The Mystery of Capital. De Soto offers substantive policy prescriptions while avoiding the trap of calling for more foreign direct investment or blaming 'culture.' Mr. de Soto, we salute you (or at least we would if we had hands).

Activities - Jazz Game!

2010-03-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

This week, we got off the couch and ran the two blocks to the Trax station. There we pretended to be humans and snuck on board. Humans are so self-centered they often don't see what's right in front of them! Either that or the humans that take Trax are routinely brown and grey colored, quite hairy, and with floppy ears. We arrived 45 minutes later at the Energy Solutions Arena where we watched the Utah Jazz destroy the Washington Wizards.

We watch many sports during the days, but they are usually lower key sports like golf or bowling or tv court; so it was nice to see some basketball, and in person. Or rather, in dog. We loved the game and enjoyed barking at the ridiculous Wizard players, but of course we found a few flaws in the system.

Most notably, why is the mascot of the Utah Jazz a bear? We think that a dog would make a highly superior mascot. Here are a few facts to back up our claim.

Fact: Humans hate bears. They are disturbing and routinely raid picnic baskets. Humans love dogs.

Fact: Bears are less intimidating that dogs.

Fact: Sammi looks much better in clothes than the Jazz Bear.

Fact: Dogs are much better basketball players than bears.

A Jazz dog would be much more awe-inspiring than a Jazz bear.

This is a picture we took of the game from our seats to prove how excellent our seats were. Seriously though, there were only ten rows behind us! If you are up on your dog psychology, you will remember that the most alpha dog sits with his head the highest. There were only a few drunk fatties and a group of teeny-boppers that were more dominant than us. Excellent!

Local politics - teenage terrors!

2010-03-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

We - the world's pre-eminent bitch judges - typically howl in support of political dialogue. So, it was with great regret, that we read about a neighboring city whose Council didn't even need Super Dell Schanze to make decisions a bitch in heat would regret.

After a speech at the State Capital by former NYC Mayor Guliani, during the Q&A session, a member of the Orem Youth City Council had the audacity to ask a question! Even worse, the question came from a book! And the worst part? The book was Freakonomics - a title that may or may not cause teenagers to get freaky! We are growling just thinking that a modern teenager would read a thought provoking book instead of updating his Facebook status. More specifically, Stevie confronted Guliani with the author's contention that legalized abortion - not the Mayor's celebrated crime fighting policies - were behind NYC's renaissance. Orem City agrees with us. We all feel that Stevie should have been at home telling his Facebook friends about his latest Farmville achievement, not attending a political speech. In fact, Orem City felt so strongly that it immediately removed Stevie from the Youth City Council for asking his question.

The city attorney, Paul Johnson, used razor sharp legal reasoning to explain why Stevie was expelled from the Youth City Council in his letter of dismissal. Johnson states:

"before we left in the bus for the capital, I admonished everyone to stay together. I gave the warning particularly because I was worried based on past experience that you, Derek and Nick would go off on your own. And that is exactly what you did. Then during Dale Murphy's speech, you three continuously talked among yourselves in a manner that made it harder for everyone else to listen to him... Yours is not the attitude that we want on the Youth City Council. I'm sorry that this has happened and I hope that you can learn something from it."

We couldn't figure out if this was dialogue from a really boring episode of Gossip Girl - you know, the one where Blake Lively decides to get involved in student government - or if the text was actually written by someone older than 17. I hope that Mr. Johnson also told Stevie that he couldn't sit at his lunch table.... Second, don't they teach writing in law school? As lovers of good writing, we recommend Volokh's classic Academic Legal Writing to our attorney friend - he may find it helpful in convincing others that his diploma didn't come from a mail order catalogue or that he learned to speak and write while being raised by monkeys in the Amazon.

The real meat of the Orem Department of Legal Service's letter, though, was that Stevie "used [his] membership on the Youth City Council to advance [his] own agenda, and ended up embarrassing the City and government." What?! To think that a teenager, involved in politics, would ever think of his own agenda is disappointing. It's more likely that his heroes - amazing men and women like Barak Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and George W. Bush - have taught him selflessness through their examples. I bet that the Orem City Council never has an agenda either - I can't imagine where Stevie got the idea that it's ok to have an agenda as a politician. His parents must be truly awful humans and perhaps are using drugs as we click away at the keys with our long nails - it seems to be the only explanation for his behavior.

Even worse, how could you embarrass the "City and the government" Stevie? Didn't you know that governments have feelings too?

We recommend that all cities immediately ban reading and thoughtful deliberation by teenagers. We also recommend that any book on dog obedience, training, or whispering be burned. Only once our cities have protected us, can we all listen to our homegrown heroes - the politicians - regale us with unbiased, non-agenda stories that warm even the coldest hearts. And, in closing, we echo Mr. Johnson's sentiment. We hope you've learned something important Stevie!

Twitter Account

2010-03-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

As dogs, we are big fans of short prose. A human would have to use the lengthy phrase, "Hey mailman, if you don't get the hell off of our porch and stop endangering our humans, we will rip the intestines from your body via your butt-hole." Whereas, a well-emphasized bark or two will convey the exact same message. We say, "Orrrunghhh," whereas our father would say, "I need to go outside and relieve the pressure on my bladder! I shouldn't have had that fourth non-alcoholic beer..."

So when we heard about the concept of Twitter, we were very excited. What a great way for us to communicate in short bursts, and another way for you, our loyal readers, to follow us on the internets! So we created a Twitter account this evening, our username is judgmentbitches and you can see our profile here.

Already, Twitter is teaching us about other injustices endured by dogs around the world. Twitter linked us to this blog post about a poor Weimaraner subjected to humiliating rabbit ears. Obviously dog ears are much better for hunting and killing, stupid humans!

Exercise -- running on the treadmill

2010-03-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

While technically domesticated, every bitch has a wild streak. We love being outside - even just in the yard. Chasing cats, swimming after ducks, running wildly down a mountainside with a long stick in our mouth, or jumping on unsuspecting neighborhood children when they wander too close to our perimeter (must protect our weak human parents!) make us drool with anticipatory joy.

During the long, cold winter - though - we don't get to do anything fun. This is largely due to the fact that cats (yes, cats) designed the land use policy for our local national forest. So, while our parents go skiing, we sit in the basement and drag our butts across the floor waiting for them to return - even Oprah is beginning to feel stale. Although our writing is bold and powerful, we have - until today - been terrified of the human torture devices in the basement.

As the winter drags on our parent use their "treadmill", "trainer" (i.e. fancy bike stand/home decoration), and "weights" less frequently and with increasing despondence. After a pack of wild yet tiny dogs started terrorizing our nightly walk, we needed an outlet for our excess energy so we put on our running booties and limbered up.

**As a side note, we would love to neuter these tiny but ferocious stud dogs with our sharp angry teeth but our parents - with the help of the insipid Milan guidebook - will not allow us to protect them from these dangerous animals.

***As another side note, we have nothing against tiny dogs - one of our favorite bitch commenters happens to be a maltese - we just hate these tiny dogs. During our last walk, the black one tried to bite us both. If it wasn't for dog whispering we would have batted it around fiercely before administering some harsh canine justice.

It was with great trepidation that we used the treadmill, trainer, and weights.

Why do humans do this to themselves?! You get all the obnoxiousness of exercise (panting, soreness, exhaustion) without any of the fun - although we suspect that Nancy Pelosi's superhuman jumping strength was built using these kinds of machines. To all our human readers - go outside AND TAKE YOUR DOGS WITH YOU! Neither human nor bitch should suffer the torture of treadmills any longer. We look forward to blogging about this spring's adventures and hope every dog finds a carcass, large stick, or fetid body of water to wash away winter's gloom.

Book: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

2010-03-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

We are avid learners, and Sammi recently received a B.S. (Bitch of Science) from the University of Canine Learners of America (UCLA). Maggie is working on her M.B.A. (Master Bitch of Ass-smelling), she's just completing her thesis about uppity humoid dogs who don't expose their nethers to strangers. She's using her Aunt Annie as a case study.

This is Chester, the first dog to earn an MBA!

We try to keep up with the latest in Dog Science and Canine Nature, and keep our skills sharp and relevant. Several of these periodicals pointed us to the book 'The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks' by Rebecca Skloot. We downloaded it on our mother's Kindle faster than you can say 'deoxyribonucleic acid!'

Any scientifically educated bitch is familiar with Hela cells, the first immortal cell line. In laboratory training, every student grows and kills millions of these cells in developing culturing skills. These cells are frequently used as precursors to animal and then human testing, and have been used in developing new vaccines, medications, cosmetics, cancer therapies, and more. Without Hela cells, modern science would be vastly different.

But what are Hela cells? This book takes one through the life of Henrietta Lacks, a black woman in the South in 1951 who is diagnosed with agressive cervical cancer. Tumor cells were harvested without her knowledge, and then cultivated to create Hela cells (from the first two letters of her names). The book explores race relations, the history of cell culturing, the life of a woman who's had an incredible impact on the world, and the bioethics surrounding tissue ownership.

The book did get repetitive, especially when Henrietta's descendants constantly complained about their lack of health insurance. We don't have health insurance, and we're doing just fine! Overall however, we thought it was a great read. Skloot (Ha! Humans have funny last names.) has done her research, and this book leaves you with something to think about as you chew on your phantom tail. Tail-docking is a terrible practice...

Politics - Governor David Paterson

2010-03-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

While we typically follow political scandal like a cat with a ball of yarn, we do not understand the furor over ‘troopergate’. We knew we liked New York Governor David Paterson the first time we laid eyes on his rich luxurious coloring, small eyes, and large powerful jowls. He looks just like a Bloodhound!

Watching Best in Show always reminds us that the Bloodhound is an amazing animal. It has been European man’s domesticated partner since before the Crusades when the first specimens were brought from Constantinople. We also admire the North American Bloodhound’s tireless support for law enforcement.

Last month, Governor Paterson was charged with witness tampering in a domestic violence case against staffer David W. Johnson. Allegedly, Governor Paterson had the New York State Police persuade the woman to drop her case. We don’t understand the problem! Like the Bloodhound, Governor Paterson knows that loyalty is the most important of human virtues. We’ve been known to snarl at whoever needed to keep the bird homicide charges from sticking. Bitches [and bloodhounds] stick together!

The AKC describes the Bloodhound as a “unique looking dog in a baggy suit.” The beleaguered New York governor certainly fits the description. We also know that, while affectionate, Governor Paterson can be sensitive to correction by his master (in his case, public opinion). We guess that this sensitivity is why, despite heavy pressure, he has refused to step down from his post.

From his press conferences it’s easy to see that the AKC was exactly right when they described Governor Paterson:

The expression is noble and dignified, and characterized by solemnity, wisdom, and power. The head is furnished with an amount of loose skin, which in nearly every position appears superabundant, but more particularly so when the head is carried low; the skin then falls into loose, pendulous ridges and folds, especially over the forehead and sides of the face.

So, as influential politically savvy bitches, we urge the media to see Governor David Paterson for who he is - a loyal, wonderful man whose canine traits make him a supremely competent leader.

400!

2010-03-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

This is our 400th post, quite an achievement for two bitches with nothing but free time, quick wits, and an iMac. We started writing this blog back in November of 2007 to show the world that dogs are capable of critical analysis. We are smart, savvy bitches who are pleased to bring the world our critiques, our words, and our fragrant doggie gases. We hope to bring you many more meaningful posts in the future.

But for now, we thought we'd leave you with a photo essay to celebrate this achievement. We spend a lot of time working on this blog, but rarely are shown doing so. Enjoy! Also, we would like to thank our mother and her Nikon for capturing the essence of our blogging spirit.

Maggie is thoughtfully reading her Kindle. Maggie's book reviews are always apt and poignant.

Sammi is rocking out to her iPod. Her musical palate is vast, but she is very critical. No Britney Spears for Sammi, though Brit makes a great bitch!

Maggie is enraged by yet another left-leaning politico's take on the recession. When will they embrace her progressive libertarianism?

Somedays, there just is no inspiration. In times like this, we lay in the exact same way and sigh in exasperation.

Sammi is diligently typing another blogpost. Bluetooth keyboards are a dream for blogging bitches!

Thank you for your support. We love writing for you.

Love,

The Bitches of Judgment

(Maggie & Sammi)

Current Events - Canine Obesity

2010-03-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

While some of our kind (Ol' Roy) have propagated the vile lie that small sawdust nuggets held together by rendered cattle can sate the voracious canine appetite, it's no wonder that we have been known to beg for human food. In fact, we are constantly starving and occasionally make drool bubbles as we wait for scraps of food to fall from our parents' table.

Its not just that dog food is bad, though, it's that human food is so incredible. A recent blog comment from a Maltese friend of ours brought to mind the day that - unbeknownst to our parents - we snuck into the Blue Plate Diner and took just a bit of delicious restaurant food from a table before the proprietor herded us out the front door. It is one of our fondest memories. With all the delicious human food on offer, it's no wonder that an epidemic of canine obesity is ravaging America.

America's epidemic - canine obesity

An obese dog is not a happy dog. Without chasing cats, jumping on dangerous neighborhood children, and mountain biking with dad, life is not vibrant and wonderful. We demand the government do something about canine obesity! How can our elected officials sleep at night when obese dogs are everywhere?! We demand the dealers of delicious, fat laden human food be brought to justice! Luckily, our lovely first lady - with the help of the first dog Bo - has decided to solve this problem (in addition to solving the much smaller problem of human childhood obesity). Her passion for eliminating pesky fat deposits also received mention in the President's latest State of the Union Address.

As reported by ABC news, Mrs. Obama's new $10 billion dollar budget will fund a "myriad of initiatives that target four key pillars: Getting parents more informed about nutrition and exercise, improving the quality of food in schools, making healthy foods more affordable and accessible for families, and focusing more on physical education." The good news is that the effort is well focused.... Among other items, we would like to point out:

1. Parents currently cannot keep their children from spending all day in front of the television. Obviously more information will magically increase household discipline.

2. It must be poor quality food that makes dogs and kids fat, not the enormous quantity of food they choose to consume. Short of rationing by amount - a concept that makes us snarl dangerously - no food quality initiative will help.

3. If the Obamas are not actually able to magically change prices heretofore determined by complex market relationships, maybe Michelle can flood the market with cheap produce from the White House garden. That will make healthy food more affordable!

4. Kids hate physical education. More time with an adult creepy enough to want to spend their life looking at school age children in hot pants will not foster a lifelong commitment to exercise.

While we wag our tails at the effort, we miss the days when government intervention was simple and effective. Take for example the government's experiment with poisoning alcohol during Prohibition. Very effective. If Michelle Obama wants to eradicate obesity, she - and her fellow do gooders - will have to drastically reduce the personal freedom we have to stuff our faces the way we want.

As highly intelligent bitches, we recommend Mrs. Obama outlaw all food more delicious than Ol' Roy. This can be done simply by banning the production and distribution of harmful substances like butter, cream, chocolate - already terribly dangerous to dogs, and sugars. Our stomachs will shrink as the nation revels in its newfound culinary blandness. We look forward to the day when Michelle Obama's dream comes true. More specifically, when both children and dogs are full of so much natural healthy energy that they will be staked to leashed in their yards side by side.

The curative properties of dog saliva

2010-03-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

While we love you - our doggishly loyal readers - we have spent much of the weekend watching over our parents. The human constitution is inherently much weaker than the canine's so we often find ourselves taking care of the humans in our lives. That being said, we are busy licking our parents back to full health and will not have our regularly scheduled Monday post.

Stay tuned!

Book: The Help by Kathryn Stockett

2010-02-26T07:11:00.000-08:00

We are very sensitive to issues of race and inequality. As dogs, we face prejudice at every turn. We're sure you've seen the signs at stores and restaurants that say, "Only service animals allowed." We're continually being told that we're not as good as those well-behaved service animals who don't have the sense to disobey. Look at this foolish dog, obeying humans mindlessly.

So the message found in 'The Help' rang particularly true to us, we bitches have been put down by humans, service animals, even cats at times. The 'help' in Stockett's book refers to the black maids that take care of white families. The help knows intimate details about their lives, raise their children, and are in on their darkest secrets; and yet the white families still treat them as inferiors.

This is one of the best books we've read in a long time, a historical fiction set in Mississippi during the days of Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks. It explores the racial tensions, class tensions, and bonds that grow between people despite impossible circumstances - we never cease to be impressed by humans dogged pursuit of meaningful interpersonal relationships no matter their circumstances. This was an excellent read.

So, the next time you are impressed with a service animal, just remember the privileges that we, loving family members and beloved blogdogs, are forbidden, just because we don't wear the right kind of vest. Sit at the front of the bus? Hell, we aren't even allowed on that bus. Where is our Rosa Barks???

Events: Swan Lake

2010-02-24T06:48:00.000-08:00

We are cultured and high breed dogs, and so took to the town this weekend to see a ballet performance. We understand the rhythmic and symbolism that ballet encompasses, it is not unlike the battles for dominance we play out every night. We bite each other's necks, hump each other a little, and the ballerinas walk on their tiptoes and pirouette.

Ballet West put on a production of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake, and we had orchestra level seats! There was some disruption getting in, the bitch ushers (Not literally, they were not dogs.) claimed that we were distracting and that dogs were banned. Luckily, our friend William Wegman was around to help us out with great disguises, not unlike these:

We finally were seated and ready to be stunned by Ballet West, and boy were we. The moves on those ballerinas and ballerinos (A real word?) was stunning! The ballet was tremendously choreographed, the hours flew by, and the orchestra performed beautifully. The artists were so into their work, that a dancer bled at one point.

Traditionally, we like hunting swans and eating the delicious flesh underneath their beautiful feathers, but we were happy to drool from a distance watching the dancers twirl around the stage alongside Tchaikovsky's immortal score. We had a great time!

Current Events - Toyota Recall

2010-02-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

We were horrified to hear the highly accurate, proportionate, and unbiased news coverage surrounding the recent discovery that almost every vehicle produced by Toyota is a death trap. The Japanese (boo hiss!) have been trying to destroy America for years (see also this very recent image of an Anti American rally in Japan).

Being highly logical animals, we understand that when something seems too good to be true, it typically is. And our Toyota-made traveling kennel is far too comfortable to be anything other than a carefully designed and planted Japanese time bomb. Just think, a topper in the winter, large windows for sticking your head out, and our old beds in the back; in the summer the wind rushes through your ears - how could we resist its allure?!

Traveling Kennel in Millcreek Canyon

You can imagine our surprise, then, when an insidious Shiba Inu suggested an alternative explanation. That bitch insinuated our impartial public servants - the ones who currently manage the Federal Government's 61% stake in General Motors and stake in Chrysler - may not have intended to follow through on their promise to avoid meddling in the auto industry. She claims that the Obama Administration - feeling the pressure of public opinion against their auto bailouts - is attempting to hurt Toyota in an effort to boost the value of their investments in GM and Chrysler.

Come to think of it, it is suspicious that Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood told Toyota owners to "stop driving it. Take it to a Toyota dealer because they believe they have a fix for it." Especially considering that he later recanted once the statement made headlines in every major news outlet in the country. In fact, while the DOT told owners that their Toyota vehicles were safe to drive, they prevented Toyota from selling any of the models due to "safety concerns." If they were more concerned about safety than publicity, shouldn't they have prevented already sold models from leaving home as well?

The press has not abated, either. Yesterday's biggest news story was the publication of an internal Toyota memo touting cost savings from negotiating a smaller-than-expected recall in 2007. While the memo was given to the government in 2009, it's interesting that it was not released until right before Toyota's CEO is to scheduled to be flogged by Congress.

Hmmm... perhaps the savage Japanese Shiba could be right. While we'd love to sink our teeth into Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda's soft fleshy belly, it seems obvious that the current administration's response to the questionable decisions made at Toyota was completely self serving. In fact, after reconsidering, it seems like the real situation can best be summed up in the following graph:

So please, humans, if you have a dog - whether bitch or stud - do not let the most recent recall dissuade you from outfitting them with a brand new traveling kennel. Because the only thing worse than questionable corporate judgment is a powerful and bitchy government official!

Vancouver 2010

2010-02-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

We think of ourselves as very well-rounded and accepting bitches. We sniff the butts of dogs from all walks of life (literally), all races, colors, breeds, and nationalities. But once every two years we pull out our American flag collars and take the supercilious persona adopted by all Americans. It's Olympic time!

August 2008 we were head-over-paws for the summer Olympics in Beijing. (Read our scathing post on Michael Phelps!) We watched as the Chinese showed the world that children should be seen or heard, but never simultaneously. We saw Phelps swim nearly as well as Maggie in a duck pond. And we saw the Chinese shame our patriotic tails over and over again.

So naturally, we were excited for the Olympic opportunity to come around again. We watched with bated breath for the opening ceremonies. Who could forget the Beijing opening ceremonies? The boxes are people, THE BOXES ARE PEOPLE! The 2010 opening ceremonies were about as exciting as catnip, which is to say they were disappointing and targeted towards idiots. The following picture is misleading in that it appears to convey an exciting event.

Luckily, the USA is winning in the medal count so far with some very exciting events behind us. Surprisingly, Bode Miller didn't totally choke and actually medaled this time, we well remember his debacles of years past. Apolo Ohno (Salt Lake resident, boo yeah!) made a repeat performance, silver medaling in the 1500m speed skating. Basically, America has been kicking the trash of communists, former Nazis, socialists, and losers from all over the world. We love the Olympics!

We are upset that there are no dog competitions, but we have a few ideas for submission to the Olympic committee.

For the Winter Olympics:

An Iditarod-esque dog sledding race
Ice fetch (fetching on ice, pretty much exactly what it sounds like)
Snow Eating

For the Summer Olympics:

Swimming
Digging
Tug-of-War aka 'Pulley' (Our Aunt Annie would win this one for sure!)
Butt-liking (Not really a seasonal sport.)

What do you think? Any dog sports out there you think deserve to be competed against any chien, perro, koira, Hund, or gau?

Book - Mao: The Unknown Story

2010-02-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

We love politics! Human pack dynamics are so complicated except at pivotal moments when the opposition chooses to roll over en masse and expose its soft boobies to the pack leader (Democrats to George W. Bush in 2001 and Republicans to President Obama in 2008). While humans are asserting dominance on a small scale every day, it's not often we get to witness it on a grand scale. We are very glad, by the way, that our television news program didn't show Janet Napolitano exposing her boobies in submission to the President after failing to catch the underwear bomber.

Our Fearless Chief of Homeland Security

A Chow Chow we have been courting at the dog park told us a story of a Chinese pack leader who was able to exert dominance over hundreds of millions of people for decades. It was with great interest that we devoured Mao: The Unknown Story by Jung Chang and Jon Halliday.

This exhaustively researched book attacks many of the myths perpetuated by the Chinese Communist Party about its genesis, Mao, and its concern for the peasant. Throughout the text, Mao emerges as monster - concerned with absolutely nothing other than extending his personal sphere of power. He used terror liberally to beat an entire nation into submission. Mao then leveraged this submission to starve tens of millions of Chinese peasants and attempted to purchase international political influence with their food. In fact, the Chinese Communist Party only survived, and took power, because of Stalin's influence and Mao behaved as if he suffered from an inferiority complex the balance of his life. He wasted billions of dollars trying to drive a wedge between the USSR and its satellite states so he could assume power. We assume, had Mao grown up in Idaho, he would have driven a very large truck.

Mao's policies were often ineffective and laden with waste - like his helicopters that not even Pol Pot would accept because of their inability to fly. Mao was also very eccentric (i.e. crazy). He never once took a bath during his reign, preferring instead to be wiped down with towels by his servants, and once declared sparrows as one of the nations 'four pests' and ordered all sparrows destroyed. His anti-sparrow policy was so effective, that he later had to import sparrows from the USSR to reverse adverse ecological effects. We found ourselves drooling at the thought of a world without birds - it was the only Mao policy that we found ourselves in wholehearted agreeance with.

If you have the stomach for a long book that, at times, can be dry - we recommend Mao: The Unknown Story. We gained an appreciation for the incredible resilience of the Chinese people, a greater understanding of the history of a nation that has finally become - after abandoning 'Mao tse-tsung thought' - a superpower, and saw a glimpse into Asian history more broadly. this is the best book we have read in a long time.

We also hope this will help us lure a Chow Chow stud back home from the dog park - what a breed!

The Chow Chow -- fearless and cute

Politics - President's Day

2010-02-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

We apologize for not posting yesterday, we were caught up in the spirit of the holiday. We love the Monday holidays early in the year, especially President's day. We were overtaken with curiosity and Wikipedia-ed the day, which is the celebration of George Washington's birthday. We love George Washington, and find his resemblance to the basset hound uncanny.

The inestimable Mr. Washington.

Washington himself received several basset hounds from the Marquis de Layfette to use in his hunting expedition. We believe that he could not be upset to be compared to the basset hound, "In temperment it is mild, never sharp or timid. It is capable of great endurance in the field and is extreme in its devotion." President Washington was extremely devoted to freedom (though not extremely devoted to his homeland as he defected from Britain).

A basset hound, a regal beast.

"The skin over the whole of the head is loose, falling in distinct wrinkles over the brow when the head is lowered... The muzzle is deep, heavy, and free from snipiness." Washington was full of loose skin, thick jowls, and distinct wrinkles.

Book - The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

2010-02-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

Our parents both got Kindles for Christmas, so we've been reading voraciously. Our mother has a leather cover for hers, and it tastes so much better than chewing on a boring paperback. One of the best books that we've read all year is, 'The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie' by Alan Bradley. We love all books that have human foods in the titles. Humans have the most delicious food, and they don't even appreciate it.

Flavia de Luce is a young girl living in a manor in the English countryside. Her passion is chemistry and pranks. She becomes involved in a murder, and uses her chemistry skills, along with quick thinking and street smarts to figure out whodunit.

This book was fun and interesting, which is more than we can say about the cats that live in our neighborhood.

Politics - Scott Brown

2010-02-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

Unless, like a cat, you are not capable of processing current events, we're sure you've heard about the heated elections in Massachusetts. Of the candidates vying for the Senate seat vacated by the late Ted Kennedy, Scott Brown beat the Democratic candidate and surprised the nation by being the first Republican elected to the US Senate from Massachusetts since 1972. This is even before our father was born, if you can believe it!

This is Scott Brown.

We believe that Senator Brown's election marks a turning point. A point in the country's history where we will no longer judge a man for posing nude in Cosmo. (Warning, shocking link.) We don't understand humans and their obsession with covering up body parts that they have all seen anyways. It's very egotistical of them to assume that everyone is constantly wondering what they have under all those layers, though come to think of it, your crotch does smell extra interesting today...

Before Scott Brown can begin to disappoint his electorate with his new position however, we would like to take a moment to admire his visage, his long nose, and his uncanny resemblance to the Scottish Terrier.

Look at those strong forelegs!

The AKC says of the Scottish Terrier, "Naturally a 'digger' at heart, the Scottie was originally bred to hunt and kill vermin on farms." This is obviously true of Scott as well. Please consider, for a moment, this picture of his Democratic opponent, Martha Coakley.

She doesn't look all that smart to us.

They could be sisters!

Yup - digging out vermin is a perfect description. The similarities don't stop there. "The Scottish Terrier should have a thick body and heavy bone." Well, Senator Brown did not get to be Cosmopolitan's Sexiest Man by having a thin scrawny body, that's for sure. "He should exude ruggedness and power, living up to his nickname, the 'Diehard.'" Enough said. If you disagree, we recommend looking at his picture again. Being highly discerning bitches when it comes to aesthetics, we appreciate Senator Brown's natural thickness.

The Scottie Dog is known for its "heads up tails up" attitude, and so is Senator Brown. Though there were several setbacks during his campaign, including a series of attack ads claiming he wanted to deny care to rape victims, he rose above it all and continues to make unpopular choices by pledging to filibuster the new healthcare reform bill in the Senate. Filibuster on Senator Brown - we hope your filibuster becomes as famous as Strom Thurmond's signature move! It only needs to be 24 hours and 19 minutes in length, nonstop.

Senator Scott Brown with his thick bone structure, sex-appeal, and conservative politics beat out Martha Coakley for Massachusetts' Senate seat. This is not unlike the way the Scottish Terrier has killed and devoured rats and other rodents for centuries. Good call, America. We love democracy!

Local Trails and Fun - Frozen Hog

2010-02-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

Before our father took off for "the Philippines" for "work," he participated in a local bike race known as the Frozen Hog. We are skeptical of his trips, especially the lengthier ones. He frequently comes back smelling of cats and monkeys. We don't want to sound libelous, but we think it likely he is involved in a nefarious catnip smuggling ring. Just saying.

The race trail at Lambert Park.

But before he left, he competed in a mountain biking race at Lambert Park in Alpine, UT. For our out-of-town bitches and studs, it is pretty cold here in February. Alpine sits in the foothills below American Fork Canyon, and there was at least a foot of snow on the trail. If you know our father at all, you know that no amount of snow will prevent him from recreating, especially when his cojones are at stake. (Sadly, most of the dogs we know are sans cojones due to an especially cruel human practice of emasculation...)

There were about a hundred bike racers lined up this Saturday, though the weather was cold and dreary. They started out with a 100 yard "dash" through deep snow at which point the racers all grabbed their bikes. The racers then pushed their bikes for miles through the snow and ice, falling on their faces in the deep snow if they ever attempted to ride their unsteady vehicles. We did not understand this race in the least. Our father was pleased as a bitch with a bone when he finished the race, and he placed 4th in his age category.

Our father, valiant bike (and catnip?) pusher. We're not sure why he needed to buy such an expensive bike if he was only going to schlep it through the snow. Our mother concurs.

We saw several dogs, a few deer, and enjoyed being outside, even if the weather wasn't the greatest. If you're looking to commune with nature, Lambert Park is your place. Also, if you're looking to laugh at a bunch of middle-aged men falling on their faces in a foot of snow, the Frozen Hog will not let you down. This is one of the silliest things our father has participated in (and that's saying something); we will definitely be back next year.

This is the only picture we have of him actually riding his bike. He's about to cross the finish line here. Victory? We're not sure you can say that.

Books - Team of Rivals

2010-02-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

While we see the benefit of solidarity in the face of trouble (especially dog whispering), we do not always see eye to eye. Putting two opinionated, ambitious, and intelligent bitches in a room together (or asking them to agree on blog content) can cause conflict. We have always been able to move past this conflict, however, and allow our differences to create a team stronger than the sum of our individual greatness.

Maggie wanted to post on the epidemic of canine obesity this morning, Sammi's opinion won in the end.

While we have heard that humans are capable of teamwork, we understand that they find it far more difficult than canines. To better understand how even the most self interested humans form, maintain, and leverage interpersonal relationships we devoured Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals on the recommendation of our Aunt Didi. While not enlightened enough to be a dog owner, Didi seems to make good book recommendations. She was right in this case!

We have never understood the human fascination for Presidents. Presidents, to us, seem to be an odd aberration of humanity - they change their opinions, character, and persona based on the whims of a fickle public. They groom more than a Sharpei in a dog show, and spend their entire life overtly begging others to love them - we know the only thing worth begging for is food. Despite our pre-conceived notions of what a President is, Abraham Lincoln comes across as the quintessential midwesterner. He is completely centered, unflappable, and remarkably calm. His affable personality, and endless capacity for defusing potentially explosive interpersonal situations with stories were unmatched. Some of Lincoln's cabinet members don't come across so sympathetically though.

President Lincoln, for example, chose Edward Stanton to run the War Department during the Civil War. Stanton's capacity to organize and endless energy made him a highly effective leader. But, as an attorney, Stanton publicly humiliated a younger Lincoln with his callousness and arrogance; reconciliation is a broad theme in the book. Not only did Lincoln have to reconcile with his most bitter rivals - and bring them into his cabinet to create a political coalition that could be sustained throughout the war - he had to find a way to reconcile two national factions so contentious, their fighting would lose over half a million lives.

We also enjoyed the context for American slavery and the discussion of the struggle to Emancipate American blacks. We did not know, for example, that Lincoln's first attempt at emancipation would have compensated slave owners and sent all freed slaves to colonize Liberia - many intelligentsia at the time didn't believe that the two races could live together in peace (this is not unlike the way current intelligentsia, as manifested on National Public Radio, feel about conservatives). American Blacks at the time, however, showed a surprising amount of patriotism for the nation that treated them so poorly. They not only expressed a strong connection to their newfound nation, but took up arms en masse to fight for the Union after Emancipation. Interestingly enough, it was the argument of military necessity that allowed Lincoln to actively pursue a policy of Emancipation.

We feel we have a lot in common with President Lincoln. We take our positions as leader of the family pack very seriously, not unlike how Abe took his responsibility as leader of America in a harrowing time. We even think that Maggie looks a bit like this ruggedly handsome president, below is a photo of her looking her most presidential.

We give this book an enthusiastic four paws up. And, perhaps while we are in this position, a kind reader may want to rub our bellies.

Movie - Zombieland

2010-02-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

Being social bitches tapped into the zeitgeist of America, we went to see the movie Zombieland in theaters. We laughed so hard we peed a little bit. Actually, Maggie is constantly dribbling, she has incontinence issues. Thanks to a drug called Proin, however, Maggie can leave a relatively normal life only dribbling when things get extra funny, extra scary, or extra sloshy.

Naturally, we broke into Dad's Amazon account (for the Prime) and pre-ordered Zombieland - he really doesn't know how to choose a strong password. Amazon Prime has changed our lives. We no longer have to wait around for ground delivery, but get our hearts desire delivered in 2 days.

Zombieland is a masterpiece. It's a funny movie, but in a unique and quirky way. Mostly we love the gore. Usually, humans shy away from gore. It's as if they are ashamed of their innards. We relish the guts of cats, birds, and any animals really. We particularly enjoy Spring hikes where we can stick our snouts into the carcasses of animals who didn't make the winter. So it was nice to see a movie that showed the truth for once - the world from our perspective.

See, the movie is pretty awesome! It wasn't even too long, we only had to pause it once for Sammi to run outside and go pee. Watch it on Blu-ray today!

Politics - State of the Union

2010-02-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

It was with great relish that we tuned into last week's State of the Union address. Watching Speaker Pelosi bounce up and down like her breed-sake JazzyLou always makes us drool with anticipation - she did not disappoint! President Obama is also a powerful speaker, especially in contrast to his predecessor W. While we have enjoyed his previous political speeches, the luster has begun to fade.

In case you were not aware, dogs are evolutionarily advantaged to resist the wiles of political speech writers. Both the Weimareiner and Labrador Retriever have large, floppy ears that - when positioned properly - can block the persuasive sounds of human speech. Last week, for example, Sammi managed to finish digging a very important hole in the garden while mom was yelling at her!

Humans on the other hand, are cursed with exposed ear canals that leave you powerless against President Obama's words - at least when he can see his teleprompter. So, we decided to cover our ears, turn on closed captioning, and critically examine the speech for the benefit of our human readers.

Obama: "We have to seek new markets aggressively, just as our competitors are. If America sits on the sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, we will lose the chance to create jobs on our shores. But realizing those benefits also means enforcing those agreements so our trading partners play by the rules."

Bitches: We've always know that our problems are caused by the actions of other nations. Every Weimareiner knows that the problems in Germany between World Wars were the Russians fault - Sammi's great grand-stud was the hunting companion of an influential member of the Reichstag! We couldn't agree more - make those 'others' play by our rules. We'll be damned if modern dogs from Labrador or Germany take our blogging jobs.

Obama: "At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program. On top of that, the effects of the recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget. All this was before I walked in the door."

Bitches: We are happy to understand that President Obama is not responsible for any of the current rash government spending. He looks judicious, and apparently he is as judicious as a bird dog on point. It was at this point in the speech that we could not stop growling at the Republicans in the audience.

Obama: "Last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests -- including foreign corporations -- to spend without limit in our elections. I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities."

Bitches: Good one Barack. We too miss the days when the Supreme Court was biased against those different than us. What ever happened to Justice Taney of Dred Scott fame? He was a true American hero. Plus, if we allowed foreigners to influence elections they may just want to recall some of that debt so carelessly piled up by the previous administration.

Perhaps you could not tell that Maggie and I do not actually agree with many of the tenets of the President's speech - our instructor at the Petsmart school of dog obedience recently taught us about satire as a literary tool. We found one his final remarks to be the most telling:

"When the Union was turned back at Bull Run, and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt. When the market crashed on Black Tuesday, and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, the future was anything but certain. These were the times that tested the courage of our convictions, and the strength of our union. And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitations and our fears, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation, as one people."

We love our country, and we feel that America's diversity is the key to its success. It was a small faction of radical Republicans who pushed for Emancipation and reunification during our Civil War. Civil rights marchers were interlopers in the deep south, they challenged unity in a fundamental way. We are suspicious of any human who feels the need to be leader of a large pack (that includes you Cesar!). So, it is with great conviction that we urge our human friends to look beyond President Obama's resolute tone, charming good looks, and loyal dog. Foreigners, immigrants, and previous administrations did not force consumers, businesses, and government to gorge on unsustainable amounts of debt. Language, skin color, and dependence on foreign oil did not cause our problems. It was cats.

So, when the next State of the Union rolls around, we will not be listening. We prefer to sit at home and lick our privates.

Technology - Blogger

2010-02-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

After a grueling day of sleeping and watching professional sports on television, we settled in to write a long blog post. Monday is our favorite day - we are obsessed with politics. Unfortunately, our razor sharp analysis of the State of the Union Address was eaten by blogger. We have tried everything to get it back - barking, chasing our stub (that was just sammi actually), and looking in the browser cache, to no avail.

Sammi's Reaction

We are busy recreating the post and it will arrive no later than Tuesday. Until then, we be drooling in our sleep imagining tearing into the flesh of the developer responsible for this particular Blogger bug...

Technology - iPad

2010-01-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

Our nation has drawn together this week, united by a common goal, evaluating the new Apple iPad.

We love touch screens. Our parents both have iPhones, and we find the screens very responsive to our rough paws and our claws have only made minor scratches in the glass. We were excited about blogging on a device that seemed perfect for us, a giant iPhone.

We expected to lust over the iPad immediately, but how can you lust over a device that immediately reminds one of feminine hygiene products??? A refined bitch should never even need to use that word - we've been spayed. The stud in charge of naming the device ought to be put in a cone of shame. (We know that a bitch would never make such an egregious error.)

Maggie in a cone of shame.

While we have never used the device, we are full of opinions anyways -- this is a trait we have learned from humans. Most notably, we find Dr. Laura Schlessinger especially amazing -- she always knows how to do the 'right thing' with the scantest of context!

Reasons We Would Like an iPad:

- Cool factor. The dogs at the dog park would be impressed.

- Fun to use.

- Easier for our unwieldy paws to use than the iPhone.

Reasons We Will Not Buy an iPad:

- Stupidest. Name. Ever.

- We are not interested in another subscription. Audible, Netflix, gas, power, cell phones, mortgage. NO MORE MONTHLY BILLS.

- Doesn't really fit into our computer/media usage. It wouldn't replace any of our current devices. (Including: Desktop, notebook, Kindle, iPhone.)

- We already have pads on our paws, and they are much more functional than Apple's pads. You can't run after dad's mountain bike on four iPads!

- Has many of the limitations of the iPhone: No flash (read: No Hulu), No applications running in the background (read: No Pandora), smudgy screen (read: Nose juices everywhere).

The Apple website describes the iPad as, "Our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device at an unbelievable price." We want to be convinced, but for now the only magic we believe in is at Hogwarts.

Movie - Up In the Air

2010-01-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

In order to better understand our father, we snuck out of our house to watch George Clooney's latest picture, Up In the Air. We will never understand the obsession of humans to fly in the sky like birds. We hunt birds and find their flesh delicious. Perhaps our father flies on planes to snatch fresh prey from the sky. Yum! We will have to ask him when he gets home.

In any case, we loved Up In the Air. We laughed at the obsession Ryan Bingham has over hotel rewards and airline frequent flier miles. We have licked our butts through many long discussions between our father and our grandpa Dean about their 'medallion status' and which airport has the best-equipped crown room. BOooooring.

The movie had a great message and ended realistically. It was fun, fresh, and interesting. It was one of the best flicks we've seen in some time.

We loved George Clooney's salt and pepper hairstyle. Maggie, the elder of the bitches, has started to show her age in the grey hairs on her chin. There is nothing wrong with greying with age, and we don't understand why humans insist on coloring the evidence of their wisdom. Additionally, Maggie's boobies (She has 8, while Sammi has 10. Believe us, the boy dogs love Sammi's extra pair!) are starting to sag with age, and she sees no reason to get doggy booby enhancement surgery, the boy-dogs love her just the way she is! That is, if she would ever let them get near her at the dog park...

Pugnacious Local Politician

2010-01-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

While, as intelligent and influential bitches, we feel that sharing our insight adds significantly to the national political dialogue – we are unsure that our bark really makes a difference. While our parents encourage us to continue to write about national issues, we have become discouraged. Bo – the current First Dog – has begun to exercise a stranglehold on all doggie correspondence to those in power. And, while the Portuguese Water Dog is known for its spiritedness and intelligence, Bo has been corrupted by power. He doles out access only to bitches who raised money for the Obamas in 2008 (or wear a blue dress and beret to the oval dog house). We don’t meet either criteria. If you remember, Sammi was an ardent Clinton supporter – she really wanted to see a Bitch in the White House. Maggie is a Libertarian.

So, we’ve decided to sink our teeth into local politics. This has been no easy task, because the only thing we knew know about local politics is that our current Mayor, Tom Dolan, ran on the ‘mustache platform’. Because the mustache is simply a human version of dog whiskers, we wholeheartedly supported his candidacy.

Tom Dolan (With a cat?!)

Other local politicians, though, do not leave such a good impression. While his pug-like good looks at first reminded us of our friends Sasha and Scooter, Chris Buttars represents everything that is wrong with representative government. And, unlike his archetype Strom Thurmond, Representative Buttars refuses to change with the times.

Senator Buttars

A pug

For those of you who don’t know Mr. Buttars, he represents South and West Jordan in the Utah State Senate. We have always been suspicious of South Jordan – what type of community wouldn’t have a dog park?! When interviewed, Sasha and Scooter voiced an emphatic WOOF of disproval over the physical similarities.

The American Kennel Club states “[Pugs] are recognized for their even-tempers, playful personalities, and their outgoing, loving dispositions.”This hardly describes a man who claimed “Brown v. Board of Education is wrong to begin with,” and “This baby is black, I'll tell you. This is a dark, ugly thing.” Buttars, in a January 2009 interview, also said that gays and lesbians were "the greatest threat to America going down," comparing members of the LGBT community to radical muslims. "I believe they will destroy the foundation of the American society.”

Senator Buttars has obviously never even spent time with a dog because he cannot recognize that we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary process. In fact, this wizard of a scientist sponsored a bill in 2006 that would have teachers tell students evolution is a controversial theory and offer “Divine Design” as an alternative. Hey Senator Buttars – you obviously descended from a monkey!

The physical similarities are striking, though. “The head is large, massive, round–not apple-headed, with no indentation of the skull. The eyes are dark in color, very large, bold and prominent, globular in shape… The wrinkles are large and deep. The muzzle is short, blunt, square, but not upfaced.” The AKC really couldn’t have done a better job describing Mr. Buttars. It’s a shame when bad humans look like good dogs.

We urge the voters of West Jordan and South Jordan to represent themselves better! Stand up and show that you are not ignorant, racist, and backwards – help Chris Buttars retire. And while you’re at it, build a dog park!

Book - The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

2010-01-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

In Garth Stein's novel, The Art of Racing in the Rain, the narrator is the family's faithful dog. Enzo, a lab/terrier mix, is as loyal a companion as a man or child could hope for, and his unconditional love for his family is evident.

Though it may violate the contract we had previously signed, we're going to let you in a little secret. We consulted with Garth Stein in this book, most of his best ideas are from us! Think about it; halfway through the book, Danny, the alpha male of the household figures out that leaving the television on for his dog during the day makes him happy. We have our tv on all the time, giving us ample time to watch our soaps! Enzo loves to rip apart stuffed animals, be with his master, interrupt personal times, and ride in fast cars. Sound like anyone you know? Yes, the Bitches!

This is a must read, and not just because Enzo is dog after our own heart. Stein writes a beautiful story of love, loss, healing, and the intangible bond between man and his dog. We suppose that non-dog-lovers would like it as well, but we don't really associate with people like that, so that's just a guess.

[maggiE aNd sammi iZ dOod uns = ENZO ] <--Evidence

Music -- Flight of the Conchords (season 2)

2010-01-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried a kiwi? What a delicious, juicy surprise! It’s not often that unfamiliar floor food is so luscious (Sammi will never forgive Mom for the clove of garlic she dropped on the floor last week). We also imagine that taking a large bite out of a human kiwi would be delicious. Lamb fed, ruddy, and natural human-kiwi induces our Pavlovian drool response.

As part of our vigilant food detection regimen, we have been learning how to identify Kiwis who may stray within our perimeter - remember, no fence can contain us. One important exercise has been listening to a couple of talented New Zealanders: the Flight of the Conchords.

We enjoyed the first season of their television show, The Flight of the Conchords, and the second season doesn’t disappoint. We were especially touched by the episode dedicated to ‘Pepileptic Dogs.’ Bret and Jemaine dedicate their time, musical talent, and powerpoint skills to raise money for this important-yet-obscure cause.

More importantly, just like the first season’s soundtrack, the Conchord’s newest music inspires our parents to sing along and generally act like fools. So, if you feel like laughing at some over the top musical comedy, this may be your ticket.

“Some people say that rappers are invincible

We're 'vincible (we're 'vincible)

What you are about to hear are true stories (real experiences)

Autobiographical raps (things that happen to us)

All true - bring the rhymes!”

-- “Hurt Feelings”

“Bret, she was looking at me

No, she was looking at me

Bret, she was looking at me, she had her eye on my knee

Dawg, I am sorry, she had her eye on my guns

Oh, you're loco! She was checkin out my buns

No bro, she had her eye on me

She had her eye on me

Well how could she have her eye on both of us?

Wait a minute, you talkin’ bout the girl with the lazy eye?

I think she might have had a slight little lazy eye

We're both in love with a sexy lady with an eye thats lazy

The girl thats fly with a wonky eye

She’s smokin’ with an eye thats broken, I think it's hot

The way she looks left a lot”

-- “We’re Both in Love With a Sexy Lady”

Listen to the album or we’ll bite you. Really. We’re starving -- what ever happened to free feeding?

Politics - Nancy Pelosi

2010-01-18T05:00:00.000-08:00

Because we were bred for hunting, we are keen observers of our environment. Unfortunately, humans frown on bringing dead animals in from the yard, so we focus our rapier sharp skills on other activities

. And, because we are the most civic minded bitches at the dog park, we have been following politics with great interest. Here’s what we found: Nancy Pelosi is just like a Boston Terrier. Even your weak human eyes can see the similarities.

We know some very famous Boston Terriers, Roxy and Zion, who - when consulted - confirmed that Miss Pelosi is just the type of Bitch they would call their own. She has also been known to exhibit some strikingly dog-esque behavioral patterns. Compare her reaction to President Obama’s State of the Union address to the Boston Terrier JazzyLou’s reaction to seeing her toy in a bird bath. The similarities are striking.

Additionally, Speaker Pelosi’s dogged pursuit of President Obama’s healthcare legislation is just the type of behavior exhibited by the Boston Terrier. The American Kennel Club states (speaking of both the Boston Terrier and Nancy Pelosi) “they require only a moderate amount of exercise and a minimum amount of grooming. The breed is easy to train and they are easy keepers, preferring to remain by their owner’s sides.” This explains both Miss Pelosi’s look and her unwavering support of the President.

The similarities continue, “the dog conveys an impression of determination, strength and activity, with style of a high order; carriage easy and graceful. The thighs are strong and well muscled, bent at the stifles and set true. The hocks are short to the feet, turning neither in nor out, with a well defined hock joint. The feet are small and compact with short nails.” A perfect description if we’ve ever heard one.

As the most powerful Bitch in Congress, we have immense respect for Speaker Pelosi, although Maggie has never agreed with her worldview. And we imagine that, like the Boston Terrier, in person she would be friendly and lively - which makes her an incomparable companion!

Game - Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

2010-01-15T05:54:00.000-08:00

We don’t want to come across as arrogant, but - like most dogs - we are capable of exercising incredible restraint. Our dad is not capable of sitting, and staying, the way we are. That’s why he never gets a biscuit. And mom has never been able to sit on the front yard and point out birds with absolute concentration. That’s why we were so surprised when it took Sammi an entire year to understand that doors are not a snack.

Once Sammi grasped the idea that compulsively biting the door would not free us from the downstairs dungeon, dad upgraded our living space. This has been wonderful (the plaintiffs in Judge Judy are so convincing in hi-def!). The best part, though, has been the addition of Playstation into our typically television rich daily routine. Our drool reflex was triggered when we noticed a Playstation game produced by Naughty Dog. We were hoping for some instruction, but ended up playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves for three straight days instead.

The gameplay is amazing, and it turns out our paws can manipulate the little joysticks with surprising dexterity. The game’s protagonist, and intrepid treasure hunter, tracks the evil villain through dozens of incredibly detailed levels to snatch the treasure at the last minute. Uncharted 2 is like a James Bond movie mated with a Choose Your Own Adventure book - you control Bond. We love Bond - his mating rituals are similar to those of our species - and the game provides some love interests for the main character. Unfortunately, there is no in game mating. We will never understand the human tendency to banish that activity from public.

This game has it all: the potential for world domination, shooting, puzzle solving, love, and a rich environment. It’s so good we would roll over and submit for it. 8 paws up! Feel free to come over anytime and delve into this game with us, although we may lick the screen when it gets exciting.

Book - Cesar's Way by Cesar Millan

2010-01-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

And now we come to that insipid man, the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan. Our parents recently read his book, Cesar's Way. We can tell that they have already started using his evil tactics to try and control us.

Cesar has tapped into the inner psyche of dogs. He has spent time studying their packs and has taught himself to be the ultimate pack leader. We dogs have been programmed through the ages to obey without question their pack leader. He teaches humans how to exploit this great trait, at the chagrin of housedogs everywhere.

We can already detect the changes in our lives. Our parents are controlling us. They are stopping us from jumping on them when they get home from wherever they go all day. Our mother is no longer letting us eat straight from the dishwasher. We have to walk next to them on walks now, as if!

This cruel immigrant moved from his home country to wreak havoc on American doggies. We think it is time to start a great crusade the world over to stop Cesar and all his evil ways. We dogs need to stop listening to anyone that acts in a 'calm-assertive' manner. We need to make sure that every copy of Cesar's Way is destroyed, preferably by canine chewing. We do not need to be 'whispered' at to be well-behaved, we got along just fine before Cesar came along, and we're the worse for his words in our home....

IT IS WAR.

Movie - Avatar

2010-01-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

We were still a twinkle in a bitch’s eye when the movie Ferngully came out, so we were excited by Avatar. A movie we thought would be a carbon copy of the 90’s classic, but with better visual effects. We snuck into the IMAX 3D theater by our house to watch, and settled in for a thrilling ride. Unfortunately, 3D doesn’t work for dogs like it does for humans, we ended up vomiting (and then eating back up the sick, naturally) and left early. We returned the next night, buying tickets to the regular theater, which worked out much better for us.

As a science fiction/fantasy idea, the movie was incredible. Rarely are intricate worlds so convincingly created, and common sci-fi shortcuts (e.g. planetary air equivalent to earth, mildly disguised humans) were avoided. We loved the idea of connecting to a global network through braid chords. We saw a lot of really cool ideas that we thought about for days afterwards. The only gripe we have in the Pandora world is that dogs are portrayed as evil villains that attack without provocation, outrageous!

Our main howl against the show was based in plot. Many of the characters were extremely one-dimensional (e.g. The businessman, the army guy) and suffered from loss of imagination. And speaking of lack of imagination, what the woof is unobtainium? The plot was thin, partly because they needed so much action in a movie that was already three hours long. (Which is 21 hours in doggy time, interminable!!!) The other part was a design flaw from the outset. As an audience, we are tired of the message that the West is greedy, obsessed with destroying nature, and heartless towards indigenous peoples.

Our solution: Make it a two, or even three part series. The potential was easily there to develop complex plotlines. People’s interest would have been piqued with the first movie, and the agenda (if necessary) could have been introduced later on. Also, there would have been time for character development of secondary (read: humans) parts. We think the movie had Star Wars potential, but as is, it will fall flat.

We think you should see it, at least so you know what everyone’s talking about, but unobtainium? Give us a break. We’re dogs, we can smell a pile of crap from lightyears away.

Book - Sustainable Energy Without the Hot Air by David MacKay

2010-01-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Sammi, having a particularly powerful social conscience, was deeply affected by the specter of Climate Change after watching An Inconvenient Truth last year. Maggie, however, was a climate change skeptic. On Sammi’s recommendation, though, Maggie accepted President Obama’s invitation to join him at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen.

Those world leaders – so selfless. The courage of these ordinary politicians inspired us to chew on little bit thicker book than usual; Sustainable Energy – Without the Hot Air by David JC MacKay.

David MacKay is a scientist (the odd breed of human that describes our mother), so his book begins with a data intensive chapter on historic emissions of Co2, and a quick review of the science behind global warming. While we typically enjoy books that reinforce our world view, it was refreshing to read a book that laid all biases and assumptions out for the reader to review. The remainder of the book explores sustainable energy sources in the UK and weighs their potential against current energy consumption. This book is good, and is the first thing that we have read to make some sense out of a highly emotional debate.

We don’t want to give it away, but even highly evolved blogger bitches like us consume far less energy than even the smelliest of our daddy’s telemarking friends. For any of you who care about the earth at all, we recommend an immediate policy change to support dog ownership. This policy cannot be too ambitious. Specifics could include lifting the federal tax credit for children, creating universal doggie day care as part of the national health care plan, and providing free table scraps for all. Also, while Congress is making this change, it would be nice to exempt dogs from airport security – we don’t wear underpants.

Enjoy your weekend, and don’t forget to thank the next dog you see for their role in saving the Earth. A vigorous belly rub will do.

The Bitches

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

We have to thank our mother's cousin Kirsten for letting us have these lovely reindeer antlers, rather than giving them to her little girl. We got a lot of use out of these!

In the classic tradition of canines and humans the world over, we decided to list our New Year's resolutions for 2010 on this blog. Some of them will be easier to keep than others, but we hope to foster a spirit of self-improvement, encouraging our parents and readers to change as well.

Sammi's Resolutions

1. Stop licking my armpits.

2. Finish my fight with the German Shepherd in the dog park over who is better, the Kaiser (Yes!) or the Fuhrer (No!). German breeds have a hard time getting along...

3. Stop licking my boobies. My parents have gone through tubes and tubes of booby salve (aka Neosporin) this year. Oh, but they taste so good!

4. Stop looking at kitty porn.

5. Write the next great American novel.

Maggie's Resolutions

1. Stay cancer free! No more microwaves, cell phones, or eating from uranium deposits.

2. Destroy Cesar Millan...

3. Stay away from all clothes, and my mother who wants to put me in said clothes.

4. Love my daddy, the ultimate alpha male.

5. Spend more time outside sniffing the flowers and finding the perfect spot to daintily dribble some urines.

New Year; New You

2010-01-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

After running in circles for three hours today, we realized we haven’t posted for a very long time. Although catching your stub/tail is a lofty goal, we know our status as mildly celebrated bitch bloggers requires more dedication. We also know that “holiday” is just code for spending hours in the basement to lick, watch tv, read, scratch, and blog.

During the last few months a lot has happened in our world. Maggie had a cancer scare and numerous health problems due to a particularly awful 'bumor' (butt tumor). This has significantly changed our perspective on the current healthcare debate being held by those bitches in Washington, but more on that later.

Sammi has become even more neurotic, and has fallen in love with the dog fashion selections available at Old Navy.

But none of these events match up to the most heinous of acts committed by our parents this weekend, which more than anything else, drove us to blogg about the injustice of our lives.

They are attempting to control us using Cesar's patented Doggy Manipulation and Cruelty techniques. We are hard-headed bitches with minds of our own. We reserve the right to pull on our leashes, growl at the terrier down the street, and most of all, bark viciously at that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, our mail carrier. Luckily our parents left the computer on yesterday and we were able to do a little research on this Cesar character. Cesar is obviously evil - even at the normally tender age of 13, he publicly declared his intention to be the best dog trainer in the world. I'm drooling just thinking about biting his bitter, tender flesh. Also, Mr. Millan illegally crossed the US border in 1990.

Maggie, being a libertarian, has tended to agree with our current President - "America has nothing to fear from today's immigrants." And "America can only prosper when all Americans prosper--brown, black, white, Asian, and Native American." Well, Maggie, looks like Cesar's trying to keep you down -- and you're BROWN! We have everything to fear.

We will be posting our complete review on Cesar's book shortly - and will demonstrate that such powerful whispering techniques can work on humans too.

Have a fantastic New Year, and feel free to send any suggestions for media to review!

The Bitches

Music: Outer South by Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band

2009-09-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

We really like the band, Bright Eyes, and we've been listening to their music for several years now. We were quite surprised to hear that Conor Oberst, the singer of Bright Eyes, had struck off on his own, so we picked up his new album with the Mystic Valley Band. The band is labeled as alternative country, which seems a fair descriptor. The indie has gone so far, it's become country, fine by us.

"Pharoah woke from a bad dream,

Splashed some water on his face.

When it's a matter of nightmares you had better ask a slave.

And he may tell you a famine's coming,

Or he may look away.

If he's kind then return it,

Let him lick your plate."

--To All the Lights in the Windows

"Dementia, you better treat me good.

The human race is in its second childhood.

I never loved, but I understood.

Oh dementia, you better treat me good."

-- Slowly

Quick vote: This album is awesome. We thought we liked Bright Eyes, but that is nothing compared to

Books: Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

2009-09-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

We waited patiently for the second book in the Hunger Games to come out, and finally it was mailed to us last week from our friends at Amazon. We couldn't have been happier, and our expectations were blown out of the water.

Our favorite ingenue, Katniss, is back and nothing in her life has gotten more easier. She still has two men she's torn between, she still lives in the podunk outskirts of the oppressive dictatorship government, and she still narrowly escaped death in the Hunger Games. The story takes twist after turn as Katniss and Peeta travel the country on their victory tour. You can't predict what happens next!

Quick vote: This book was awesome. We loved it, and it was by far better than the first book, Hunger Games. Pick up the series today!

Books: Blindness by Jose Saramago

2009-09-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

This book had been recommended to us several times, but for some reason, it took us quite a while to get around to reading it. Written originally in Portugese, Blindness is written in a stream-of-conscious style reminiscent of Faulkner or Joyce. With a Nobel Prize in Literature, we were certain that one of Saramago's most famous books would be interesting, but we didn't expect to enjoy it as much as we did.

Blindness is set in any city in any country in the world. Slowly, an epidemic spreads through the city, systematically striking everyone with 'white blindness' wherein the afflicted can see nothing but a blinding white light. It's an interesting story about human nature, pathos, disability, and the fragility of civilization. We have long thought that humans depend far too much on their sight, when smell is such a better sensory. Also, the 'dog of tears' made an excellent character.

Quick vote: This is such an excellent book, and a quick read as well. We're going to be picking up the sequel Seeing soon, so watch for our subsequent review of that!

Books: Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi

2009-08-31T19:16:00.001-07:00

This year marks the forty-year anniversary of the Manson murders. We realized that we didn't know a lot about the classic cult murders, so we picked up the book Helter Skelter, written by the head prosecutor about Charles Manson, his 'Family,' and the atrocities they commited.

This book was really well executed, and we appreciated that the funds went to the lead prosector, rather then a member of Manson's 'Family.' The subject matter was quite mature, but we felt the book approached the violence quite tastefully. We really liked reading about the strange mastermind, his 'Family' of followers, and the trial they underwent.

Quick vote: This book was really well written, and quite interesting. We recommend it to anyone who's interested in the subject, and who has the stomach for a bit of violence.

Music: The Hazards of Love by the Decemberists

2009-08-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

We are big fans of the Decemberists. Their lyrics are smart and sophisticated, and their music is great to sing along and listen to. So we were quick to pick up The Hazards of Love. Though there were a couple of good songs, we were pretty disappointed in the collection.

"Gentle leaves, gentle leaves,

Please array a path for me.

The wood's all growing,

Thick and fast around.

Columbine, columbine,

Please alert this love of mine.

Let him know,

His Margaret comes around."

--Won't Want For Love

"All a gallop with Margaret,

Slung rude 'cross withers.

Having clamped,

Her innocent fingers in fetters.

This villian must calculate,

Crossing the wild river."

--The Abduction of Margaret

Quick vote: This is a good album, but not as good as we expected from the Decemberists. If you're looking for some music to buy by these guys, skip The Hazards of Love.

Books: Fruitless Fall by Rowan Jacobsen

2009-08-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Our grandfather has really gotten into beekeeping this year, so we decided to read a book talking about bees. Fruitless Fall: The Collapse of The Honeybee and the Coming Agricultural Crisis turned out to be the best possible book we could have picked up.

Fruitless Fall is a compelling book. It begins discussing the problems that are facing bees and beekeepers today, which includes Colony Collapse Disorder. The book then follows the life of a bee, including the different types of bees, bee dances, pollen collection, and most importantly, honey production.

Quick vote: This is an excellent non-fiction book about bees, nature, and the world behind your flowers and fruit. We highly recommend it to anyone interested in bees or honey.

Music: ReLoad by Metallica

2009-08-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, this is a very different album for us to listen to, but let us explain. Our mother spent a month this summer driving out to Dugway, a base in western Utah with a bunch of boys who loved music like Metallica. While she was out there, this specific album got stuck in her head, so she brought it home for us to listen to.

"Heavy rings hold cigarettes,

Up to lips that time forgets;

While the Hollywood sun sets behind your back.

And can't the band play on?

Just listen, they play my song.

Ash to ash.

Dust to dust.

Fade to black."

--The Memory Remains

"Hit dirt,

Shake tree.

Split sky,

Part sea."

--Carpe Diem Baby

Quick vote: This album is so hardcore it's around the bend and laughable again. We can't help but laughing while we sing along. Ironic music.

Books: Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe

2009-08-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Our mother and our uncle's book club read this book recently, Robinson Crusoe. Daniel Defoe wrote this book in 1719, and it has been a classic ever since. It is considered the first novel written in the English language, and so it is a little thick. We hadn't read a good aged classic for a few months, so it felt good to sink our teeth into an oldie but a goodie.

Robinson Crusoe is a book about a young man of the same name who sails off into the horizon to meet his destiny, but instead meets hardship and difficulties, eventually being stranded on a deserted island for years. The book is a great adventure tale, but surprisingly has serious religious elements. We really liked it, though it was a bit dry.

Quick vote: Know that it's not a quick and easy read, but we really enjoyed it. Who doesn't like a book with talking birds, cannibals, and inventions?!

Music: Middle Cyclone by Neko Case

2009-08-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

An artist we knew mostly from her work in The New Pornographers, we heard an interview by Neko Case on the radio, and it intrigued us enough to pick up an album she released earlier this year, Middle Cyclone. We would describe the album as an indie-rock-alternative-country hybrid. We really like it.

"Magpie comes a calling,

Drops a marble from the sky.

Tin roof sounds alarming,

'Wake up, child

Let this be a warning.'

Say the magpie to the morning,

Don't let this fading summer pass you by."

-Magpie to the Morning

"I have waited with a glacier's patience,

Smashed every transformer with every trailer,

Till nothing was stainding

Sixty-five miles wide.

But still you are nowhere,

Still you are nowhere,

Nowhere in sight.

Come out to meet me,

Run out to meet me,

Come into the light."

-This Tornado Loves You

Quick vote: This is a cool album, we like it.

Books: Love's Executioner by Irvin D. Yalom

2009-08-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Following urgings from our father, we picked up the book, Love's Executioner & Other Tales of Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom. The book is a collection of ten stories written by a renown psyochotherapist about some of his most interesting patients. He discusses a variety of problems; grief, death, love, loss, sickness, violence; and the solutions that they search for within the therapist's office.

We found this book very interesting. Dr. Yalom related to each patient in a new and fascinating way, relating the patients problems back to his own life. He wrote about the struggles of man (and dog), describing them in such a plain and insightful way, it caused us to re-examine our own lives and relationships according to his therapist's perspective.

Quick vote: We loved this book. It was different than what we usually read, and we enjoyed the change.

Music: Duper Sessions by Sondre Lerche and The Faces Down Quartet

2009-07-28T18:35:00.001-07:00

Picture this: A great indie/alt-rock musician, plus a talented jazz quartet. What do you get? A truly incredible and interesting musical experience. Sondre Lerche is most famous for recording the soundtrack from Dan in Real Life, and although we had never heard the Faces Down Quartet before this, we can attest to their talents. This is an awesome album, we heartily recommend it to anyone that likes any kind of music.

"Don't be ridiculous sweet darling,

It's so unlike you to be blue.

You had them the moment you walked in.

Oh, everyone's rooting just for you."

- Everyone's Rooting For You

"You can tell me everything,

I'm old enough to know where you have been.

I couldn't ever fall out of our love.

Fact and fiction look alike when such a lightning strikes,

But I believe that I can face the curse of being in love."

- The Curse of Being in Love

Quick vote: This is one of our all-time favorite cd's! Just when we thought it couldn't get better, and he included a Cole Porter song. Incredible!

Books: The Great Influenza by John M. Barry

2009-07-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Our mother's book club picked up a fairly dry, but quite applicable book to read for July, The Great Influenza: The Epic Story of the Deadliest Plague in History by John M. Barry. As a group of mad scientists, they were very interested in the story of the H1N1 influenza outbreak in 1918.

This book is not for the faint of heart. The author is long-winded and gets lost on random (and occasionally pointless) tangents that left us wondering what the point of the book was from the first place. However, during the description of the plague and its transmission, we were fascinated. It made us think twice about public health, and the trends of viral pandemics.

Quick vote: Fascinating in parts, incredibly boring in others. Pick up only if truly dedicated.

Aunt Annie's Two Cents: Did you ever notice how there is swine flu, avian flu, but never canine flu? I feel left out...

Music: Far by Regina Spektor

2009-07-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

We are big fans of Regina Spektor and we were excited to hear that she had come out with a new album this summer. We were not disappointed. Far is the same fun music we expected from Regina Spektor's earlier albums.

"So we made our own computer,
Out of macaroni pieces;
And it did our thinking,
While we lived our lives.
It counted up our feelings,
And divided them up even,
And called that calculation perfect love."
-- Calculation

"They started off beneath the knowledge tree,
Then they chopped it down to make
White picket fences.
They marched along the railroad tracks,
And smiled real wide for the camera lenses.
They made it past the enemy lines,
Just to become enslaved in the assembly lines.

Blue lips,
Blue veins,
Blue, the color of our planet from far, far away."
-- Blue Lips

Quick vote: Good album. It was just what we had expected based on her previous work; nothing more and nothing less.

Books: Un Lun Dun by China Mieville

2009-07-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

Un Lun Dun is a young adult fiction book by China Mieville about two girls who get thrown from their regular life in London to an alternative universe where all the refuse, oddities, and mistakes from London end up; Un Lun Dun. Deeba and Zanna are the only hope that Un Lun Dun has against the fiercest enemy it has ever seen.

The characters and the ideas behind this book are awesome. We loved the binja, the Un Sun, and the other city names (Bag Didn't, Parisn't, Lost Angeles, Sans Francisco). The plot and storyline however left something to be desired.

Quick vote: This was a fun book. Good, but not great.

Note: This is an Uncle Cushy Book Club Selection!

Blogs: Awkward Family Photos

2009-07-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

We have really been enjoying the blog, Awkward Family Photos. What's a better way to enjoy your day then to look at pictures of families acting like big fat dweebs.

Quick vote: Seriously, check this blog out, it will make your day.

Movies: Hotel for Dogs

2009-07-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

WHAT A GREAT MOVIE CONCEPT.

Two sad orphans, thrown from foster home to foster home struggle to hide a dog as their only constant. In the city, they find an abandoned hotel and hide their dog, as well as a couple of other strays. They find more and more dogs to keep, and create a host of inventions to care for the dogs. Evil strikes in the form of dog catchers (classic evil) and foster parents. And in the end, everyone is happy.

Quick vote: Alright, this is a crazy cheesy movie, but we did like it. No doggies were harmed during the making of this incredible cinematic experience!

TV: Gilmore Girls

2009-07-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

After finding out that our Aunt Jocie watched the Gilmore Girls, we checked it out to see if it was worth our while. We were very pleased to find out that it was a show we could enjoy. The cheesy, witty, and wholesome television show is everything you can expect from a single mother/daughter show on the WB. It is quite refreshing.

Lorelai Gilmore, a daughter of privilege, became pregnant at sixteen, where she named her daughter Lorelai after herself, whom she calls Rory. They live in the small town of Stars Hollow in Connecticut where smarty-pants Rory attends private school and aspires to an Ivy League education. Her mother, Lorelai, runs a local inn, has a hectic dating life, and is ridiculously addicted to coffee.

Quick vote: This show is cheesy aand loveable. We have grown quite fond of the Gilmore Girls and we're excited to watch the rest of the seasons and see what life has in store for them!

Music: Bird Wings in the Bleak by Libbie Linton

2009-07-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

Libbie Linton is a Logan singing sensation. We got a hold of her debut full-length album, Bird Wings in the Bleak. We were anticipating good acoustic music, but nothing of this caliber. The album has great production quality with a full band. We love her soulful lyrics, sombre sound, and catchy instrumentation.

"Don’t tell me cancer,
It’s just a curse word.
All this pale light has gone to heaven with the dust,
But this would feel just more like having time to yourself."
--Edith Sings For Us

"shackleton, I’m solid,
Only bored out of my skull,
And these two big wandering eyes they lie.
I’ve no one here at all make me out to be the one I wanted,
To be strong and sturdy for you."
--Shackleton, I'm Solid

Quick vote: Great melancholy music, perfect for listening to while reading or on a long contemplative road trip. We try to take road trips to dog parts and PetSmart whenever possible.

Books: Anathem by Neal Stephenson

2009-07-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

We are huge fans of Neal Stephenson's works, from Snow Crash to Cryptonomicon, he's one of the best science fiction writers we've ever come across, and we've read quite a bit of science fiction. We were obviously excited to hear about his highly anticipated huge new book, Anathem.

Anathem is about a world, different from our own, in which a portion of the society seperates themselves into monastaries, that study math, geometry, physics, and other hard sciences; instead of religion. These monastaries are known as Maths, and it's in one of these, that life on Arbe will change forever.

Quick vote: If you love Neal Stephenson, pick up this book. If you've never read anything of his, we recommend that you start on something a bit more smaller and more palatable before diving in.

Aunt Kenya's Philosophy: Some complain that Stephenson is a tad too obtuse, and that he tends to obfuscate his reasoning in mundane and extemporaneous descriptions. I would juxtapose this with the position that he is one of the most intelligent and inventive authors of our time, and this book, with it's 960 pages, it worth your effort.

Books: Tweak by Nic Sheff

2009-07-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

After finishing the book we reviewed yesterday, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, we found out about the companion book, Tweak by Nic Sheff. While Beautiful Boy talks about a travel through meth addiction from the father's perspective, Tweak follows the same story from the son's perspective.

We have read a couple of other books from an addict's perspective, and they are all incredibly raw. At times we laughed, cringed, squirmed, and cried for the plight of a stranger, caught in addiction from an incredibly young age. We feel for him, we sympathize, we scorn, we judge; it's a book that consistently evokes an emotional response of some sort.

Quick vote: We liked Beautiful Boy better, but we still thought this was an interesting read, and compelling for its rawness.

Books: Beautiful Boy by David Sheff

2009-07-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

Our father recommended the memoir Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, and we always read the books that our father tells us to, because we are good dog-ters.

David Sheff records the details of his son's decline into meth addiction in heart-wrenching detail. The book starts with his son's birth, through a difficult divorce with complicated split custody, dating and remarriage, new children, and finally to the point where Nic starts to lose track of himself. He becomes addicted fast and early, struggling through rehab, relapse, and tragic addiction. It was fascinating to read.

Quick vote: This book was raw, wrenching, heartfelt, and touching. We loved it, but were relieved when we had finished it.

Books: The Hunger Games

2009-06-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

Our mother has been reading books with our Uncle Chichi in a sibling book club over the summer. They finished their first book recently, and we picked it up when our mother was done, and we loved it! The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins is a young adult fantasy genre of book, which can frighten off some people, but not us dogs!

The Hunger Games is an exciting, enthralling book about a futuristic dictatorship community where they send two children from every city every year to compete in a fight to the death. Katniss volunteers to go for her sister, and finds herself in a more complicated situation then she ever could have expected...

Quick vote: This book was a lot of fun, a well written science fiction/romance/action novel. Pick it up!

Books: The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield

2009-06-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

We have been reading a lot of incredible books lately, and haven't been very good at posting. So to make up for it, we're going to post all week about awesome books that we have loved reading lately. Enjoy!

Our mother's book club picked up the novel The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield this month, and we picked it up out of solidarity. We thought it would be a slower book to get into, but we couldn't be more wrong.

The Thirteenth Tale is an intriguing mystery about a reclusive author's hidden past. It's a story about love, loss, reading, and most of all, sisters. The author wrote about people we knew and events we had experienced first hand, telling qualities of a great author.

Quick vote: We love this book, it's awesome. We recommend it to anyone interested in a good mystery, or is looking for a great book for a winter's night.

TV: Mad Men

2009-06-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

We have heard some interesting things about AMC's television show, Mad Men. The show follows Don Draper, and his life as an important man at a high-powered ad agency in downtown Manhattan in the 1960's.

We were intrigued by the idea of a period television show with authentic sets and costuming. The show is about nearly nothing, except that the people in the sixties were dirty drunks who knew nothing about health, and who treated the women in their lives like pretty slaves.

Quick vote: The idea of this show is intriguing, but the morals are tiring. We don't want to watch tv to be patronized.

Music: This is Blue by Trevor Hall

2009-06-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

We stumbled across Trevor Hall in a bar a few years ago and we have been ardent fans ever since. We were excited to hear his single make it onto the most recent Shrek film, and were thrilled to hear that he was coming out with a new album, This is Blue. What we love most about Trevor Hall is his fervor, his raw emotion, and his captivating voice. We expected a lot of his newer works, and though the album is of excellent quality, it doesn't quite live up to his previous work, and we were disappointed. If you've never heard him before though, we think you'll like it.

"Well a couple of mystics have described your form,
Saying you can never die for you’ve never been born,
Telling me you’ve come to kill all superstition.
Put the needle upon the record,
Show me what I’ve been missing.
I need a love that’ll swallow me whole;
This ain’t the first time I’ve tried to save my soul."
- Jago Ma

"I guess you got to know the target before you aim
I guess you got to treat pleasure and pain the same
If you’re lonely darling sing my name
I shall follow your voice through the sun and rain."
- House of Cards

Quick vote: This is a great album, but not quite as good as we had expected.

Books: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

2009-06-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

We have always loved the works of the author Jane Austen, so we were intrigued when we heard about the exploits of Seth Grahame-Smith. He took the immortal words of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice and added gory zombie scenes.

No one can come close to the passion and feeling in Jane Austen's classic work, but Grahame-Smith does his best at turning it into a comical facade. He changes the way that Elizabeth Bennett thinks and behaves, turning her from a hard-headed woman to a cold-blooded zombie-killer.

Quick vote: This book was funny and surprising. The zombie scenes were fun, and we enjoyed it, but we wouldn't recommend this book as a critical read.

Books: Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

2009-06-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

We try to read most of the big award winning books, so when Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout won the Pulitzer prize for fiction, we ordered it without reading a single review. This can go wrong from time to time, but it worked out well for us this time, we really enjoyed Olive Kitteridge.

The book at first seems a disjointed series of stories that all implicate, though some very minutely, the woman Olive Kitteridge. As we read further though, we found the book was really a portrait of a complex woman, an attempt to convey the futility in writing one story about one woman with one lesson to learn. It was a beautiful book, one that touched us and made us think.

Quick vote: We loved this book. It was beautiful, deserved the Pulitzer, and we recommend it to you.

Aunt Izzie's Whiz-ord: Yo yo yo! Pulitz-what?!

Blogs: Hospital Food

2009-05-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

We're long time lovers of food, especially from humans, so we were excited to hear about the blog, Hospital Food, where people from all over the world take pictures of the food they received at the hospital. The pictures turned our stomachs, and we don't mind eating each others poo! It is some sort of justice though that people all over the world get disgusting food while already sick, but some of them look much better than others.

Quick vote: Seriously, the blog is gross.

TV: Parks and Recreation

2009-05-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

We were excited to hear that the makers of The Office, a show that we have watched and loved for years, were collaborating to create a new show, Parks and Recreation, based on local politics. It seemed like a funny idea for a show and we were pleased to see something new coming from a great team. The point is, we were giving it the benefit of the doubt. Imagine our disappointment when we got around to watching the pilot.

The show is exactly the same as The Office, but with less-developed characters and cheaper jokes. We really wanted this to be good, but it seems to be a poorly disguised knock-off of The Office. When this mockumentary style of television first came out, it was hilarious, raw, and different. It's surprising that a few years later it can feel so tired.

Quick vote: Don't bother.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson

2009-05-04T07:39:00.000-07:00

We picked up Steig Larsson's mystery/thriller novel The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo on audiobook a while ago, and we've loved it! The book was originally written in Swedish, and takes place in Sweden, a fun and interesting location. The book is a murder mystery with serial killers, crazy techno-gadgets, intrigue and outrage. A great read.

A reporter who has just been convicted in a libel case which he believes he was framed for, has a mysterious call from a rich old man living in seclusion. His last wish before he dies is to find out what happened to his grand-neice. (Great-neice? We're not sure.) He hires the journalist to dig into the past and investigate a strange and reclusive family. The result is more than any of them bargained for!

Quick vote: This book was an interesting page turner. Well-written, great plot, fun characters; what more do you want from a mystery novel?

Music: Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

2009-04-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago we watched the movie, Slumdog Millionaire. We loved this film, talked about it here, and couldn't seem to get the music out of our minds, so we bought the soundtrack and have been enjoying it ever since. It's not the kind of music that you would want to fall asleep to or read a book to, but it's a great soundtrack for running down the street, fantasizing about cat destruction, or tearing apart a pig ear.

Most of the music is by A. R. Rahman and there are a couple of songs by M.I.A. It's upbeat, has a crazy rhythm, and mostly makes no sense, but we've been loving it.

Quick vote: Buy this, put it on your iPod, put your iPod in your ears, go for a run with your dog. You will not regret it.

Aunt Annie's 2 Cents: This music hurts my delicate, curly-haired ears.

Books: The Tie That Binds by Kent Haruf

2009-04-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

Our mother's book club selection this month is The Tie That Binds by Kent Haruf. A different sort of book then we've read for the club, a Western tale about family and farming. We liked the story, it was a quick read though not necessarily well written.

The Tie That Binds is a story about two families, the Goodnoughs and the Roscoes, living in close proximity in homesteaded Colorado. The story follows dreams lost, lives ended, sadness, and the things that keep a family together, no matter what. The narrator is engaging, the protagonist pitiful, and the struggles hard. Kent Haruf is a good storyteller.

Quick vote: We liked this book, but we probably wouldn't recommend it to you.

Movie: Be Kind Rewind

2009-04-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

We're usually not huge fans of Jack Black movies, but Be Kind Rewind sounded sort of interesting, so we rented it recently to check it out. We've heard people that hated the movie, and other people that thought it was pretty funny so there was no way to know for certain unless we watched it ourselves.

The movie is not incredible, it has the level of quality that you would expect from a Jack Black/Mos Def/Danny Glover movie, but it's actually pretty funny. Mos Def and Danny Glover run a VHS rental shop in New Jersey and when the all of the tapes are erased, they decide to tape their own version of the movies (Sweded!), which turns out to be highly hilarious and successful.

Quick vote: The movie was actually pretty funny, although quite stupid. We liked it!

Books: Jonathon Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke

2009-04-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

We have always been big fans of fantasy and science fiction books, but great works are few and far between. So we were quite excited when we heard about Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell a little while ago. It had been critically acclaimed and though some dogs might have been daunted by its >1,000 pages; we dug into the challenge with a big bowl of water and a rawhide to sustain us. Mostly we read it while our parents were in Peru, without regular access to the internet we grew bored easily and got a lot of book-reading/tv-watching/remote-chewing done while we stayed with our cousin Echo.

The book is set in Napoleonic-era England and begins with a group of theoretical magicians; men that study magic but don't practice it because of its vulagarity, and because frankly, they have forgotten how. Enter Mr. Norrell, his eccentric ways, and his practical study of magic. This introverted, insecure man and his eventual pupil Jonathan Strange revolutionize England, reincarnating the regular use of magic and unburying other worlds and lost secrets that meant to stay buried.

Quick vote: Not many authors can hold a readers attention for a book of this length, especially one about magic, but Susanna Clarke does it. More in the Tolkein genre of fantasy than the Rowling genre, we loved the book; we thought it smart, sassy, and we loved the new world it opened up for us.

Blogs: The Lawsons Did Dallas

2009-04-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

We don't follow many "Mommy blogs" of people that we don't know, but we've been making an exception for the Lawsons Did Dallas, written by Amy Lawson. She talks about her life as a working mother of a four-year old and a crazy dog living on the east coast and her antics in life and living. She's pretty funny, and we enjoy reading it.

"Bonnie claims that I am a fire sign and Jared is a water sign. Bottom line is this...when you put the two of us together, he really knows how to steam me and I have dreams of sticking his skinny little backside right into our flaming toaster oven. I shouldn't be surprised if Jared ever breaks down and gives me a swirly in the guest toilet, and he might think about investing in some flame retardant pajamas."
--A Little Bit of Crazy

"I stepped out of the shower and heard James saying, "My mom is in da shower. I will go and get her for you." And just like that, James whipped open the bathroom door, exposing my condition to the entire neighborhood through two picture windows and the sidedoor. One false move and the trash man would see me in all of nature's glory, and unfortunately, closing the door fell into the "false move" category.

"James," I said, "get Mommy a towel and close the door." Being the obedient, well-mannered child that he is, James ran away, screaming like a banshee, ignoring my request.

Excellent."
--For the Love of a Towel

Quick vote: This is a pretty funny blog, for a mommy blog anyway. We read it regularly, and recommend that you follow it yourself, if it's your sort of thing. The lady is crazy, and it's fun and sort of voyeuristic to live about her life.

Movie: Slumdog Millionaire

2009-04-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

We had tons of people recommend this movie to us before we finally got around to seeing it, but now that we have seen it, we're recommending it to anyone who will listen, this is an awesome film. We loved the music, the scenery, the story, and the romance.

Jamal Malik has lived a life of hardship in the slums of Mumbai, India but he has the potential of winning a fortune on the Indian television show 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' The movie follows his life, and leaves you feeling that no matter what life hands you, anyone can find their true love, anyone can have a happy destiny.

Quick vote: It's rare to see a critically-acclaimed film that ends feeling-good, but this one is beautiful, excellent, and ends well. We love this movie, take a look and you will too!

Books: People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks

2009-04-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

Our mother's book club selection this month was People of the Book by Pulitzer-prize winning author, Geraldine Brooks. We were excited to read this historical fiction-type book about the Sarajevo Haggadah, an illuminated, Jewish, religious text that accompanies the Sedar at Passover.

This book follows the work of Hannah Heath, a book conservatist responsible for restoring the Sarajevo Haggadah after it turns up in the midst of civil war in Bosnia. As she repairs the pages and finds clues about the book's past, the story goes back in time, explaining the journey that the book had gone through and the people who's lives it had changed along the way. It was really interesting and well-written.

Quick vote: There were a couple of things we didn't like with the plot-twists, but overall we really liked this book. It was fresh, it was well-written, and it was fascinating. An excellent read.

Politics: Finally, The First Dog!

2009-04-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

President Obama has finally fulfilled one of our greatest hopes of the campaign, he has gotten a puppy for the White House! He may be destroying what's left of our country's economy, in which case anything else that he does will become lost in the fray, but he did get a dog, and we're happy about that. (See our original post on the first dog here, and the follow-up post here.)

Bo (né Charlie) is a Portuguese Water Dog given to the Obamas by the Keneddys. He was born on October 9, 2008 (making him a Libra, for those that care), and is reported to know a few basic commands already. He has met the family without incident (or potty accident!) and he is preparing to move in post-haste. Hurrah!

Quick vote: We're very disappointed that the First Dog is a male. When will we see a bitch in the White House?! But we're also relieved that we can count on our species being well represented in our nations governing.

Aunt Izzie's Whiz-ord: What happened to the Labradoodles? Those Obamas are foo's! I can't believe this. I've got to go chew on something...

Music: Mama Mia Soundtrack

2009-03-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

After enjoying the movie, Mamma Mia!, we decided to pick up the soundtrack, which we haven't regretted. It's great to sing-a-long to, great to take a nap to, and great to run after cats to. If you liked the movie or if you enjoy ABBA music, this is a pretty fun album. It includes such classic ABBA songs as: Super Trouper, Mamma Mia, Dancing Queen, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!, SOS, etc...

Quick vote: This is pretty fun for that select musical/ABBA loving subset of people. So yeah.

Aunt Izzy's Wizz-ord: Yo Yo YO! I have no idea who this ABBA peep is, but she is WHACK! I had a giant dogpile party and played this the whole time, it was aweSOME!

Movie: Mamma Mia!

2009-03-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

We had heard both good and bad things about the movie Mamma Mia, so we were excited to finally see the movie based on the Broadway musical based on the best of ABBA hits. Everyone we talked to was right; the movie was incredibly cheesy, and yet we really liked it. So we guess it's just dependent on your tolerance for lameness.

Sophie is about to get married on a little Greek island, and she wants her father to be there to give her away. So she invites the three men that could have been her father to her wedding without telling her mother. As the father candidates show up she realizes that each of them have their own great qualities, and maybe she doesn't want to have to choose between them. We would have chosen a few less songs and cut the time some, but it was still pretty great.

Quick vote: It's a love story, a musical, a great location, good cinematography... As long as you can stomach the cheesy plot and don't mind incessant singing, it's great!

Books: Boomsday by Christopher Buckley

2009-03-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

Boomsday refers to the era in American history when the majority of the Baby Boomers begin retiring thus bankrupting the Social Security Program. This book is a witty satire from the author of Thank You For Smoking about this serious problem our nation is facing.

Cassandra Devine works for a PR firm and blogs on the side. One night, angered by the millions of Baby Boomers retiring and draining the Social Security fund, she wrote some inflammatory comments on her blog, inspiring young people to riot against retirement communities and golf courses all over the country. The situation devolves from there as she comes up with the idea of Voluntary Transitioning.

Quick vote: This is a great book, very caustic and funny. We enjoyed reading it and getting upset at our governmental system.

Books: 2009 Tournament of Books

2009-03-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

We followed the Morning News' 2008 Tournament of Books last year, so we were really excited to hear that they were repeating the tournament this year.

The Tournament of Books is an annual tradition wherein books go up head to head, March Madness style. Ultimately, one book leads all the others as the best by whatever abstract criteria that the individual judges choose. Basically, it's a great place to find new and great books!

Quick vote: We love this tournament, and we'll be reading the best books on the list!

Blogs: FAIL Blog

2009-03-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

This blog shows daily events where people, products, etc. have failed in their jobs. It's pretty funny, showing people in their hypocrisy, stupidity, and overall lack of sense. The FAIL blog is classic, and we think it's a pretty funny one.

Quick vote: We love this blog, it's pretty funny. Check it out!

We're Still Around!

2009-03-19T12:41:00.001-07:00

Hello loyal readers! We've had a crazy couple of weeks. Our parents went to Peru for a while and we were shuffled from Cousin Echo's to Aunt Annie's house and then we've been trying to get back into our regular routine.

Sorry for the unadvertised hiatus! Regular posting will restart tomorrow!

Blogs: This Is Why You're Fat

2009-02-27T20:09:00.000-08:00

We were sent this blog by a loyal reader, Sarah, and we've been enjoying reading it ever since. This Is Why You're Fat has the tagline: Where dreams become heart attacks. Half of the time we look at the entries and become queasy with the meat, deep-fried mass of gross. The other half of the time we think, Holy crapola, that looks delicious! Of course, we frequently lick our own buts, so what do we really know?

"The bottom tier contains eight strips of bacon, six sausages and four burger paddies; followed by a second tier of black pudding; topped by a third tier comprised of two diced chicken breasts and six fried eggs."
--The Sandwich of Knowledge (See Picture)

Quick vote: This blog is fun, gross, and fascinating. Watch it!

Movies: Hancock

2009-02-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

Will Smith has done a lot of crappy movies, which made us initially cringe when we saw the previews for this show, but we were told several times (Many of which were by our Uncle Chichi!) that we should invest the time in it, and so we did!

Hancock is a worthless superhero. He can fly, is invincible/immortal, and has super strength yet he spends most of his time drinking and messing around. Luckily, he helps a public relations expert (played by Jason Bateman) and in return, he is advised on how to be a better superhero and interface with the world in a better way.

Quick vote: We loved the beginning of this movie, but we didn't love the ending. We won't spoil it for you, but suffice it to say, we had a lot of questions that were left unresolved.

TV: How I Met Your Mother

2009-02-25T19:47:00.000-08:00

We usually don't spend our time watching the classic sit-coms, as they seemed to have hit their heyday in the nineties, but we have heard several people mention that they enjoyed the show How I Met Your Mother, so we thought we'd check it out. It's as cheesy a sit-com as you can get, complete with the laugh track and predictable 20 minute episodes, but it does have something else to it, and we like it.

Ted is a single guy living in New York City, who realizes that he is ready to drop the dating scene and settle down after his good friends Lily and Marshall finally seal the deal and get engaged. Meanwhile, his friend Barney (aka Doogie Houser) is constantly teaching him how to love 'em and leave 'em. Oh, and Robin's just around to provide emotional support.

Quick vote: Funny? Yes. Cheesy? Yes. Worth your while? Meh... If there's nothing else on.

Music: Gossip in the Grain by Ray LaMontagne

2009-02-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

Our Aunt Didi passed us this album a few months ago and we've been chewing on it ever since. Luckily we had copied the songs onto our computer before we started to eat it, so we can listen to it on our DogiPods; you know you wish you had one too! Ray is an interesting singer, his music is folksy, alternative rock, very hard to classify. Some of his songs pass easily for Nick Drake, straight off the Way to Blue album, and some get going in a fun and exciting way. His lyrics are meaningful, his voice is rich and beautiful, and his melodies get your toes tapping! We really like this album, and we look forward to investigating more of his work.

"Callous is the old crow, he mocks even the sun;
Eyes as black as blood, bone crack in the craw.
He'd say, he'd say: always never mind,
Always never mind."
-- Gossip in the Grain

"When we first met we were kids, we were wild, we were insects.
And after awhile I grew coarse, I grew cold, I grew reckless.
I hold this memory, hold you, so close to me.
Whispered, we'll always be happy."
--Sarah

Quick vote: This is a great album. Pick it up!

Books: Maus by Art Spiegelman

2009-02-23T15:26:00.000-08:00

We have to apologize for our sudden unexpected absence last week, we took off some time to hang out with our Uncle Carter, Aunt Annie, Aunt Heady, and the rest of the crew. A tiny vacation, but we're glad that it's over now, and we hope that Uncle Busty recovers quickly!

While we were waiting for someone to pay attention to us this weekend, we had many opportunities to read, so we picked up our Uncle Buster's copy of Maus, which had been recommended to us before, but which we had never had an opportunity to read. Maus is another graphic novel, but entirely different from Rabbi's Cat, and we loved it. Our accolades are nearly as prestigious as some of the other awards Art Spiegelman has received for it, like the Pulitzer Prize...

The book is a graphic novel memoir told from the perspective of the author as he interviews his father about life as a Jew in Poland during WWII, including a year spent at Auschwitz. The Jews are portrayed as mice, the Nazi's as cats, the Poles and pigs, the Americans as dogs, and so on. We loved the way the story was told, and it's realistic aspect, despite the comic strip format. Again, though it is a comic book, we wouldn't recommend it for younger readers because of the (fairly obvious) graphic scenes and heavy subject material.

Quick vote: This book was phenomenal, and we would whole-heartedly recommend it to anyone!

Aunt Annie's 2 Cents: I like to eat mice.

Books: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski

2009-02-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

We have been working on The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski for a long while now. It's a story about dogs, so every time a dog got in trouble, we had to abandon the book for our own sanity until we were prepared to pick it up again. The book is about a family, the Sawtelle's, and the dogs they created through breeding and careful training.

Edgar is a young boy growing up with his mother and father in the midst of dozens of dogs designed by his grandfather for their intelligence, patience, and obedience. From his birth, Edgar is unable to speak, though he can hear perfectly; his disability teaches him to listen and watch, taking in his surroundings and communicating with his dogs on a different level. This book is a Hamlet-esque journey into a boy and his dogs, and the magic that exists in everyday life.

Quick vote: We loved the majority of this book, though the end was confusing and disappointing. It's a good book, but we don't really recommend it.

Blogs: Superuseless Superpowers

2009-02-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

We ran into this blog, Superuseless Superpowers recently, and we've been loving keeping up with it. Each post lists a ridiculous superpower that always makes us laugh.

"Superuseless Superpower: Eventual Kevlar Skin. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink."
-- 13th Bullet Bulletproof

Quick vote: This is a great blog. We love it!

Movies: 10 Things I Hate About You

2009-02-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

We're suckers for classic teen romance movies, and 10 Things I Hate About You is no exception! This is the oldest movie we saw with Heath Ledger in it, and he looks as great in this movie (with an Aussie accent!) as he does in Dark Knight, and more sane looking as well!

This movie takes place in a high school in Seattle, and loosely follows the plot of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew. Bianca Stratford is young, beautiful, and isn't allowed to go on any dates unless her older sister, Katerina-the-shrew, goes out as well. So some enterprising young men pay Patrick Verona to ask the shrew out, and you can guess where things go to from there....

Quick vote: We love this movie. It's a classic, it's awesome, it's smart, and it's funny.

Current Events: Octuplets

2009-02-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

When we first heard about Nadya Suleman and her eight babies we were like, "So what? Dogs have litters that size all of the time, it's nothing to write home about." Then after our extensive television viewing on the subject (The Today Show, and Dateline to name a few.), we realized that evidentially humans don't usually have litters that size, and in fact this is the first successful birth of eight human babies. We're not experts or anything, but that doesn't seem very evolutionarily advantageous...

This picture (supposedly taken eight days before the eight babies were cut out of her belly) truly demonstrates how wrong this is. Basically, we think that somewhere something went serious wrong. We're not sure where the fault lies, but ultimately the fertility doctor should be blamed for this transgression against nature. And who will pay for this travesty? The fourteen children that have to eke their way into society on government welfare (Despite her claims that she won't take welfare, she took disability payments and food stamps.), and a fraction of the love they ought to have received from their parents.

Quick vote: Somewhere the system broke down, and we're not necessarily blaming her, but we do think that she is a psychopath. It saddens us that an event like this is possible, and that fourteen human children will suffer because of it.

Aunt Annie's 2 Cents: I can't have puppies because I don't have any girl parts anymore.

Music: Genius

2009-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

We are always looking for new and better ways to find new music recommendations, so we were thrilled when we first stumbled across the Genius feature in iTunes a few months ago. It works fairly well, and comes free with the iTunes software on our computer, and the software on our mother's iPhone!

Genius takes the song that you are currently listening to and opens up a world of possibilities. It recommends songs from your library that are similar to the song you are currently listening to, and also recommends songs that you can buy (With one quick click!). It works pretty well too, we're quite impressed!

Quick vote: We have been asked recently about where we get all of our ideas for great music. Although we get tons of great recommendations from readers, friends, and family; we have to give some serious props to Genius. It's genius!